’tis the season to be jolly. Or is it? After working in retail for several months I’ve come to realize that Christmas comes in two extremes for our non-Muslim amigos: it’s either the most pleasant time of the year or it’s the most miserable. As a Muslim, it’s fun watching from the sidelines and seeing the chaos that arises. Of course the way we Muslims handle Christmas can come in all sorts of extremes as well.

But how do the Christmas carollers know which house to go to? Like what if they show up at a Muslim house?

I mean during Ramadan we sing Nasheeds and stuff but at least we don’t sing annoying CAROLS. Like what happens if you turn something Ramadanish into a carol?

Let’s stick to Nasheeds and promise ourselves never to cheapen Ramadan’s value. Ameen.

For those who don’t know the story, Rudolph is this outcast reindeer that all the reindeers make fun of because he has this freakish glowing red nose (and come on, if your nose was glowing you should expect to be made fun of). The moronic Rudolph probably was prying his nose into some radioactive material or blew his nose on some radioactive tissues which caused his nose to turn out this hideous. His horrible mutation is probably his fault but naturally the story skims over such important details.

Now although the song and movie get on my nerves, I have to admit that the person who invented Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had to know his fair share of Muslims in his or her life. The similarities are striking.

Sad isn’t it? Rudolph knows it too!

So the story of Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer could easily be Batinah the Blue-Veiled Hijabi. Same story, different setting. Rudolph’s story is so ho-hum for Muslims. Been there, done that. Yawn.

I’m dreaming of a white Christmas
Just like the ones I used to know
Where the treetops glisten,
and children listen
To hear sleigh bells in the snow

I’m dreaming of a white Christmas
With every Christmas card I write
May your days be merry and bright
And may all your Christmases be white

Sounds pretty damn racist if you ask me. Can you imagine singing a song like this to some of our Somali brothers and sisters? Heck, any non-white brother and sister for that matter… the results will all be the same: absolute disgust.

Why no black Christmas? Or brown Christmas? Or yellow Christmas or a mixed Christmas? I know … it’s probably because Santa Claus himself is racist.

So as you are probably aware, the morning of December 25th wasn’t exactly the rosiest for me due to the lack of presents underneath the imaginary Christmas tree. I wasn’t the happiest kid when I saw my parents.

“Sufferin’ succotash!” I screeched in my shrilly 5-year old voice.
“What?” my dad grumbled.
“Where’s my Christmas gifts?! Santa forgot our house!”

I knew deep down I wasn’t naughty. I knew this because the local Kindergarten bully received a new Nintendo game from Santa and I KNOW he’s naughty. The bully even told me afterwards, “Man, I’ve been so naughty all year and I still got a Nintendo game HAHA” and then he punched my arm. I started to cry… not because he punched my arm but because I was a nice kid and didn’t get anything. I told the teacher that Santa forgot me and she assured me that I was naughty. I looked around the room and noticed the Jewish, Hindu and Sikh kids in my class also didn’t get any gifts either but I knew they weren’t naughty either. In fact, the naughty kids all received gifts while the nice ones didn’t.

It dawned on me that Santa Claus is a big, fat, racist liar. It seems he only gave gifts to the Christian kids or the kids who were tools of commercialization and marketing (essentially every kid). He also has God-like powers for some reason.

The only difference it seems is that Allah (SWT) is beyond anthropomorphic qualities while Santa Claus is a fat old man and Allah (SWT) gives us gifts that we tend to take for granted while Santa Claus gives us gifts we don’t need.

I’m personally against the governments for banning the word “Christmas” in schools and replacing it with “Happy Holidays”. To me, this society has the whole mosaic culture backwards. Instead of making schools completely religion-free, why not let ALL religions share their views? Why not have Muslims say Eid Mubarak and Jews say Happy Hanukah and Hindus say Happy Diwali and such? Is it such a bad idea? It bridges understanding and compassion between faiths…something that will unlikely be taught in the private spheres.

Where am I going with this? I say the above because the schools currently ARE NOT secular like they claim to be. Like sometimes they think they are because I said “Oh my God” in my kindergarten class once and my teacher yelled at me and told me to say “Oh my Gosh” instead because apparently ‘gosh’ is neutral. Yet in the same class she went on saying that Santa Claus is watching every single one of us and we should behave. SOUNDS FAMILIAR. Of course it does. Santa Claus is a big fat thief.

If Santa Claus can seep into our public schools and references of God can’t then I think Santa Claus should be stripped of his God-like powers. It’s only fair.

Eid Mubarak.

The washroom/bathroom is already an awkward place for me. I mean we’re supposed to enter it with our left foot rather than our right one which is really trippy if you think about it. We normally do everything with our right side first (eat with right hand, enter mosque with right foot) but washroom is like opposite land. Anything opposite to the right side is automatically abnormal.

I say the above because Islamically speaking those facilities are supposed to be a place where we shouldn’t have social gatherings or dhikrs or even potlucks. It’s supposed to be a place where we do our business, wash up and get the hell out of there.

Unfortunately there are quite a lot of people who feel the washroom is just like any other room. Once, I was making my way to make wudu in a public washroom and judging by the smell of things someone had been very busy. Out pops a friendly brother from the stalls. He was a little too pleased to see me.

