In a stunning turn of events, a cell phone erupted in the midst of Maghrib prayer today. The participants of the prayer weren’t too pleased. Kareem Hajji, a regular congregational Maghrib member comments, “This was just awful. I didn’t expect in a million years that a cell phone would go off during prayer.”

The interesting part about all this was that it was the Imam’s cell phone that went off. The Imam was in the middle of reciting Surah Fatiha when his cell-phone started going off. He paused the Surah, turned his cell-phone on silent then continued the Surah as if nothing happened.

“I didn’t expect to hear ‘My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard’ during this Maghrib prayer” said Hajji. The Imam simply replied that he did not know how to change ring-tones and that the back-up Imam did it as a “joke”. But this was no laughing matter for the Imam.

The Imam rants, “Changing the ring-tone to a song like that was borderline Haram but those people deserved it anyway. That’d show them for keeping their cellphones on during my khutbahs. What goes around comes around. Stupid-heads.”

The partakers of the Maghrib prayer were not amused and felt that corrupting the prayer was not a good revenge. An anonymous regular remarks, “This was the worst Maghrib prayer I’ve ever prayed in my life.”

Ongoing pranks isn’t a new thing for Taqwa Masjid. Once, someone from the community dressed up as a non-Muslim who was interested in Islam to fool the Imam. After a rigorous three hours, the Imam managed to “convert” the non-Muslim only to find out he was really Muslim the entire time. Since then the Masjid community has been split into two and nasty politics ensued.

However, since the Maghrib incident, an average of one cell-phone goes off during every prayer at Taqwa Masjid. The mosque board was nice enough to start a fund that whenever there was a prayer that was cell-phone-free then they would put $20 into a jar.

The jar is currently empty.

Lobbyist cartoon inspired by: Khaiam Dar (True Colours)

Islamic Conferences can be grand. It’s a time where people from all across the nation come together to learn about our great religion. However when you got the largest Muslim gathering in the West occuring, you’re bound to run into some speedbumps along the way. I’d like to take a close look at the people you might bump into at an upcoming Islamic conference:

The Volunteer

These are the bread and butter of most Islamic conferences because they’re always there for a helping hand. I mean we can’t really judge the intention of all volunteers but I know half of them are only there to get a little you-know-what. Cha-ching. I’m not sure what you’re thinking of but I’m talking about good deeds. Most volunteers are volunteering for the sake of Allah (SWT) I’m sure?

I feel sorry for most of them though. Nobody really cares that they exist.

“Please brothers and sisters! Can we make two lines and fill up the front seats first?!”
Amount of people that will listen: Zero.

“Please brothers and sisters! We need donations. This organization cannot survive without your donations!!”
Amount of people that will listen: Zero.

“Please brothers and sisters! Someone has double parked outside and the speaker can’t enter the parking lot! You must remove your car!”
Amount of people that will listen: Zero.

Most volunteers tend to marry each other and produce more volunteers into the world so the cycle works out pretty good.

Secret Security Service

These types of volunteers are freaking weird. They’re like high class and they always wear suits. Apparently when a top-billing speaker/scholar is about to speak, they go nuts and do everything they possibly can to ensure the speaker arrives at the platform safely.

This is what happened to me once:

“You there,” said the Secret Security Agent, “come here.”
I scurried over. “Yes sir?”
“Are you a volunteer here?”
“Yes sir.”
“Are you aware that Sheikh Abdullah is coming at 20:00 hours? That give us T-Minus 3 hours for evacuation.”
“And uh… what?”
“What is your exit strategy? What happens if he gets mugged? What happens if he wants to go the washroom? What happens if his mother calls? WHAT IS YOUR COURSE OF ACTION SOLDIER?”
“Uhhh SIR YES SIR”

I didn’t have one naturally. These people were barking at me and my friends for assuming the speaker could just walk right in the main entrance and walk right out. Apparently we had to make this next-level map on a napkin.

Amazing isn’t it? Unfortunately the speaker decided to be normal though and opted to walk through the main entrance and walk back out.

Progressive Group

This group of “Muslims” pretty much just come to Islamic conferences so they can cause chaos and write about it on their “Prog Blogs”. The extreme left is just as inane as the extreme right.

