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May 25, 2005
written by Hamzah Moin

I seriously don’t know what the big deal is with e-macks. People who hit on the opposite gender online tend to be people who lack confidence and are too wussy to do it in real life (it’s not really Halal anyway). People build up this thing called e-courage and say things or do things that they wouldn’t do in real life. Here are some things that you should avoid:

1) Justification

First off, in order to convince ourselves that we aren’t doing anything too Haram, we tend to make some sort of whacked out justification.

Nabeel: Salam Jamila. I need to talk about Islamic stuff and such.
Jamila: ws… sure what’s up?
Nabeel: Well, I was just wondering if my beard qualifies as sunnah. What do you think?
Jamila: hmmm well from what ive seen of it, it seems to be pretty sunnah-like.
Nabeel: Okay thanks… so what’s up? :)

See that? Sly. But lame. Whenever your mother yells at you from downstairs and asks you what you are doing, you usually respond with “Oh just doing dawah/Islamic work/MSA etc.” and you’re clear to go. Or are you?

2) Lame compliments

After we justify it, people tend to dive a bit further into the conversation by exchanging compliments.

Nabeel: And so I said to the guy I said, “Roll your pants up, I’m Nabeel ya’ani”
Jamila: LOL omg lol rofl lol roffle
Nabeel: You liked that one eh?
Jamila: u r soooooooo funnie
Nabeel: yeah?
Jamila: and being funnie is being cute lolzz
Nabeel: I think you’re cute too.

Whoa easy there tiger. Compliments lead to unnecessary flattery where everyone starts to feel all giggly and LOL-y. Feeling giggly and bubbley is stupid.

3) The Wink

Usually after a compliment, we tend to bust out the infamous wink. These things are TROUBLE.

Nabeel: Go on, go on. I like compliments.
Jamila: you also make a killer athaan before juma lol
Nabeel: I know.

I mean normal smiles are okay because “Smiling is Charity” but the elusive wink tends to give people the wrong idea. Take one sentence and compare the connotation:

Nabeel: hey…salam
Nabeel: hey…salam

The latter is for the morons.

4) Pic?

Okay now it gets REALLY bad.

Jamila: nabeel I want your opinion on something.
Nabeel: Sure.
*transferring file jamila.jpg*

Nabeel: oh nice hijab
Jamila: lol
Nabeel: I just took a picture. Wanna see?
Jamila: okay lolz
*transferring file boypose.jpg*

This is what I don’t get about Muslims. Why send a pic when you know you won’t (or shouldn’t) receive a compliment about the way you look? What the hell are you expecting… “MAN YOU ARE HOT MASHALLAH” ? “Cute beard??” “Your hijab really brings out your beautiful face??” Get some self-esteem will ya?

5) Webcam

Unfortunately, some people go all out with the webcam. Here’s probably what would happen if you get too excited with it.


So stop ka-slapping around and get your mind out of the gutter.

34 Responses to “Muslim Chat Do Nots”

  1. Karim Says:

    funny funny i like it .. most of is true :P

  2. Karim Says:

    and dont forget the ;)

  3. GuessWho Says:

    Lol. This one is really funny. Sad though how its true.
    -Sigh-
    Oh well :)

  4. sk Says:

    omg..made me cradck up “ammi m working with him for an islamic event” Lawl.. buh it can happen to the guys tooh.. just putting that in sitll….

  5. Lulu Says:

    once again… another near death experience upon reading the lil webcam spoof :P

  6. Rifat Says:

    That boy-pose was was so hilariously disturbing, I nearly choked! ;)

  7. nabeel Says:

    Thanks for using my name ;)

    LOL

  8. Nabeel Says:

    haha it has my name :D…this is soo funny…ironic how i use the same methods to chat lol

  9. NJSedai Says:

    Haha, haven’t been on here in forever. Hamzah - still doing an awesome job with those articles :)
    I love this one’s video. Did you write this after that? Or was this the inspiration?