“Assalamualaikum! Eid Mubarak brother!” he shouted over the sound of a flushing toilet. He proceeded to give me the traditional “three Eid hugs”. I wasn’t too pleased.
“Uhh Eid Mubarak to you too” I replied, silently whimpering to myself.
The brother proceeded out of the washroom without making a pit-stop to the sink. I didn’t know what to say. I made wudu by myself silently. I proceeded to the paper towels and as luck would have it, they were all out. Flip man. I had to resort to the air dryer… which definitely wasn’t a pretty way to dry oneself. I turned the mouth of the air dryer upside down so it could dry my face. I pushed the button and breathed in the hot air through my nostrils as a non-Muslim entered the washroom.

“Oh hello there” I happily said. Maybe my jolly and inclusive nature could bring him to Islam?
“Mornin’” he mumbled as he proceeded to the urinals. I found urinals to be quite filthy and I’m glad the Prophet (SAW) told us not to use them. The thought of urine being splashed everywhere simply frightens me. However I will not let urinals distract me from the conversation. As soon as I was done drying my face I just stood around and continued the conversation (for dawah purposes of course)

“So… how was your weekend? My name is Hamzah. I’d shake your hand but I can see that your hands are all tied up.”
“Huh?”
“So what are your thoughts on God and such?”
“GET THE HELL OUTTA HERE MAN”

Sheesh. Talk about cranky. I made my way out of the washroom and into the musalla which already had a prayer congregation in progress. The disturbing part wasn’t the fact that all the brothers that were following were wearing matching hot pink shirts with neon green kufis …no actually that was the LEAST disturbing fact out of this entire brigade. The most disconcerting thing about that congregation was that the person who was leading them happened to be the guy that gave me those Eid hugs in the washroom. I had no idea what to do.

“Yo Pinkies! Hey! May I have your attention please?”
Nobody budged.
“HEY! The Imam doesn’t have wudu!”
Nobody budged.
“In fact he didn’t even wash his hands when leaving the washroom!”
But they just continued praying as if I wasn’t there which I guess is what you’re supposed to do when praying… block people out but I had vital information! How can they ignore the fact that the imam not only didn’t have wudu, but he didn’t wash his hands? As soon as the prayer was done I wanted to scream at all of them. But I was quite marred to see a different figure emerging from the congregation. It was the Imam of the congregation but-

“Hey! I heard you saying something about me not washing hands after using the washroom?”
“Yeah I thought you were someone else. My bad.”
The Imam shook his head and proceeded out of the musalla without shaking my hand.

I don’t like criticizing my elders too much because after all, they were the ones that made the sacrifice of leaving their homelands, emigrating to the West and building mosques from scratch (or buying an existing building but both are good). Mosques in the West are unusual to begin with because of the wide diversity of immigrants who mesh together in some bizarre sort of Masjid Uncle Salad. Even though they were the ones that somewhat built the foundations of the Muslim communities here, they still have some bizarre habits that just need to go.

The “Master of Fiqh”

After finishing a nice round of Sunnah prayer, you leave happily knowing you just dropped two for Allah (SWT)’s pleasure. Boooooyah. Unfortunately someone was watching your entire prayer and wasn’t pleased one bit. You’re about to leave the mosque when someone hisses at you from the corner. It was the guy that watched your prayer … the “Master of Fiqh”

“Brother, where did you learn to pray like that?”
“That? I learned that from my fiqh teacher… its from a school of th-”
“Brother, please. Is that from the Sunnah?”
“Yes.”
“I read in a Hadith that you have to fold your arms up here … not down there.”
“What? Which Hadith was that-”
“Brother, please do your prayer again. It was absolutely wrong.”

Basically if the “Master of Fiqh” notices that you are praying differently from the way he prays then you’re praying wrong of course. Who can argue with a random guy that uses Hadith search engines as his source? What a certified genius.

The Humble Imam

This I see happen all the time. Usually when the main congregational prayer is done, the Late Lateefs tend form their own congregational prayer in the back. How do they decide on the person that should lead the prayer? Well… it’s not exactly rocket science but…

Cute isn’t it? Well things like this sometimes don’t stay cute. They get ugly… really, really ugly.

But I’d prefer this over the Not-So-Humble Imam…

The Not-So-Humble Imam

The complete opposite of the Humble Imam is the Not-So-Humble Imam who would just walk up to lead despite his lack of qualifications. If you don’t know how to lead the prayer then just step back… no need to be a hero.

And don’t push up the guy with the biggest beard either. Some folks tend to think beards as the epitome of knowledge which is lame. I’ve seen a guy with a huge beard self-volunteering to lead and it was hands down the worst prayer I’ve ever prayed in my life. Not only was it probably not accepted and I had to repeat it, there were ten mistakes in the first rakaat alone… excluding the surah mistakes. Don’t ask me how he did it because I like to forget about it.

Volunteering to lead a congregation is perfectly okay as long as one knows how to properly lead a prayer… fiqh and all.

The Hulk

I noticed a lot of uncles are in this boat. Most uncles are very nice to you as some sort of Masjid aura surrounds them and they act like super nice and shake your hand whenever you’re in their vicinity or give you great big bear hugs that crush your lungs. They might also invite you over for dinner because they love you like a son. Such nice and kind-hearted uncles.

However sometimes when you’re not looking, they get super angry for some unknown reason. Maybe they lost their shoes after prayer or you disagreed with their insightful ability to correct your heathen prayer? Maybe you accidentally let it slip that the mosque elections were rigged? Whatever it was… this uncle started to get angry.