What they don’t know is that nobody gives a damn about what Progressives have to say anyway.

Niqaabi

Most niqaabis I wouldn’t second-guess. Anyone covering head-to-toe is the real deal. But the ones at Islamic conferences seem a bit bizarre. Once I was walking by this niqaabi and she said “Assalamu Alaikum” but the problem was her voice was deeper than mine, wore some really nice sneakers and was the size of a basketball player. This “niqaabi” looked at me and gave me a wink. Naturally, I know real niqaabis wouldn’t do this so I made the following conclusion:

Gross.

Although judging by these bizarre Stalkers and Scary Aunties, it’s no surprise why some folks decide to go all out. Too many horndogs amongst us.

Stalkers

Ever notice in the corner of your eye someone who is watching you? Ever get the chilly feeling that this person always seems to be there whenever you turn your head? That’s because its true… it means you have a stalker.

Fear not. Stalkers for the most part don’t have the guts to say anything to you. They just watch from afar and admire you and dream of one day of meeting you. You might find the brave stalker who will say “Assalamu Alaikum” but it would probably just be a normal Salam. Unless the stalker WINKS while saying it. And lick his/her lips. Then you know you got the real deal. If that’s the case run like hell.

Scary Aunties

Similar to Stalkers by nature, only rather than the marriage-deprived guys/girls doing the stalking, its the mother looking for a new addition to the family.

Scary Auntie: Excuse me girl… how are you?
Girl: Um fine.
Scary Auntie: mashAllah great. So what do you do?
Girl: I umm in university
Scary Auntie: mashAllah you have fair skin.
Girl: Well I am a convert and…
Scary Auntie: My son is in med school, mashAllah.
Girl: I have to go…
Scary Auntie: mashAllah.

Later on you might be flipping through one of those Islamic convention magazines and find your phone number somehow (mysteriously) listed in the matrimonial section. I wonder…

Lobbyists

Probably the most annoying of the bunch are the Lobbyists also called “desperate losers”. As soon as the last session ends, out comes the shady folk (who didn’t attend a single session all conference) to “get-to-know” one another. Hijabi one minute … off with the hijab the next. Beardo one minute … off with the beard the next. Awrah covered one minute … off with the pants the next. The list goes on.

Things to do to screw up Lobbyist meet-up plans:

Anti-Lobbyists

If there is anyone more annoying than Lobbyists it would have be the Anti-Lobbyists. These individuals make it sound like the entire Islamic conference is a giant Fitna Factory when in reality its only an extremely small fraction. They also think ANY sort of intergender talking is shady.

Guy: So … did you like the session?
Girl: Yeah… heehee. It was really good.
Anti-Lobbyist: ASTAGFIRULLAH STOP TALKING ASTAGFIRULLAH
Girl: Why?
Anti-Lobbyist: ASTAGFIRULLAH DON’T YOU KNOW THE FIQH OF TALKING TO THE OPPOSITE GENDER?? ASTAGFIRULLAH
Guy: But she’s my sister.
Anti-Lobbyist: ASTAGFIR-… oh. Carry on.

These people are annoying and will try to get you stop coming to Islamic conferences altogether. They don’t really have a solution to the Lobbyist problem… they just complain like broken records. They just complain like broken records. They just complain like broken records.

Others will try to make anti-[name of Islamic convention here] shirts in order to be cool and controversial. Here’s a flash for you joy-boy: you’re not cool nor controversial nor funny. Stop ruining the conference for the masses and stop trying to be some stupid Islamic daredevil… suck it up and enjoy the conference.

Las Vegas – An eccentric Muslim man from Carson City bargained more than he asked for last Thursday. Aabid Yusuf, 37, found his stay at Grapevine Casino to be less than pleasant.

“I went to the Casino to do some dawah of course because people there are oh so Haram.” said Yusuf. “I figured this would be a prime spot to spread the religion of Islam.”

Although Yusuf just recently got into the Dawah gig, he took tips from many prominent Muslim leaders. “They told me to pass out these one minute messages where all the Islamic information is written on a brochure and I just hand them out. It’s great because I hate talking and people just read it on their own. Best one minute of their lives I bet.”

