Lobbyist cartoon inspired by: Khaiam Dar (True Colours)

Islamic Conferences can be grand. It’s a time where people from all across the nation come together to learn about our great religion. However when you got the largest Muslim gathering in the West occuring, you’re bound to run into some speedbumps along the way. I’d like to take a close look at the people you might bump into at an upcoming Islamic conference:

The Volunteer

These are the bread and butter of most Islamic conferences because they’re always there for a helping hand. I mean we can’t really judge the intention of all volunteers but I know half of them are only there to get a little you-know-what. Cha-ching. I’m not sure what you’re thinking of but I’m talking about good deeds. Most volunteers are volunteering for the sake of Allah (SWT) I’m sure?

I feel sorry for most of them though. Nobody really cares that they exist.

“Please brothers and sisters! Can we make two lines and fill up the front seats first?!”
Amount of people that will listen: Zero.

“Please brothers and sisters! We need donations. This organization cannot survive without your donations!!”
Amount of people that will listen: Zero.

“Please brothers and sisters! Someone has double parked outside and the speaker can’t enter the parking lot! You must remove your car!”
Amount of people that will listen: Zero.

Most volunteers tend to marry each other and produce more volunteers into the world so the cycle works out pretty good.

Secret Security Service

These types of volunteers are freaking weird. They’re like high class and they always wear suits. Apparently when a top-billing speaker/scholar is about to speak, they go nuts and do everything they possibly can to ensure the speaker arrives at the platform safely.

This is what happened to me once:

“You there,” said the Secret Security Agent, “come here.”
I scurried over. “Yes sir?”
“Are you a volunteer here?”
“Yes sir.”
“Are you aware that Sheikh Abdullah is coming at 20:00 hours? That give us T-Minus 3 hours for evacuation.”
“And uh… what?”
“What is your exit strategy? What happens if he gets mugged? What happens if he wants to go the washroom? What happens if his mother calls? WHAT IS YOUR COURSE OF ACTION SOLDIER?”
“Uhhh SIR YES SIR”

I didn’t have one naturally. These people were barking at me and my friends for assuming the speaker could just walk right in the main entrance and walk right out. Apparently we had to make this next-level map on a napkin.

Amazing isn’t it? Unfortunately the speaker decided to be normal though and opted to walk through the main entrance and walk back out.

Progressive Group

This group of “Muslims” pretty much just come to Islamic conferences so they can cause chaos and write about it on their “Prog Blogs”. The extreme left is just as inane as the extreme right.

What they don’t know is that nobody gives a damn about what Progressives have to say anyway.

Niqaabi

Most niqaabis I wouldn’t second-guess. Anyone covering head-to-toe is the real deal. But the ones at Islamic conferences seem a bit bizarre. Once I was walking by this niqaabi and she said “Assalamu Alaikum” but the problem was her voice was deeper than mine, wore some really nice sneakers and was the size of a basketball player. This “niqaabi” looked at me and gave me a wink. Naturally, I know real niqaabis wouldn’t do this so I made the following conclusion:

Gross.

Although judging by these bizarre Stalkers and Scary Aunties, it’s no surprise why some folks decide to go all out. Too many horndogs amongst us.

Stalkers

Ever notice in the corner of your eye someone who is watching you? Ever get the chilly feeling that this person always seems to be there whenever you turn your head? That’s because its true… it means you have a stalker.

Fear not. Stalkers for the most part don’t have the guts to say anything to you. They just watch from afar and admire you and dream of one day of meeting you. You might find the brave stalker who will say “Assalamu Alaikum” but it would probably just be a normal Salam. Unless the stalker WINKS while saying it. And lick his/her lips. Then you know you got the real deal. If that’s the case run like hell.

Scary Aunties

Similar to Stalkers by nature, only rather than the marriage-deprived guys/girls doing the stalking, its the mother looking for a new addition to the family.

Scary Auntie: Excuse me girl… how are you?
Girl: Um fine.
Scary Auntie: mashAllah great. So what do you do?
Girl: I umm in university
Scary Auntie: mashAllah you have fair skin.
Girl: Well I am a convert and…
Scary Auntie: My son is in med school, mashAllah.
Girl: I have to go…
Scary Auntie: mashAllah.

Later on you might be flipping through one of those Islamic convention magazines and find your phone number somehow (mysteriously) listed in the matrimonial section. I wonder…

Lobbyists

Probably the most annoying of the bunch are the Lobbyists also called “desperate losers”. As soon as the last session ends, out comes the shady folk (who didn’t attend a single session all conference) to “get-to-know” one another. Hijabi one minute … off with the hijab the next. Beardo one minute … off with the beard the next. Awrah covered one minute … off with the pants the next. The list goes on.

Things to do to screw up Lobbyist meet-up plans:

Anti-Lobbyists

If there is anyone more annoying than Lobbyists it would have be the Anti-Lobbyists. These individuals make it sound like the entire Islamic conference is a giant Fitna Factory when in reality its only an extremely small fraction. They also think ANY sort of intergender talking is shady.