Sometimes other uncles have to come and restrain him to prevent any sort of big fight from occurring. I mean grown-ups fist-fighting in mosques don’t make the prettiest examples for our younglings do they? Luckily most mosques have some sort of anger management classes or halaqahs of some sort. I hope.

The Abuser of Arabic

Arabic hands down is probably one of the world’s most beautiful languages. It’s no surprise that even non-Arab Muslims would do everything they can to show the world their Arabic skills. However sometimes sentences become extremely awkward after it has been “Arabized”. For example, a sentence like “InshAllah the mosque plans to hold an open house next Friday inshAllah and inshAllah it will be a success inshAllah.. Jazakallah for listening” can be semi-translated to “If God wills the mosque plans to hold an open house next Friday God-willing and God-willing it will be a success if God wills… may God grant you for listening.”

I think instead of saying ‘uhhs’ and ‘umms’ a lot of people tend to just throw in a few inshAllahs and subhanAllahs just to make it sound more Islamic. I think that’s more disrespectful if anything. There are also the uncles who throw Arabic words in the wrong places.

Awful:

Terrible:

Dreadful:

inshAllah this problem will go away… Alhamdullilah

HOGWARTS MSA MINUTES
November 18,

Attendees at meeting: Farooq (President), Abdul Wahab (Vice President), Sophia (Secretary), Raza (Treasurer)

Agenda:
1. Low numbers
2. Khutbah problems
3. Segregation issues
4. Islamic Awareness Week

Naturally being the president of the Muslim Students Association at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry would raise some eyebrows amongst students but Farooq was confident that he and his MSA Executive would spread Islam at Hogwarts. They even found a permanent meeting place late at night which really aided their endeavours.

Farooq was gasping for breath as he reached the Room of Requirement. He stared at the door and concentrated. “I need a room for an MSA Meeting” he thought to himself. “Bismillah” he said aloud as he walked into the room, right foot first. He smirked when he saw the greatest MSA meeting room before him, already filled with the entire Muslim population of the school: Raza, Abdul Wahab and Sophia.

Raza seems to be the “utterly confused” type and often forgets why he bothered attending Hogwarts in the first place. He is a lousy at magic and he often forgets the terminology of the wizardly world. Whenever he doesn’t understand something he tends to scrunch his nose like a bunny, perhaps as a way to psychologically help him remember something. Most other witches and wizards usually make fun of his nose scrunching.

Abdul Wahab was known to be more of the rogue type. He cursed himself when he found out he got accepted into the Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry and vowed never to use magic. He also curses at all the children at school that use magic and throws rocks at anyone who flies near him with a broom. Magic seems to have no affect on Abdul Wahab and he savagely beats up anyone who attempts to hex him. He also has a really long beard and crumbs of food often get stuck in there. He sometimes keeps extra quills in his beard for emergency use.

Sophia on the other hand, is a polar opposite to Abdul Wahab. She seems to take a liberal interpretation of magic and uses it freely, much to Abdul Wahab’s dismay. She also wears pink and has a crush on nearly every boy in the Gryffindor house. Abdul Wahab has repeatedly told her that she is going to hell but Sophia thinks Abdul Wahab is just playing hard-to-get. Her favourite subject is Potions and she likes to wear bright pink sparkly hijabs a lot.

“Well, well, well… look who decides to show up” sneered Abdul Wahab, the Vice President of MSA.
“Sorry I’m late,” panted Farooq, “Peeves started throwing rotten apples at me again.”
“Who the crap is Peeves?” chimed in Raza.
“A mischievous jinn” sneered Abdul Wahab again.
“What the crap?” replied Raza as he scrunched his nose like a bunny.

Farooq wiped the sweat off his glasses. He knew managing the MSA Executive at Hogwarts was going to be tough but he was confident. He knew Islam could spread all over this school someday. He stood up and started his meeting. “Assalamu Alaikum. Look I know we haven’t made much progress these last few months but I think we should be optimistic! We’re the LARGEST religious club at Hogwarts and-”
“Obviously” interrupted Abdul Wahab as his lips curled, “we’re the ONLY religious club in this school.”
“Yeah but-”
“Hey how many Muslims are there at campus?” questioned the oblivious Raza.
“Uhhh four… the people in this room makes up the entire Muslim population at Hogwarts” explained Farooq.
“What a charming group of individuals.” sneered Abdul Wahab sarcastically.
“How many Jews are there at Hogwarts?” asked Raza, his nose showing signs of scrunching.
Sophia opened her mouth to say something but instead started to tuck some loose hair under her hijab.
“Two… but they’re pretty high up. I think they’re prefects and-”
“ISRAEL SCUM!” shouted Abdul Wahab.
“Hey, I think Neville Longbottom is interested in Islam. Salaaam Neville teehee.” giggled Sophia as she buzzed in her with her two cents.
“Who the crap is Neville?” Raza asked.
“Some magic-using, plant-loving kafir” scoffed Abdul Wahab, as his lips curled even more.

Farooq shook his head at this executive. “Are these the only Muslims in school?” Farooq hopelessly thought to himself. He wanted a QUALITY executive, not just random Muslims who were on the Muslim Students Association just because of their name. He sighed to himself. “Okay ummmm, Sophia. What’s the first thing on the agenda?”
Sophia’s eyes lit up and got out her wand. “Agendum Patronum” she chanted as a puff of smoke formed into letters indicating the meeting’s agenda for that particular night.