Casino patrons disliked Yusuf’s tactics however. Sylvia Lopez, a local resident, was disgusted. “I said I didn’t want to take anything and he insisted that I would go to hell if I didn’t read it. When I kept refusing he started mumbling something about Kafirs and Jihad or something”

Other casino goers didn’t mind. “I like to read books in the washroom”, said Andrew Smith, “and I need bookmarks. Thank God I bumped into this guy handing out all these bookmark things.”

Mr. Yusuf caught wind of people abusing his brochures however and decided to change his tactics. “Well it was time for prayer anyway so I stood on the craps table and started giving the call to prayer (athaan). People got angry but hey, when a man has to pray a man has to pray.” Eyewitnesses report that Mr. Yusuf could only find a spot to pray between two slot machines.

Yusuf’s shenanigans did not go unnoticed by Casino security who asked him to politely leave unless he participates in one of the games. Yusuf took the bait. “Hey… if I could convert ten people by tonight by doing a “little” bit of Haram them it would all worth it.”

Unfortunately for Aabid, the one quarter he put into the slots machine turned into ten quarters and before you knew it, he was there until 3AM. Yusuf notes, “I almost got three cherries. Cherries mean more money and more money means more zakat. All this is going for a good cause I swear.”

By the end of the night, Aabid Yusuf spent his entire Imam-training money on the slot machines. It was reported that he got into a fight with the casino management saying he wanted his money back because “betting was Haram” and that “the machine was rigged”. In response, the management banned him from the casino.

Since then, Mr. Yusuf has been seen performing more rigorous dawah exercises in bars and strip clubs.

Although I enjoy making fun of girls on this site, guys are guiltier with much grander things. For every giggle or ‘teehee’ a boppy Muslim girl does, a sleazy Muslim guy macks on about two or three girls (at the same time). Think all guys are innocent? Think again. Uh-oh I hear the fatwa police.

“Haraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaam!!!”

For once I might have to agree with my fatwa bandit friends. There are many Muslim guys out there who try their hardest to put their “game” on to impress the ladies. The silly part about all this is that the guilty party claims to be religious and they have a perfectly justifiable reason for all of this … or so it seems.

“You see brother, since we can’t date we have to at least try to ‘learn’ what the female is like so on marriage day we know how they think.”

This is the #1 justification for every Muslim male on the planet to get chummy with girls. Well more than chummy actually. E-dating… where you first exchange your life stories and pics then move onto feelings and thoughts about one another and become almost lovers when all of a sudden the guy backs off and says “no sister we are just brothers and sisters in Islam… nothing more… teehee.”

I’m sorry brothers but let’s face it… you can talk to 100 women before marriage and think you “mastered the girl situation” but as soon as that Nikkah contract is signed, you’ll soon realize that the “experience” you received from e-dating those 100 Muslim girls in the past was useless. Why? Because girls are unsolvable. Period. Ever stop and wonder why they made the Riddler from the Batman comics to be a male? It’s because if the Riddler was a female then Batman would NEVER be able to solve any of her riddles. The Riddleress would be victorious and that would be the end of Batman forever.

Girls are a riddle wrapped in an enigma wrapped in another riddle, sugar-coated with mystery, enfolded into a puzzle while finally encased in a conundrum. Save your time and internet bills and start fresh with your future spouse.

The whole marriage process done the Islamic way is ample enough time to get to know your potential spouse. No need to instant message each other 4 years before the big day to “get acquainted”. I’d get bored if I already knew everything about my wife after (or before) the Nikkah, wouldn’t you?

“You see brother, she is my cousin so no need to worry. Hijab in front of me? NONSENSE.” I’m sorry if this grosses you ethnocentric fools out but opposite-gender cousins should be treated the same way we treat anyone else from the opposite gender (that is assuming you aren’t loosey-goosey and play patty-cake with everyone from the opposite gender). I personally prefer it if people marry OUTSIDE their family. Too many cousin-marriages will lead into quite the amplification of hereditary diseases and I’m sure the kids from the cousin-marriage will be scarred for life when they have to make a complete family tree for a school project. “But Abdullah,” said Mrs. Elffab, “why does your family tree have interconnecting branches? It looks more like a family bush. Hey… waita minute.” Poor Abdullah wasn’t the same again…

Although the advantages of marrying cousins are there as well (cheaper wedding card invites because EVERYONE is family … divorcing a cousin isn’t rough because hey… “you’re still cousins”).