  10. confused... Says:

    funny funny i like it

  11. Sadaf Says:

    This was SOOOOO funny!!!! Haha!!!

  12. Tarek Says:

    Salaamz… i know this stuff definitely happens with people that dont take Islam seriously…but people that do take it seriously…hopefully they should be trying to avoid talking to the opposite gender as much as possible…bcoz Shaitaans always making his moves…

  13. Ish Says:

    omg, this is so true. one of the best :) <-(charity)

  14. proud muslim Says:

    funny and true :)

  15. sannnaa Says:

    lolz it’s funny n true :)

  16. Maha Says:

    “Jamila: LOL omg lol rofl lol roffle
    Nabeel: You liked that one eh?
    Jamila: u r soooooooo funnie
    Nabeel: yeah?
    Jamila: and being funnie is being cute lolzz”

    = HilARE

  17. Saara Says:

    doh! alterior motives are creepy

  18. lu2lu2 Says:

    looooooooooooooooooooool
    great job
    hahahahah

  19. Asmaa Says:

    Hmm.. Now this one is taking Islaam to a whole new low.. I bet the people who are really involved in dawah works dont even have time to post comments or enjoy free moments that we mess up our lives in…

  20. Makola Says:

    true, but creepy article. it happens a lot here in my country… and then you dont even know about it.
    stay safe! even the “virtual” life has gaping trapdoors

  21. Specs Says:

    Very nice, haha. Someone referred me here; its a pretty wicked article.

    Keep typing away.

  22. anon ymous Says:

    ammi!!!!

  23. myself Says:

    looool…man that made my day. :P

  24. Sizzle Says:

    lol ;) aww ammi! im working with him for an Islamic event!

  25. food Says:

    true!

  26. mumina Says:

    AOA,
    so true. I’m gonna be more careful next time.

  27. Floozy Says:

    Nabeel: yeah, sounds good. Talk to you soon, I gotta go pray Maghrib. Salam
    Jamila: I’d totally pray behind you! ;) Wsalam.

  28. MK Says:

    can’t stop laughing ‘YOU’RE SO HOT MASHA”ALLAH’…..

  29. sayed Says:

    omg this is next level funny!! rofl!!

    love this site its awesome

  30. Samurai Scarfie Says:

    hahah the `hey you` boypose.jpg was epic really laughed at that.

  31. maryam.akram Says:

    [...] Muslim Chat Do Nots May 25, 2005 written by Hamzah Moin [...]

  32. ibn affan Says:

    Quite the funny i suppose. Ironic as well, but SAD as hell.

    I laughed myself to tears and cried myself to tears. I ask

    myself though, what does it take, these days, to engage

    in a conversation with a Muslim sister without bending to
    \
    shaytan’s will? This artcile clearly underscore the phrase

    “desire can create its own objective”

    I laughed because yes, i found Nabeel’s “tactics”

    surprisingly similar to mine, and seeing someone else do it

    is funny, as it is quite seemingly out of desperation. I cried

    because I’ve been shown myself…in a way I’ve been

    extracted out of my own little world, i mean, witnessing

    someone else do it makes you feel disgusted about

    yourself, and the fact that I’ve JUSTIFIED before it is just

    down-right scary especially when my justification is a

    religiously “intellectual” discussion. Reality is, talking on

    msn like that is DANGEROUS, even the most religious guys

    and girls have gone down that dark path before… yup for

    sure, there is always a way around the “good-good”

    stuff, take that funny example by Floozy

    “Nabeel: yeah, sounds good. Talk to you soon, I gotta go pray Maghrib. Salam
    Jamila: I’d totally pray behind you! ;) Wsalam.

    and the many other examples by Hamzah. Frankly, it is an

    obsession. An obsession sugarcoated by denial, it tastes

    good…but only for the moment.

  33. Baby Bee Says:

    “MAN YOU ARE HOT MASHALLAH” lmao

  34. nyla Says:

    LMAO!!! that was too funny but seriously makes you see things from a different perspective.

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