“ASTAGIFRULLAH. WHY ARE YOU COMMITTING SHIRK AT THE MEETING?”
“What?” replied a confused Sophia.
“Couldn’t you just write the damn thing down on paper like normal people you stupid git” jeered Abdul Wahab.
“Well I’m not normal I-”
“That’s common knowledge” sneered Abdul Wahab.
“Would you stop sneering!” sneered Sophia. “As I was saying I’m BEYOND normal. I’m a witch!”
“Hey guys can we just focus on the agenda and-”
“ASTAGFIRUALLAH!” shouted Abdul Wahab, “you are a MUSLIMAH you got that? MAGIC IS HARAM.”
“Gee, maybe you should have seen the fine print when you signed the dotted line when agreeing to come to this school. I think it said HOGWARTS: SCHOOL OF WITCHCRAFT AND WIZARDRY. Oh did I say fine print? I meant the title!”
“Ouch! Scoffed!” instigated Raza.
“LOL nice one Sophia” said Farooq the President.
“Lahowala kuwata illabilla. You think Harry Potter is hot? Hell is hotter.” said Abdul Wahab.
Sophia blushed.

Farooq stood up again and shouted at everyone to calm down. Sophia and Abdul Wahab usually butted heads but today was a really bad day for them both. “Okay looks like we sort of went over the first part about low Muslim numbers at Hogwarts so we’ll move onto item two: khutbah problems.”

“I LOVED the khutbah” beamed Sophia.
“Of course you would you dumb git,” grumbled Abdul Wahab, “it was entirely unislamic.”
Raza looked around and squinted before he started speaking, “I liked Sheikh Dumbledore’s khutbah and-”

Farooq stood up again, wiping the sweat off his glasses. “ORDER! ORDER! Clearly this isn’t going anywhere. I’ll talk to Sheikh Dumbledore to see if there are any other Muslim professors around. In the meantime we’ll have to settle with him. Let’s move right along. Sophia what’s next thing on the agenda?”
Sophia glanced up at the agenda that was floating in the air. “Segregation issues at Hogwarts”
Abdul Wahab’s eyes lit up. “OH! THIS ONE IS REALLY IMPORTANT. STUPID FEMALES.”
Sophia opened her mouth to say something but started to adjust her hijab instead.
Farooq decided to finally give his two cents. “I have to agree that there are segregation issues at Hogwarts. I’m on the Quidditch team and lowering my gaze whenever females fly by you gets difficult and I’ve fallen off my broom several times.”
“Why are you playing such a kufr game?” grilled Abdul Wahab.
“Dawah I guess” snorted Farooq.
“What the crap is Quidditch?” asked Raza.
“LOL you’re such a Squib Raza.” snickered Sophia.
“What the crap is a Squib?” asked Raza, scrunching his nose this time.
“I’m trying to persuade the administration to keep the Quidditch matches segregated but I don’t think they’re budging.”
“Astagifurallah. Forget segregating Quidditch. JUST BAN IT. It’s filled with Haram magic. Astagfirullah.” grumbled Abdul Wahab.
“Why on earth did you come to Hogwarts anyway?” retorted Sophia.
“After seeing how some of the kids turned out in Islamic school, I think I have a better chance at Hogwarts” sneered Abdul Wahab.
“That’s true” said Sophia.
“And what about this stupid Yule Ball this year,” added Abdul Wahab, “it’s filled with fitnah, fitnah, fitnah and even more fitnah. Astagfirullah.”
Sophia giggled to herself as she dreamt that Neville Longbottom would ask her out one day.
“Well why not just ignore the Yule Ball?” asked Farooq.
“It is our duty in Islam to enjoin the good and forbid the evil!” barked Abdul Wahab.
“I want to ask out that Cho girl. Cha-Cho-Ching!” said Raza as his face lit up like a bunny.
Abdul Wahab raised his eyebrows then shut his eyes as he put his hands in the air. He made dua for the destruction of Hogwarts.

“ORDER! ORDER!” shouted Farooq as he wiped his glasses once again. “We just have one last thing on the agenda and I promise not to hold any more meetings this semester as it seems a lot us are buckling under the pressure of exams.”
Sophia glanced up at the agenda and read off the last item on it, “Islamic Awareness Week”.
Abdul Wahab finished his dua and stared grimly at Sophia. “I can’t see how IAW will work if the Muslims and especially the Muslimahs lack the basic fundamentals of this religion.”
Sophia opened her mouth to speak but started to tie her shoe laces.
Savouring the insult, Abdul Wahab continued, “I think it’s time we show this school why magic is REALLY Haram.”
“But we have to stop that Shaitaan … he-who-must-not-be-named!” pleaded Sophia.
“We can’t stop Haram with Haram! We must use the Qur’an and Sunnah!” “But how?” asked the nose-scruncher.
Abdul Wahab opened his mouth to speak but started to stroke his beard.
Farooq frowned. “Maybe if you make a whole campaign saying that Muslims are against Voldemort-”
“DON’T SAY HIS NAME” screamed Sophia.
“Err— the-dark-one … that Muslims are against the-dark-one and-”
“We’re not racist… we love black people.” chimed in Abdul Wahab.
“No no, I mean Vol… the dark… the EVIL one dammit!” shouted Farooq. “If we show the world that Muslims are against evil stuff then maybe people can look at Islam with a more positive outlook.”
“Perhaps have the most attractive people at the dawah booth” suggested Abdul Wahab, somehow implicitly referring to himself.
“Well that rules you out” sneered Sophia.
“I think we should have cookies from Honeydukes at our dawah booth” suggested Raza.