Sorry for going incredibly off topic but I think my message is clear: your son/daughter/niece/nephew will have a tough time if you marry a cousin. That doesn’t mean you can get all fancy-prancy around them either.

Converting via dawah? Sure… $3.
Converting via Valentine’s presents? Errrr… $9.
Converting via back massages? Uhhhh… $15.
Converting via secretly-making-out-in-a-dark-hallway-of-a-library-hoping-nobody-would-see-them-but was-caught-by-yours-truly? Priceless. I’m out of 70 excuses.

I don’t get too much “hate” mail. If people have a problem with the site they would e-mail me with class and I like classy e-mails. Unfortunately you get the occasional dumbo who posts with emotion or nonsense rather than thought. I think we’re all guilty of it at times but I decided to show people what bad adaab really looks like. I have removed the names to avoid backbiting and made them “generally dumb e-mails”.

No one is perfect you say? Actually, Prophet Muhammad (SAW) is. Ohhhhhh. Got you there. A perfect example of a Muslim he is.

I’m “Sorey” you “Sore” my site in that light. I’ve been called sexist, racist, Zionist and any other kind of “ist” you can think of so I’m getting pretty used to people throwing prejudice tags on me. I don’t pick on a particular group. I make fun of everyone equally. Naturally some sisters reading that are probably flailing their arms in resentment and tightening their hijabs and/or niqabs and/or ponytail.

Yes I make fun of sisters a lot on this site but brothers do dumb things too… just in different ways. All in due time. In the mean-time, I’ll stop making fun of sisters if they stop giving me material and so far I don’t see any stoppage of material anytime soon.

I excluded his last paragraph but his last line asked for forgiveness to Allah (SWT) on my behalf and wished for me to go to Paradise. I think that’s a good gesture. Awwww.

Actually, the biggest mockery to Islam are unintelligent Muslims who have not mastered the ability of “keyboarding”. Bad keyboarding is a Bad Dawah Tactic. If I was on brink of converting to Islam and I saw someone type something like “HeY JoHNny, WhAt woUld YoU LiKE 2 KnOW AbOUt IsLAm?”, I’d scream and convert to Rastafarianism or something. Doesn’t it require MORE effort to capitalize every other letter? I’m sure if the shift key was able to convery its feelings, it would tell you that it does not like being pressed up and down after every letter. How would you feel like being pushed up and down by a giant finger after every syllable you speak? I thought so. Either type in all lower cases like a lazy bum, all CAPITAL LETTERS like a screaming khateeb or do something that most of the literate world should do: write properly. We didn’t attend 16 years worth of school to write like monkeys.

I agreed with the ending though: my ammi is indeed not a bathroom.

Sometimes I laugh at you, sometimes I wonder who your English teacher is and wonder why they bothered to pass you because you have not grasped the concept that “s” and “z” are two different letters. Back to Kindergarten for you.

*yawn*. E-mails like this cheer me up. If a bed of roses could be in e-mail form then make no mistake: it would look like this. I would like to thank the Academy. And don’t call me buddy if you aren’t my friend. Is that a way of easing the pain before telling a person off?@ the workplace.

@ the home.

@ the uhhh…

Wasalam,
Since waisting isn’t a real word, I’ll make up my own definition.waist-ing
1. To use, consume, spend, or expend efficiently and meticulously.So to re-write your e-mail with the above definition I’d get:

Salamualaikum, you are using, consuming, spending or expending your time in the most efficient and meticulous way possible. Thank you and I love you and *giggle* *blush*
-brother

Damn you caught me. Yes, my site is loaded with Masonic texts and if you take the amount of letters in my name (6), multiply it by the amount of hours it took you to write that e-mail (4), mutliply by the amount of sale on sneakers at Wal-Mart (50%), divide by 4 (I like that number) and you’ll get a number that probably means something incredibly evil in Masonic texts … just like every other number. Also if you stare closely at the Maniac Muslim logo, you’ll see several symbols for the numbers 13, 2, 123, -1 and 3.14159 … all incredibly evil stuff. Anyway, your e-mail makes no sense and by calling me a non-Muslim you’re really screwing up your chances on the Day of Judgment. Imagine having all the right stuff to go to Heaven then you realize it’s all gone to flush because you judged somebody’s iman and played the role of Allah (SWT) on earth? Man if that isn’t the biggest eternal bummer in the world, then I don’t know what is.