Guy: So … did you like the session?
Girl: Yeah… heehee. It was really good.
Anti-Lobbyist: ASTAGFIRULLAH STOP TALKING ASTAGFIRULLAH
Girl: Why?
Anti-Lobbyist: ASTAGFIRULLAH DON’T YOU KNOW THE FIQH OF TALKING TO THE OPPOSITE GENDER?? ASTAGFIRULLAH
Guy: But she’s my sister.
Anti-Lobbyist: ASTAGFIR-… oh. Carry on.

These people are annoying and will try to get you stop coming to Islamic conferences altogether. They don’t really have a solution to the Lobbyist problem… they just complain like broken records. They just complain like broken records. They just complain like broken records.

Others will try to make anti-[name of Islamic convention here] shirts in order to be cool and controversial. Here’s a flash for you joy-boy: you’re not cool nor controversial nor funny. Stop ruining the conference for the masses and stop trying to be some stupid Islamic daredevil… suck it up and enjoy the conference.

Las Vegas – An eccentric Muslim man from Carson City bargained more than he asked for last Thursday. Aabid Yusuf, 37, found his stay at Grapevine Casino to be less than pleasant.

“I went to the Casino to do some dawah of course because people there are oh so Haram.” said Yusuf. “I figured this would be a prime spot to spread the religion of Islam.”

Although Yusuf just recently got into the Dawah gig, he took tips from many prominent Muslim leaders. “They told me to pass out these one minute messages where all the Islamic information is written on a brochure and I just hand them out. It’s great because I hate talking and people just read it on their own. Best one minute of their lives I bet.”

Casino patrons disliked Yusuf’s tactics however. Sylvia Lopez, a local resident, was disgusted. “I said I didn’t want to take anything and he insisted that I would go to hell if I didn’t read it. When I kept refusing he started mumbling something about Kafirs and Jihad or something”

Other casino goers didn’t mind. “I like to read books in the washroom”, said Andrew Smith, “and I need bookmarks. Thank God I bumped into this guy handing out all these bookmark things.”

Mr. Yusuf caught wind of people abusing his brochures however and decided to change his tactics. “Well it was time for prayer anyway so I stood on the craps table and started giving the call to prayer (athaan). People got angry but hey, when a man has to pray a man has to pray.” Eyewitnesses report that Mr. Yusuf could only find a spot to pray between two slot machines.

Yusuf’s shenanigans did not go unnoticed by Casino security who asked him to politely leave unless he participates in one of the games. Yusuf took the bait. “Hey… if I could convert ten people by tonight by doing a “little” bit of Haram them it would all worth it.”

Unfortunately for Aabid, the one quarter he put into the slots machine turned into ten quarters and before you knew it, he was there until 3AM. Yusuf notes, “I almost got three cherries. Cherries mean more money and more money means more zakat. All this is going for a good cause I swear.”

By the end of the night, Aabid Yusuf spent his entire Imam-training money on the slot machines. It was reported that he got into a fight with the casino management saying he wanted his money back because “betting was Haram” and that “the machine was rigged”. In response, the management banned him from the casino.

Since then, Mr. Yusuf has been seen performing more rigorous dawah exercises in bars and strip clubs.

Although I enjoy making fun of girls on this site, guys are guiltier with much grander things. For every giggle or ‘teehee’ a boppy Muslim girl does, a sleazy Muslim guy macks on about two or three girls (at the same time). Think all guys are innocent? Think again. Uh-oh I hear the fatwa police.

“Haraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaam!!!”

For once I might have to agree with my fatwa bandit friends. There are many Muslim guys out there who try their hardest to put their “game” on to impress the ladies. The silly part about all this is that the guilty party claims to be religious and they have a perfectly justifiable reason for all of this … or so it seems.

“You see brother, since we can’t date we have to at least try to ‘learn’ what the female is like so on marriage day we know how they think.”

This is the #1 justification for every Muslim male on the planet to get chummy with girls. Well more than chummy actually. E-dating… where you first exchange your life stories and pics then move onto feelings and thoughts about one another and become almost lovers when all of a sudden the guy backs off and says “no sister we are just brothers and sisters in Islam… nothing more… teehee.”

I’m sorry brothers but let’s face it… you can talk to 100 women before marriage and think you “mastered the girl situation” but as soon as that Nikkah contract is signed, you’ll soon realize that the “experience” you received from e-dating those 100 Muslim girls in the past was useless. Why? Because girls are unsolvable. Period. Ever stop and wonder why they made the Riddler from the Batman comics to be a male? It’s because if the Riddler was a female then Batman would NEVER be able to solve any of her riddles. The Riddleress would be victorious and that would be the end of Batman forever.

Girls are a riddle wrapped in an enigma wrapped in another riddle, sugar-coated with mystery, enfolded into a puzzle while finally encased in a conundrum. Save your time and internet bills and start fresh with your future spouse.

The whole marriage process done the Islamic way is ample enough time to get to know your potential spouse. No need to instant message each other 4 years before the big day to “get acquainted”. I’d get bored if I already knew everything about my wife after (or before) the Nikkah, wouldn’t you?