“I think we should have a Muslim version of the sorting hat” proposed Farooq.
“What the crap is a sorting hat?” asked the scrunchy-nosed Raza.
“I thought that bloody thing would eat me LOL. CHOMP CHOMP Hahaha.” added in Sophia.
“Too bad it didn’t” snarled Abdul Wahab as his lips curled.
“I said WHAT THE CRAP is a sorting hat?” asked Raza, his nose scrunching even more now.
Sophia cleared her throat and started to explain, “Basically it’s that hat that gets put on your head in first year and it tells you which house you should be in.”
“Oh… I was a Gryffindor” explained Raza.
Sophia’s eyes lit up. “Really?”
“Why on earth am I a Slytherin?” asked Abdul Wahab.
“So what do you think of a Muslim sorting hat Abdul Wahab?” asked Farooq again.
“It’s neat… we can place it on people’s heads and it will shout ‘MUSLIM!’ or ‘KAFIR!’”
“That’s pretty stupid! Only Allah (SWT) can judge who is Muslim or Kafir! Not some dumb hat!” shouted Sophia.
“Oh? So says the magic-wielding cow!”.
“You son of a-”
“COW! Career Oriented Woman. You want to be a Halal witch right?”

“Arright this isn’t getting anywhere at all… the goal for the next meeting is convert somebody at Hogwarts and bring them with you” ordered Farooq.
“Dibs on Cho” snickered Raza.
“Dibs on Neville” snickered Sophia.
“Dibs on Sophia because she has done so much kufr this meeting that she is practically not Muslim anymore” snickered Abdul Wahab.
“LOL you’re funny” replied Sophia.

And so they all walked out of the Room of Requirement and crept back into their respective houses. What will happen next week at Hogwarts for the Muslims? NOBODY KNOWS.

In stunning move last night, Muslims in Guyana chose Talal Ally as the new Caliph for Muslims everywhere. Although he was unable to be interviewed, it was reported that he would “run tings” in the Muslim world.

Members of the Guyanese government are thrilled at the announcement as it will increase the ever-throbbing Guyanese tourism industry. The new Caliph is currently the second hottest reason to visit Guyana, the first being bird-watching.

This announcement obviously ruffled a lot of feathers in the Muslim world. “What the hell is a Guyana?” asked Egyptian Imen Dhakir, who was posed as becoming the ‘next big Caliph’. “Why did they choose HIM and not ME? I mean I’m Egyptian and everybody loves Egyptians right?” It has been reported that Dhakir ran 10 kilometres a day in training to be the new Caliph. He was also on a strict South Beach Diet.

The Arab world planned on holding a “Caliphate Footrace” in January where the winner would become the next Caliph. This would have been the only way to settle the whole ‘Caliph fiasco’. Ironically, the Hizb-ut-Tahrir decided that they would hold the footrace by a democratic vote.

Hizb-ut-Tahrir representatives felt this whole situation was very bittersweet. An anonymous HT rep explained, “It’s sweet because all of our unrealistic goals came to fruition overnight but it’s bitter because we didn’t expect the Caliph to be from Africa or Oceania or wherever the hell Guyana is.”

Guyanese Caliph or not, most nations have said that they would only follow a Caliph from their own country. “I’m only following a Jordanian Caliph… that’s final!” said a representative of the Jordan Support Team. Other nations felt the same way. Even Muslims in Micronesia agreed that they would only follow a Micronesian Caliph.

When asked as to how Hizb-ut-Tahrir would solve the nationalism problem amongst Muslims, the representative simply made a vague hand gesture that seemed to imply “footraces”. When asked a follow-up question, the representative ran out of the room.

Although most Muslim nations are not going to listen to the new Guyanese Caliph, he continues to be a great role model for Guyanese Muslim youth everywhere.

Hakim Pervaiz, the President of Taqwa Masjid usually leaves Friday prayers a happy man but his post-Juma happiness streak abruptly ended last Friday when his shoes went missing.

“It was as if they just walked away on their own,” said Pervaiz, who had a sentimental attachment to his Reebok Pumps which he found to be ‘cool’. “I used to pump them up every morning before I left the house because the pumping technology gave it a better fit”. Pervaiz enjoyed pumping his shoes to increase his versatility when in the mosque office.

After Pervaiz’s shoes went missing, he panicked and ran home in his socks in the rain. “It was the most excruciating thing I’ve ever done in my entire life” he explained. He ran three miles when it suddenly dawned on him that he actually drove to the mosque that day.

Hakim isn’t pointing fingers but he feels that the perpetrator is an attendee at the mosque. He says this because shoes and jackets have been disappearing mysteriously after every prayer. Another shoe victim, Tarek Khan, switched mosques due to the increase in shoe crime. “It was ridiculous. After every prayer I couldn’t find my shoes so I built another mosque across the street where we just pray with our shoes on. It may not have the best smelling carpet in the world but I at least I still have my shoes on.”