We are all ambassadors to Islam. The way we spread Islam can have a big impact on our non-Muslim friends. We can either spread it in a subtle way or by going the whole nine yards. However, the following are things we should stop doing while giving out dawah. Yeeeech.

The Horrendous Vocab

Do research on your audience. This is terrible:

Non-Muslim Female: Hi there… I’m Tiffany. I’m interested in Islam… *reaches out to shake hand*
Fanatical Muslim: I don’t shake hands with kafir scum. Especially kafir girls. Actually girls in general. Astagfirullah.
Non-Muslim Female: But –
Fanatical Muslim: Illicit touching is of the kufaar. I pray that the kufaar will burn in hell and all the kufaar females become eradicated before they whore themselves to innocent Muslim males.
Non-Muslim: Uh…
Fanatical Muslim: Now what is it you wanted to know about Islam?
*Non-Muslim runs off crying*

Courtesy and manners is key. Unfortunately the so-called learned people seem to lack it nowadays though.

The Haram Factor

In Islam, nearly everything is Halal until proven otherwise. It’s sad to see people make it appear the opposite.

Non-Muslim: Okay I’m ready to be a Muslim. I’ll join up. What do I have to do?
Muslim: No pork. No alcohol. No sex before marriage. No interest (mortgages etc). No gayness.
Non-Muslim: But…
Muslim: Shut up. Now hurry up and convert so you can dump your kafir boyfriend and get married to me so I can impress my friends that I married a convert.
*Non-Muslim runs off crying*

The Blame Game

So here I am, chatting it up with this other Muslim brother after Juma when he gives me this smackdown of a tidbit.

Random Muslim brother: Yeah so I applied to McDonalds right…
Hamzah: That’s nice. *rolls eyes*
Random Muslim brother: I know but get this… they DECLINED me.
Hamzah: You must be TOO talented for them. *rolls eyes*
Random Muslim brother: Yo, listen! I think they saw my name on my resumé and noticed that I was Muslim and threw it out.
Hamzah: You’re on to something. *rolls eyes*
Random Muslim brother: Yo man this kufaar society is against us man. I hate them all.
Hamzah: Rolls eyes. *rolls eyes*

After 9/11, the spotlight was firmly on Muslims. However, being famous doesn’t always have its upsides. When the spotlight is on you then people start talking. That’s probably why celebrity marriages last as long as Ramadan… some people just can’t take the spotlight. Muslims are like the same way. The spotlight is now on us…

Because of September 11th, people start asking us queries about Islam because they think we’re the guilty party. Based on the wonderfully non-biased news and media, it’s our responsibility to clarify what Islam is REALLY about. Peace, tolerance etc. It’s our chance to spread the good stuff. Instead, people blow this opportunity by playing the blame game and making up stupid conspiracy theories.

Here’s what a non-Muslim thinks about September 11th.

Here’s what a bizarre Muslim thinks about September 11th.

Say for example, you’re playing basketball or soccer game and your team loses. The classy people brush it off and reflect on the loss while the sore losers say things like “OMG the referee was biased”, “OMG the net was too small”, “OMG I couldn’t run, my hijab was on too tight” and more stupid excuses. My beef is with people who make crappy excuses and pins the blame on others without educating people about Islam first.

Now I’m not saying to stop believing in this stuff. Some people really dig it and I’m sure there’s some truth in there somewhere. I just think its lame when people blow good dawah opportunities to confuse the hell out of people who think these theories are stupid to begin with. If they think your theory is stupid then they will think Muslims are stupid. Don’t make Muslims look stupid. Shut up with the conspiracy theories. Keep them at the dinner table or movie theatre.

