In stunning move last night, Muslims in Guyana chose Talal Ally as the new Caliph for Muslims everywhere. Although he was unable to be interviewed, it was reported that he would “run tings” in the Muslim world.
Members of the Guyanese government are thrilled at the announcement as it will increase the ever-throbbing Guyanese tourism industry. The new Caliph is currently the second hottest reason to visit Guyana, the first being bird-watching.
This announcement obviously ruffled a lot of feathers in the Muslim world. “What the hell is a Guyana?” asked Egyptian Imen Dhakir, who was posed as becoming the ‘next big Caliph’. “Why did they choose HIM and not ME? I mean I’m Egyptian and everybody loves Egyptians right?” It has been reported that Dhakir ran 10 kilometres a day in training to be the new Caliph. He was also on a strict South Beach Diet.
The Arab world planned on holding a “Caliphate Footrace” in January where the winner would become the next Caliph. This would have been the only way to settle the whole ‘Caliph fiasco’. Ironically, the Hizb-ut-Tahrir decided that they would hold the footrace by a democratic vote.
Hizb-ut-Tahrir representatives felt this whole situation was very bittersweet. An anonymous HT rep explained, “It’s sweet because all of our unrealistic goals came to fruition overnight but it’s bitter because we didn’t expect the Caliph to be from Africa or Oceania or wherever the hell Guyana is.”
Guyanese Caliph or not, most nations have said that they would only follow a Caliph from their own country. “I’m only following a Jordanian Caliph… that’s final!” said a representative of the Jordan Support Team. Other nations felt the same way. Even Muslims in Micronesia agreed that they would only follow a Micronesian Caliph.
When asked as to how Hizb-ut-Tahrir would solve the nationalism problem amongst Muslims, the representative simply made a vague hand gesture that seemed to imply “footraces”. When asked a follow-up question, the representative ran out of the room.
Although most Muslim nations are not going to listen to the new Guyanese Caliph, he continues to be a great role model for Guyanese Muslim youth everywhere.
January 20th, 2008 at 9:17 am
” It has been reported that Dhakir ran 10 kilometres a day in training to be the new Caliph. He was also on a strict South Beach Diet.”
AHAHAHAHAHAHA…classic!
March 2nd, 2008 at 7:27 pm
AHAHAHAHAHAHA…classic!
May 28th, 2008 at 10:24 am
I think you should stop this slander against sincere groups who aim to bring back a way of life that prevents the jahil behaviour exemplified by your cartoons. (I would be suprised if you publish this comment). Obviusly you have something against HT….its ok to disagree with a group’s methedology, but to mock it in this manner is sinful. You think that the return of the caliphate is “unrealistic”? yet has been promised by rasool (saw) …go read some hadith bro.
July 8th, 2008 at 11:55 am
Salaam!
Love reading your articles. Alhumdulillah they are very funny. But brother please do be careful not to mock. I feeel in this one youve gone a lil far. May Allah swt forgive us & bless us with understanding InshAllah.
Keep up the good work!
November 18th, 2008 at 3:40 am
lmao. of COURSE we “run tings”
March 26th, 2009 at 11:56 am
Well Hamza, you too are Bitter & Sweet.. In one article you show the thumbs down to backbiting, which is heartening, on the other, you urself backbite.. You know what i mean.. careful maaaaaaan.. the HT could have a case against you on the day of J
June 10th, 2009 at 12:58 am
salam,
I guess as long as the article is posted, br. Hamza is giving HTers from his hanasat. Will you remove the backbiting or what?
June 10th, 2009 at 3:30 am
Are you guys saying HT is free from criticism and if so, why?
Criticism does not equal backbiting. If I were to say write an article criticizing ISNA’s , ICNA’s or FOSIS’ policies in a humourous manner, would it be considered backbiting? Of course it wouldn’t. Discussing an organization’s vision statement is not backbiting At all.
Silly.
October 2nd, 2009 at 2:10 pm
lol of course we run tings
November 29th, 2009 at 2:34 pm
Brother,soon Caliphate will return and we would see Islam as complete code of life on the face of Earth — Panacea to world problems………………anywayz,i liked the joke