Another anonymous shoe victim states that he doesn’t mind it when people take his shoes because he just steals another pair from someone else. “It’s great. Someone took my old sneakers so I just stole these shoes that have built-in roller-skates. People at my office are so jealous.”

Other mosque patrons bring their non-Muslim friends in the shoe area to keep an eye on their shoes during the prayer. “It’s a win-win situation for Carl, my non-Muslim friend.” said Pervaiz, “He gets to learn more about Islam through the khutbah and at the same time my shoes are safe.”

Although Carl finds the job degrading, he says he will accept Islam the day the Muslims find a solution to the parking problem at Juma. Carl remains a Hindu to this day.

I can’t blame Saudi Arabia for ALL the moon-sighting problems… sometimes the problem arises from bizarre moon-watchers claiming they saw some “moon-like” object. Having Eid prayers on different days may not seem “united”, but it inevitably always happens every year. Why is this? Because sometimes people think they see the moon but it’s not really a moon.

I will attempt to dissect this Moon Mystery by analyzing the “What ifs”

Moons tend to have wings and say “American Airlines” or “British Airways” written at the side of it as well. How can Eid NOT be tomorrow when the moon has flown across the horizon several times during the evening?

Mosque politics are as corrupted as Lex Luthor so SuperMuslim can handle that stuff too. Hush-hush elections? Same mysterious people in power for 20 years? SuperMuslim can put a stop to all that!

You ever wonder how they make the announcement for Eid several hours before the moon even comes out? This is why. Sun is just as good as the moon for some people.

Ramadan comes once a year and it’s a time that we should really reflect on a lot of things and avoid our bad habits for awhile. However once we drop some bad habits, new ones appear to arise. The following are some things done in Ramadan that need to be stopped and/or reduced.

Taraweeh Express

Sometimes Taraweeh prayers can get long … REALLY long. People make fiendish plans to make shortcuts.

“Hey I think he’s almost done the first rakaah”
“Let’s hit it up… GO GO GO!”
“Shoot he got up too early. Now everyone will know we’re late.”
“Let’s get the hell outta here… GO GO GO!”

Unfortunately these were two uncles.

Be a man (or woman). Pray the full two. Only wussies join before the first rakaat is ending.

Gain Weight

Amazingly, I hear people complaining that they gain weight during this month where we are supposed to fast. After seeing their plate at iftaar, I think I found the problem:

- Plateful of biryani.
- Side of hummus
- Some mashed potatoes
- A banana
- Fruit chaat (or fruit with spices in because some cultures put spices on virtually everything for some bizarre reason)
- Caeser’s salad sans bacon bits
- Roti (why not?)
- Goat curry
- Another banana

And upon second serving the person had this:

These plates could feed an army. If you’re gonna eat like a pig, don’t complain when Dr. Atkins comes knocking on your door for Eid.

Zakaat Gone Wrong

In Ramadan people tend to give charity a lot more because they’re in a more of an altruistic state and that’s cool and all but please, some people really need to get the hang of donating. I mean when we give charity, our left hand shouldn’t know what the right hand gave. Instead I see some random Joe Ali’s donating to let EVERYONE’s left hand, elbow and nostril know what Joe Ali’s right hand gave.

If you see anyone like this, make sure you give ‘em a right hand of your own.

But all blame can’t go to the person. Sometimes in the midst of Taraweeh prayers the mosque board would start ‘fun’draising, holding the second half of the Taraweeh hostage. You won’t be able to continue praying unless you pay up. Although donating to the mosque is nice, charity is sorta screwed up when they read out your name and read out how much you donated with commentary.

“Oh Br.Abdullah… I seen your house… you could have added a few Zeros at the end of that number.”
“Sr. Fatima… very good! If I knew you make this sort of cash I would have married off my daughter to your son.”

Breathing on People

An awesome part of Ramadan is that we have an excuse for having bad breath. And although our breath may smell better than musk to Allah (SWT), that doesn’t mean we should breathe on everyone we see.

Tip: talk less in Ramadan. It’ll be better for us all.

Miswak Misuse

To cover up that bad breath, we are allowed to “brush” using a handy stick called the miswak. Now brushing your teeth with a stick would normally be funny, but this is sunnah we’re talking about and judging by scientific reports, miswaks totally own toothbrushes. Although brushing our teeth might be cool, doing it in front of our non-Muslim friends could be fatal.

“Hey Yasir have you finished the- … holy mother of shampoo! What the hell are you doing?”
“Brushing my teeth with a stick.”
”Gross!”
“Don’t knock it until you tried it.”
“Maybe I will!”

So after giving your friend a miswak without proper guidelines you end up seeing this in the newspaper the next day.

Make sure you attach instructions to the miswak next time. No need to let your miswak go on a murderous rampage.

I think some mosques are heading in the right direction in terms of the things and activities they hold. My mosque for example holds an annual Open House for non-Muslims and we invite church groups to come to the mosque and learn a little bit about Islam. It’s all about dialogue and whatnot.

Unfortunately sometimes there is some miscommunication and misunderstanding between the two faiths. Here are some tragic events that could occur at the mosque on Open House day.

Carpet Woes

You busted yourself vacuuming and shampooing the mosque’s carpet only to realize the non-Muslims forgot to take their shoes off. Flip man. There are several paths to take now. You can try the subtle route:

“You like shoes? I don’t. They SUCK.”
OR
“Hey you know what feels great? The feeling of carpet brushing up against your socks or bare feet.”