The Moronic Character

Sometimes having a good character is dawah in itself. However it could be the opposite. If you’re a complete jackass then it sorta screws up the perception of Islam now doesn’t it? We need less kafir-cursing, guns-a-blazin’ folk and more likeable characters in our ummah. People of the past were likeable. Why are people so rude today? *runs off crying*

As Muslims, we should be optimisitc by nature. However, I decided to look at the “bad side” of things to see how good things can go bad… or ugly.

The Bad: You didn’t really fulfil that oath.

Unfortunately, a tactic of that pesky Shaitaan is to overburden yourself so you fail your goals and feel depressed. Unfortunately you don’t take the fact that you failed too well…

The Ugly: You just swore. Period.

You let off a flurry of curse words at your failure. Nearly every curse word in the dictionary was uttered. Biggest swear-fest in history.

The Bad: He seems to really, really, really like long prayers.

…unfortunately you have to catch a bus in 5 minutes and the guy you are praying with seems to be practicing Sura Bakarah or something. In fact, you stood there for so long that it doesn’t even seem like the guy is praying.

The Ugly: He isn’t really praying. He’s just standing there with his arms crossed.

Crap. You didn’t realize that the person you just joined is just standing for no reason (albeit in prayer posture) but in actuality he’s just standing there peacefully, staring at the floor.

The Really Ugly: The person you “joined” isn’t even Muslim.

To make it even worse the person you just joined isn’t even Muslim. He’s just awfully confused that some random dude is standing next to him. He later converts to Islam as a result of this encounter.

The Bad: You end up on the front page of next day’s newspaper and you are now on the “must-harass” list at airports. Hippie.

Unfortunately for Muslims, our names are flagged once we do anything too out of the ordinary. I switched my ice cream flavours from mint chocolate chip to vanilla after 9/11 and as a result “they” are tracing all my calls and e-mails. Paranoia at its finest. At airports, the customs people will find dumb reasons to interrogate you and somehow trace you to Osama bin Laden.

The Ugly: The supposedly Islamic anti-war demonstration was really a KKK meeting.

Unfortunately you MapQuested the wrong address and found yourself smackdab in a KKK meeting. You just thought that there were a lot of niqabis out today. At least you have matching outfits.

The Bad: You ask your Islamic queries and questions to Hamzah “Maniac Muslim” Moin because you think he knows stuff.

Unfortunately people feel that a sarcastic, mysterious guy on the internet can answer all their fiqh-related questions. Whenever I get a fiqh related question in the e-mail I reply with: “Shut the fiqh up”.

The Ugly: You propose to Hamzah without ever meeting him and ask for his pic.

Anyone who has seen this site’s guestbook will know about it. I don’t mind marriage proposals but I just ask for the people asking them to finish junior high school first. Coming fresh off of elementary school is quite daunting but hang in there.

The Really Ugly: You aren’t even a girl.

God help us all.

The Bad: You spend three hours getting ready for it and have your clothes picked out three months in advance.

What to wear? What to wear? Although we don’t get excited for proms as much as our non-Muslim amigos, we seem to get a wee-bit too thrilled going to an Islamic convention. Does your kufi match with your thobe? Does your hijab match with your shoes? The answer: nobody cares.

The Ugly: You don’t attend any daytime sessions … just the “after-hour” ones.

To top it all off, some folk don’t even attend the conference and just hang out in hotel lobbies while they put their game on. They exchange AIM Screen-names then it moves on to exchanging hotel room numbers and whatnot. People who do this have one name: losers. I could make a whole article about people like this.

The Bad: It has been the same Masjid board for the last 20 years.

It seems the same ol’ people are in charge of your joint for a very long time. You don’t agree with their views and they seem to be really exclusive. You are not too thrilled about this. You vow to get involved by next elections. But….

The Ugly: You never knew there was an election in the first place.

The weird thing is that the elections seemed really downlow and nobody knew about them. The board claimed they announced they were having an election last Thursday at Maghrib. Unfortunately only 2 people were at Maghrib: an 8-year old boy who is inelligble to vote and his father who for some reason feels that voting is haram anyway.

The Really Ugly: They declare Eid on the opposite day of what it should be.

The entire continent decides to pray Eid on one day but your mosque feels that everyone is wrong and goes on the opposite day out of spite.

The Bad: Your friend is of the opposite gender and you just talk away.