“You see brother, she is my cousin so no need to worry. Hijab in front of me? NONSENSE.” I’m sorry if this grosses you ethnocentric fools out but opposite-gender cousins should be treated the same way we treat anyone else from the opposite gender (that is assuming you aren’t loosey-goosey and play patty-cake with everyone from the opposite gender). I personally prefer it if people marry OUTSIDE their family. Too many cousin-marriages will lead into quite the amplification of hereditary diseases and I’m sure the kids from the cousin-marriage will be scarred for life when they have to make a complete family tree for a school project. “But Abdullah,” said Mrs. Elffab, “why does your family tree have interconnecting branches? It looks more like a family bush. Hey… waita minute.” Poor Abdullah wasn’t the same again…

Although the advantages of marrying cousins are there as well (cheaper wedding card invites because EVERYONE is family … divorcing a cousin isn’t rough because hey… “you’re still cousins”).

Sorry for going incredibly off topic but I think my message is clear: your son/daughter/niece/nephew will have a tough time if you marry a cousin. That doesn’t mean you can get all fancy-prancy around them either.

Converting via dawah? Sure… $3.
Converting via Valentine’s presents? Errrr… $9.
Converting via back massages? Uhhhh… $15.
Converting via secretly-making-out-in-a-dark-hallway-of-a-library-hoping-nobody-would-see-them-but was-caught-by-yours-truly? Priceless. I’m out of 70 excuses.

I don’t get too much “hate” mail. If people have a problem with the site they would e-mail me with class and I like classy e-mails. Unfortunately you get the occasional dumbo who posts with emotion or nonsense rather than thought. I think we’re all guilty of it at times but I decided to show people what bad adaab really looks like. I have removed the names to avoid backbiting and made them “generally dumb e-mails”.

No one is perfect you say? Actually, Prophet Muhammad (SAW) is. Ohhhhhh. Got you there. A perfect example of a Muslim he is.

I’m “Sorey” you “Sore” my site in that light. I’ve been called sexist, racist, Zionist and any other kind of “ist” you can think of so I’m getting pretty used to people throwing prejudice tags on me. I don’t pick on a particular group. I make fun of everyone equally. Naturally some sisters reading that are probably flailing their arms in resentment and tightening their hijabs and/or niqabs and/or ponytail.

Yes I make fun of sisters a lot on this site but brothers do dumb things too… just in different ways. All in due time. In the mean-time, I’ll stop making fun of sisters if they stop giving me material and so far I don’t see any stoppage of material anytime soon.

I excluded his last paragraph but his last line asked for forgiveness to Allah (SWT) on my behalf and wished for me to go to Paradise. I think that’s a good gesture. Awwww.

Actually, the biggest mockery to Islam are unintelligent Muslims who have not mastered the ability of “keyboarding”. Bad keyboarding is a Bad Dawah Tactic. If I was on brink of converting to Islam and I saw someone type something like “HeY JoHNny, WhAt woUld YoU LiKE 2 KnOW AbOUt IsLAm?”, I’d scream and convert to Rastafarianism or something. Doesn’t it require MORE effort to capitalize every other letter? I’m sure if the shift key was able to convery its feelings, it would tell you that it does not like being pressed up and down after every letter. How would you feel like being pushed up and down by a giant finger after every syllable you speak? I thought so. Either type in all lower cases like a lazy bum, all CAPITAL LETTERS like a screaming khateeb or do something that most of the literate world should do: write properly. We didn’t attend 16 years worth of school to write like monkeys.

I agreed with the ending though: my ammi is indeed not a bathroom.

Sometimes I laugh at you, sometimes I wonder who your English teacher is and wonder why they bothered to pass you because you have not grasped the concept that “s” and “z” are two different letters. Back to Kindergarten for you.

*yawn*. E-mails like this cheer me up. If a bed of roses could be in e-mail form then make no mistake: it would look like this. I would like to thank the Academy. And don’t call me buddy if you aren’t my friend. Is that a way of easing the pain before telling a person off?@ the workplace.

@ the home.

@ the uhhh…

Wasalam,
Since waisting isn’t a real word, I’ll make up my own definition.waist-ing
1. To use, consume, spend, or expend efficiently and meticulously.So to re-write your e-mail with the above definition I’d get:

Salamualaikum, you are using, consuming, spending or expending your time in the most efficient and meticulous way possible. Thank you and I love you and *giggle* *blush*
-brother

Damn you caught me. Yes, my site is loaded with Masonic texts and if you take the amount of letters in my name (6), multiply it by the amount of hours it took you to write that e-mail (4), mutliply by the amount of sale on sneakers at Wal-Mart (50%), divide by 4 (I like that number) and you’ll get a number that probably means something incredibly evil in Masonic texts … just like every other number. Also if you stare closely at the Maniac Muslim logo, you’ll see several symbols for the numbers 13, 2, 123, -1 and 3.14159 … all incredibly evil stuff. Anyway, your e-mail makes no sense and by calling me a non-Muslim you’re really screwing up your chances on the Day of Judgment. Imagine having all the right stuff to go to Heaven then you realize it’s all gone to flush because you judged somebody’s iman and played the role of Allah (SWT) on earth? Man if that isn’t the biggest eternal bummer in the world, then I don’t know what is.