Or just be blunt and say how you’re really feeling.
“Get your damn shoes off the carpet. Can’t you read the damn sign?”
Or just not say anything and simply tackle the person to the ground and take their shoes off without asking them. They should get the picture that way.

Crazy Uncle Who Didn’t Know It Was Open House Day

Imagine just some random mosque goer who happened to forget it was the mosque’s open house day? He’d be in shock to see non-Muslims all over the place. He’d think they were invading or something.

Like you can imagine this crazy uncle stepping fresh off the wudu area, drenched in water and still comprehending the fact that the parking lot was full outside when normally there is two cars for Zuhr. Well seeing the prayer area filled with Non-Muslim women won’t really whet his appetite. That is, non-Muslim women who might be wearing a hijab out of respect for the Muslims there but still be wearing tanktops and miniskirts. Hey it’s the thought that counts but the crazy uncle sees otherwise.

“THIS IS THE HOUSE OF ALLAH” shouts the crazy uncle.
“It sure is. Hi… I’m Susan” replies one of the female patrons as she sticks out her hand.
“ASTAGFIRULLAH”

Then the crazy uncle will run off to the basement to see if he actually is inside the right building. Lo and behold a wonderful community-like speech is occurring.

Non-Muslim Keynote Speaker

Your mosque would probably invite a local politician or mayor in town to share a few words regarding the city’s stance on multiculturalism or religious diversity or something. Unfortunately most talks I know all start the same way: with the obligatory non-Muslim speaker somehow butchering the Muslim greeting.

“Sorry if I don’t get this right… Ass…Assalam.. Assa-”
“MUSLIMS DON’T SAY ASS” shouts the crazy uncle from the crowd.
“I’m terribly sorry. Uhhh… Ass-lam-akay-kum.”
*Muslims in crowd burst out in laughter*
“Okay screw this … Hi.”

To make matters worse, they might start making “Muslim” jokes to lighten up the atmosphere. Bad idea with a culturally sensitive crowd. Here are some possible botched jokes:

“My name is Mike Kafsteenberger but you can call me Kafir for short.”
“I don’t want to steal too much of your time… you might slice my hands off or something.”
“I feel sorry for a lot of you … you can’t use your Air Miles because half of you are probably on the No-Fly list anyway. What a bummer.”
“Ham seriously tastes great. If only it was Hal-al for you folks.”

“Do you mind if I pray with you fellows?”

What a recipe for disaster. It’s nice that non-Muslims want to “experience” the prayer but things like this could get extremely awkward.

Like I always imagine having this oblivious non-Muslim guy “pray” beside me while in full congregation with everyone. He’d be constantly looking over at me in middle of prayer. Time to time he’ll ask me questions.

“So have I got it right? It’s right hand over left hand right? Are they placed on the belly button or below?”
“…”
“Hello?!”
“…”
“Oh dear me I must say you aren’t the talkative type.”

He’d also make strange comments throughout the prayer.
During Raku [the part where we bow down]: “I can touch my toes… can you?”
During Sujood #1 [the part when our head is on the ground]: “Man this carpet smells.”
During Sujood #2 [same as above, only second time]: “Did I mention this carpet smells?”
During Tashahud Position [part where we are sitting]: “What on earth are you doing with your finger?”
During Salam [part where we end prayer and turn our heads]: “Hi there… miss me?”

After prayer I told him he made a few mistakes like stepping on my toes because he took the “close the gaps” advice too literally and not doing his wudu before prayer. Even if he had wudu, by the smell of things it sounded like he would have lost it several times throughout the prayer anyway.

Oh and talking. That’s a no-no.

Aggressive Tour Guide

When it was time to organize small groups of tours, chaos broke loose. It’s natural for the non-Muslim visitors to be inquisitive and ask questions. It’s NOT natural for the tour guides to treat it like some fanatical debate.

“Hi there…my name is Susan. I was just curious as to why women pray in the back?”
“WHAT? DO YOU THINK WE SHOULD PRAY SIDE BY SIDE LIKE SOME SUPERMARKET?”
“No it’s just that-”
“PROVE TO ME THAT JESUS IS THE SON OF GOD. PROVE IT NOW. NOWHERE IN THE BIBLE DOES IT SAY THE TRINITY EXISTS.”
“Actually I’m Jewish and-”
“ISRAELI THIEVES. FREE PALESTINE”
“I’m actually against the occupa-”
“THIS TOUR IS OVER”

In the midst of a hiring, The Interviewer is forced to choose between two employees.

The Interviewer: Well you both have some solid applications.
Tahir: Thank you.
Ibrahim: Thank you.
The Interviewer: However I’m going to give the edge to Tahir here…
Tahir: Yes!

The Interviewer: With that being said, I give Tahir the Paradise Seal of Quality. Congratulations.
Tahir: Wahoo!
*The door bursts open. A mysterious looking man walks in, whispers something into The Interviewer’s ear and walks back out*
The Interviewer: Oh I see. I guess this changes everything. Can I have your applications back? I need to make some changes.
*The Interviewer takes out a red pen, scribbles all over the two applications and hands it back to the interviewees*

Tahir: What the? You just scribbled out all my stuff…
Ibrahim: …and added it to my application. Thanks!