Unfortunately you pick someone from the opposite gender on your buddy system. You start off the conversation with topics like “The importance of Fajr” and “Jinns” then move on to things like “American Idol” or “The sale at the Gap”. Fajr looks bleak.

The Ugly: You miss Fajr and talk until Zuhr.

To make matters worse, you missed the Fajr window and you’re still talking with your “Fajr buddy”. You become more than buddies and fall madly in love. Your parents then see your cell phone bills and you get kicked out of the house. Pick the right Fajr buddy… or ELSE.

Paris – In a stunning move, France’s president Jax Shirack went ahead and banned the country’s most symbolic and prolific breakfast food: the croissant. ”When we said we wanted to ban all religious symbols because we’re the most secular country on earth… we really, really, really meant it” explained Shirack.

In what is quite possibly the country’s most uncanny ban since the religious headgear ban, Shirack went ahead and banned croissants from the country because it resembled the crescent symbol that is attributed to the Muslims. Shirack noted, “If you squint hard enough it looks like the Muslim crescent thingy.”

Last year, the French government banned all forms of religious headgear or expression which included the Muslim hijab, Christian crosses, Jewish skull caps and Sikh turbans. The government feels that croissants are too similar to the Muslim crescent symbol so a ban was necessary.

Some citizens in France feel that the croissant ban is going too far. “I went to the supermarket and all the croissants were gone. I used to eat croissants for breakfast, lunch and dinner” said an anonymous livid citizen.

The French government isn’t finished their work though. Talks of banning mathematics because it promotes addition and multiplication (both with symbols that resemble the Christian cross) which are thought to be too religious for such a secular state. Strong advocate of the religious symbol ban was Jean Paul Pucelle. “I think we are doing a good job of ridding this country from religious evilness. Crime hasn’t decreased or anything yet but I think the country will become safer eventually” Pucelle explained.

Other citizens believe that the ban was ineffective from the very start.

“I think it’s stupid” said another female citizen. “When I got out of the shower and wrapped a towel around my head to let my hair dry, I went outside to go fetch the newspaper. The police saw me and arrested me and now I have a criminal record.”

Shirack remains confident though. “Banning the croissant is only the beginning.”

It takes quite some time to write an article. It takes even longer to think of what to write about. But whenever I get stumped I think of the opposite gender (no, not think OF them but think of topics I can do ABOUT them because they seem to give me an endless supply of arsenal). Marriage is the hottest topic on campus and if it was Halal to bet, I’d bet you a hundred bucks you’ve thought about marriage a few times this past month. If you’re a girl then change “this past month” to “this past hour”.

For some strange reason there is this bizarre stereotype that all sisters think about is marriage. Like it or not, the stereotype is partially true. Sisters of course deny it and even while reading this they’re thinking “Oh my gosh like that is so untrue what an idiot… I so wouldn’t marry someone like him!”. Take innocent Brother-A who after Juma is just innocently tying his shoes outside on an innocent afternoon. A pack of hungry sisters roam nearby.

Sister A - **giggle**
Sister B – Do you think he saw me? LOL
Sister C – No. I wore a bright yellow hijab today so he’d notice me.

Modesty gets flushed down the toilet unfortunately. Flush.

Stop grinning Brothers. We’re not angels either. If anything we’re much worse. At least sisters just giggle and gossip amongst themselves. The worst they get is to spread rumours about “so-and-so” loving “so-and-so” around campus. That’s cute. But Brothers man, there’s certain situations where I just grimace in pain and get ashamed that I have a Y Chromosome.

For example, if you’re really anxious to get married you shouldn’t make a list of “potentials”. Make sure you don’t have that list in your school binder. Also make sure you don’t forget about this list and let a sister borrow your notes. In addition, make sure that sister isn’t on your “potentials” list. That could lead to years of turmoil and embarrassment and will cause you to write articles such as this one to let out the frustration.

Another thing brothers are terrible at is the approach. If you have strong feelings for a sister, the most Halal thing to do is to marry her. Unfortunately, many people neglect to mention this part and just cut to the chase. Take Brother-B and random Sister at an Islamic conference.

“Assalamu Alaikum sister, do you have a minute?”
“Ummmm okay.”
“In Islam, if we are to love someone of the opposite gender for the sake of Allah then we should marry one another. If I do not marry you I am sinning.”
Random sister runs away. Brother-B does not give up.
“No… wait! I do announcements at Juma! I’m a good Muslim! Honest!”

But this isn’t as bad as other Brothers. Some brothers go by the motto, “if you throw a thousand darts in the air one will hit the target”. Brothers who adopt this strategy tend to print their bio-data on business cards and give them to random sisters at Islamic events. Once I was wearing a hoodie and a brother mistook me for a hijabi and gave me his card. I was so flattered that I blushed like a tomato and giggled like Tickle-Me-Elmo. I declined his offer.

So how does one propose to cure this marriage fever that is so rampant on campus nowadays? If you’re a sister then try to avoid any talks that have anything to do with “Brothers C, D and E”. If you catch your friend talking about Brother D then she has to buy everyone lunch or carry their schoolbags for the day or something. Or for a crazy twist you ban her from talking. This will ensure nobody brings up this topic.

For a guy, let’s stick to our usual topics: useless stuff. If a brother brings up marriage then he has to do a few push-ups in front of everyone. The fever will die if everyone stops talking about it.

Figuring out the opposite gender takes 90% of your brain power. If we concentrate on our books instead of “who is good marriage material” then we can get some decent grades to impress the future in-laws right? Of course. Books before looks.

Things were great when people believed cooties were real. If anything I think it’s the most Islamic approach to handling the opposite gender. Sisters, imagine seeing a marriage prospect walking down the hall. If you want to avoid this awkward situation you just shout: “EWWWW THAT BROTHER HAS COOTIES” and you run down the hall, flailing your arms in the air. Brothers, I’d tell you to imagine this situation but some of us already do it in real life.

In summary, believe in cooties. They are real.

What was once a popular video game in the Muslim community is shockingly now collecting dust. Iman Games, a new video game developer founded by Muslims, developed a simulation game for all platforms a few months ago about the Muslim Salaat (prayer). The game entitled Prayer Rules was released to surprisingly good reviews.

“This is probably the greatest game I ever played” said non-Islam video game reviewer Thomas Aquinas. “The graphics are spectacular and the game really gives a deep insight on how to pray the Muslim way. I’m going to convert to Islam now.”

The premise for the game is simple: pray. One has to play the game five different times throughout the course of the day (sunrise, noon, late afternoon, sunset and night). If one misses prayers in the game he or she will lose points. One also loses points if he/she prays the WRONG way. “We wanted fiqh (rules) to be an important aspect of the gameplay. If one doesn’t know their fiqh, they will essentially lose this game.” said developer Tarek Fatiha.

Prayer Rules also boasts some of the hottest graphics on the market and has additional fun-filled features:

Rigorous congregational action.

Things aren’t all rosy. Many Muslims who once played the game enthusiastically are beginning to disregard the game altogether.

“I keep saying to myself, ‘I’ll play later’, ‘I’ll play later’ then I just miss out and lose even more points” said Riad Foojie. “This game is the hardest thing in the world.”

One can also lose points if he/she prays too fast. Foojie comments, “One time I was in a hurry and prayed Isha in 15 seconds. The next thing I know is the game is making fun of me by showing a picture of a race car with a picture of my prayer simulation and the words ‘VROOOOOM!’ beneath it”

There are other complaints in the Muslim community as well. “I tried praying based on my own logical reasoning for fiqh and the game STILL says I’m praying wrong. Why can’t I just pray and pick and choose Hadith based on the ’strongest’ ruling?” said a disgruntled Salah Fideen.

The game is under scrutiny from the other end of the spectrum as well. Liberal Muslim leader Assef Nahmed is insulted that female gamers are unable to lead mixed prayers in the game. Iman Games responds that they polled all 650,000,000 Muslim women on the planet and saw that there were only 4 Muslim women complaining about this feature… all 4 were writers for a popular Liberal website called MuslimSnooze.

“We felt that we didn’t want to add a feature just for the 4 people who have little to no knowledge about Islamic history or fiqh” said developer Tarek Fatiha.

Despite the scrutiny and seemingly sexist perception of the game, the game continues to fly off of the shelves appealing to both males and females and many non-Muslims convert to Islam as a result.