The Interviewer: Congratulations Ibrahim. You’re hired!
Ibrahim: Oh thank you thank you!
Tahir: Hey! I thought I was hired!
The Interviewer: Your application sucks Tahir. Barely has anything on it.
Tahir: But you scribbled it out! LOL!
Ibrahim: LOL!
The Interviewer: Don’t LOL me. I don’t have time for losers like yourself.

*The Interviewer kicks Tahir out of the office*

Tahir: Damn it! You idiots! I’m the best damn guy in the world!

*Suddenly, a mysterious looking person arises out of the mist*

Charlie: Salam effendi.
Tahir: Who are you?
Charlie: That is irrelevant… the question is what are you doing out here?
Tahir: I got the boot. The Interviewer betrayed me and hired some moron instead. I hate that Ibrahim. He’s so stupid and conniving and …
Charlie: Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Tahir: What?
Charlie: Didn’t you learn anything?
Tahir: Of course not. Was I supposed to learn something?
Charlie: Sigh.

*Charlie takes Tahir inside a mysterious looking building*

Tahir: Where the hell are we?
Charlie: That is irrelevant… the question is have you read the Charles Dickens story called “A Christmas Carol” or seen the movie?
Tahir: No I don’t celebrate Christmas. The Imam at my mosque told me not to be affiliate with Christmas at all.
Charlie: That’s a pity. It’s a good movie. Anyway in the story there is a Ghost called “The Ghost of Christmas Past”…
Tahir: I thought ghosts were part of Halloween?
Charlie: No. Wait yeah they are but…
Tahir: Isn’t Halloween Haram as well? My mosque made a program called “Halaloween” to encourage kids to do Halal things. LOL @ title of Halaloween.
Charlie: Yeah yeah it has nothing to do with Halloween. Anyway, technically I’m like the Ghost of Christmas Past. But to make it easier for you we’ll call myself The Ghost of Eid-ul-Fitr.
Tahir: So you’re a jinn?
Charlie: No! Okay listen forget all this ghost crap. Just call me Charlie.
Tahir: Are you a revert?
Charlie: Just shut up for a second and listen. Basically I have access to a lot of the dumb things you did in your past. We’ll call them flashbacks. Do you like flashbacks?
Tahir: Flashbacks are fun.
Charlie: Good. Now I’m going to show you a few throughout this evening. For starters: What is your opinion of Ibrahim… the fellow that just took your job.
Tahir: He’s a bast-
Charlie: Okay that’s enough sonny. Do you ever find yourself backbiting Ibrahim a lot?
Tahir: Yeah I remember this one time in the gym… He was doing some girly push-ups so I told him to ‘be a man’ and I bit his back.

Charlie: Hang on sonny… I think you are mistaken with cannibalism. That I believe is Haram too. We shouldn’t eat one another.
Tahir: Oh I see.
Charlie: I’m talking about backbiting as in the tongue. Do you find yourself talking ill of Ibrahim when he’s not around?
Tahir: Oh all the time.
Charlie: Why do you do it?
Tahir: Well… it’s not like it damages HIM does it? It only makes ME feel better.
Charlie: But don’t you think other people would get a bad impression of him?
Tahir: Well that’s the point. They should see how he really is y’now?
Charlie: I have a flashback that I think we should watch…

Tahir: Man Fatima was hot. I can’t believe she married that idiotic doctor…
Charlie: Hey!
Tahir: What?? It’s the facts ma’am.
Charlie: That’s your problem T-man. You realize that “Factbiting” is the same as Backbiting right?
Tahir: I don’t believe it Charles.
Charlie: If everyone knew every single fact about you do you think people would like it?
Tahir: Of course they would. Chicks would dig the fact that I have no hair on my legs or that I have a birthmark on my chest. I’m concealing a lot of potential chick magnets y’know?
Charlie: I guess you don’t mind me telling all the sisters you know that you still wet the bed to this day or that you have a secret obsession with Barbie dolls.
Tahir: Hey! I told nobody about that stuff! How did you…
Charlie: That is irrelevant … the question is factbiting is backbiting.
Tahir: That’s not a question at all man.
Charlie: Woops… I mean do you think factbiting is backbiting now?
Tahir: Yeah yeah. But who cares if it’s fact or false? I would have said that crap to his face anyway. I’m a man like that.
Charlie: Hmmm I think I have another flashback…

Tahir: Seriously though… that is one stupid shirt.
Charlie: Tahir..
Tahir: What?! I said it to his face. I rock.
Charlie: I don’t think saying bad things in front of people makes it any better. It just makes you look more like a jackass.
Tahir: But -
Charlie: And Muslims are not supposed to be jackasses right?
Tahir: True… but there is this one “Muslim” website filled with morons called MuslimWa-…
Charlie: That is irrelevant. The question is have you learned anything?
Tahir: Backbiting is for losers who have no life because they fill their own empty life with the misery of others?
Charlie: More or less.
Tahir: Can you explain who you are?
Charlie: Just a mysterious guy who tells interviewers if their future applicants suck or not.
Tahir: YOU.
Charlie: Hey don’t worry I hooked you up.
Tahir: *blush* Thanks man.
Charlie: Oh I got you a present. Here…

*Tahir opened up his present.*

Tahir: Oh the new Barbie!
Charlie: There’s more…
Tahir: And new bed sheets! Thanks man!
Charlie: Don’t mention it. Try not to think of water before you sleep.