Sometimes you hear about an event it seems so awesome you have to go because everyone else is going and the marketing seems clever. OR IS IT? Sometimes over-marketing a product can get on people’s nerves and cause massive boycotts or whatever. Muslims love boycotting things so you better watch out if you’re organizing an event. Here are some things to watch out for:
E-mail Blitz
You ever wonder what sort of heinous crime you may have accidentally done to a friend where you are punished with pointless e-mails upon even more pointless e-mails? Did I forget to say “Yarhamukallah” when he sneezed ? Did I stick a hijab pin too deep in her hijab? Surely I must have done SOMETHING to be added to this e-mail list where there is no unsubscribe button. Dammit. The best thing I can do is quarantine all the pesky ads into one folder… like this:
If you send more than five non-work related e-mails a day then please go through this list:
1) Do people actually care? Everyone on your list must know about the mildew growing in the Brother’s Wudu Area. It’s THAT important.
2) can i readz it w/o half-in 2 take 10 hrs to trsn-L8 1 frikn sen10ce? It’s a lot of fun and reminds me of Bumper Stumpers.
3) Is it recent? E-mailing me about events that happened three years ago is awesome because I have the memory of a goldfish.
4) Does the subject line begin with something other than FWD? Because I like receiving e-mail that have no originality or thought put into it.
5) Is it attachment free? One thing that I enjoy is receiving attachments of flyers that fill up my entire inbox’s capacity. Thank you.
If the answer is no to any of these questions then you aren’t doing a good job of annoying your friends with e-mails they would never read. Keep trying!
“Subtle” Juma Messages
Sometimes you go to Juma to get awesome reminders about Islam or whatever. Sometimes you might be really engrossed in a khutbah but the reminder somehow changes course and the khateeb starts spewing out an abrupt advertisement for an unrelated event or product.
“Brothers and sisters you must take heed as the Dajjal is coming soon and there will be a lot of fitna in this world. We must remain vigilant and stand firm with the Qur’an and Sunnah. By the way tomorrow is Muslim Day at Six Flags Amusement Park so whoever wants to hit up Scooby Doo’s Fun Coaster with me then holler.”
Our khateebs could be like NASCAR drivers soon with and have every khutbah sponsored by something. I’d love it if my khateeb was sponsored by Halal Rice Krispies Squares or Zum-Zum Water. It’d be very refreshing.
Frequent Flyers (Miles)
Sometimes leaving Juma is a mission. Having to tip-toe past the people praying extra nafl prayers is tough because they get in your way and are always the ones blocking the exit. The other people you have to sneak around are the poor flyer distributers. For some reason, someone suckered the Frequent Flyers into giving out these lovely leaflets after Juma and they didn’t have the gulab jamuns to say no.
For starters, I can’t stand keeping flyers around the house just because some schmuck decided to write Bismillah in Arabic on the flyer thus making it “trash-proof”. Some flyers I can understand, but Halal Hot Dogs shouldn’t have that.
Let me make something else clear to Islamic organizations: you don’t have to print out 20,000 flyers to an event that only 100 people will show up to. Nobody reads the flyers and the environment gets completely owned. We’re supposed to be tree-huggers! I think. Muslims should be hippies without the weed.
Here’s the process of the average flyer for a Muslim event:
Less flyers = less sad trees.
Haggler
By far the most annoying form of marketing is the face-to-face kind. Usually it’s the most effective. After all, when a buddy recommends something to you then you obviously listen.
You stop listening when your buddy doesn’t shut up.
“Hey bro you coming to the seminar this weekend?”
“Naw man”
“WHY NOT? OH MY GOD EVERYONE IS GOING TO BE THERE. THE ENTIRE WORLD.”
“Maybe next time inshAllah?”
“You might be dead next time I see you so keep that in mind.”
Morbid isn’t it? And even when you have a valid excuse they might turn around with some go-to replies.
“Dude, seminar is tomorrow. Can’t wait. You reaching?
“Well my wife is pregnant and is expected any minute and I think I need to be at her side and-“
“GIVE YOUR EXCUSES A WEDGIE MAN. I DON’T WANT TO HEAR IT. ”
“I uhh, what?”
“Bring your wife too. Your baby should pop out in a seminar filled with haqq. That’s how I came into this world mashAllah.”
That sort of explains a lot actually.
Facebook Spam
What I like about Facebook is that I get really excited when I get new messages. It usually means I’m important. I’m a nice guy though and I like supporting groups or events that are for a good cause. What I don’t like is getting inboxes filled with this crap:
More isn’t always better. Unless the conference is giving away free ice cream as a promotion.
Damn, that’s actually a pretty good idea.
July 4th, 2008 at 12:33 am
hey this was funny
haha i read it because it was on your facebook status.
July 4th, 2008 at 12:37 am
Bismillaah
My first time here and i am already loving it your work! They are funny, speaks the reality and gives me points to think and ponder upon too. Absolutely refreshing. Keep ‘em coming brother. Salaams, Sis Zabrina
July 4th, 2008 at 1:09 am
Asalamualaikum bro,
I kid. Inshallah you will find time.
lol yeah I sorta just clicked on your facebook status. But I’ve been waiting forever for you to write a new article ! ! I know you’re busy , but get to work dude !
July 4th, 2008 at 1:20 am
This is exactly the sort of stuff people have been waiting for. Hamzah, I hope you stick to your original style of humor. Great stuff.
July 4th, 2008 at 1:54 am
For starters, I can’t stand keeping flyers around the house just because some schmuck decided to write Bismillah in Arabic on the flyer thus making it “trash-proof”. Some flyers I can understand, but Halal Hot Dogs shouldn’t have that.
THANK YOU!
July 4th, 2008 at 2:29 am
lol … Hamzah, I think I know what you’re referring to as per our first conversation about this a little while ago, haha.
July 4th, 2008 at 2:40 am
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July 4th, 2008 at 3:24 am
Thank You ! I can’t thank you enough ! Unless you’ve an Asprin.
You’ve touched upon one of the 100 things that most annoy the J. Man in his life list.
I reckon this article is meant to be funny, but I’ve a splitting headache !
Good Night H. Man !
July 4th, 2008 at 4:00 am
CRAZY!:)
July 4th, 2008 at 4:08 am
LOL that was real funny!! I loved it! hahah “thta’s how I came to this world mashaALLAH”…hahah classic!
July 4th, 2008 at 5:30 am
“Muslims should be hippies without the weed” I couldn’t agree with you more.”u r kinda cute n sorta perfect for a husband” lol, do girls actually write that trash,ahaha
July 4th, 2008 at 12:40 pm
“Our khateebs could be like NASCAR drivers soon” lol great idea - we could have halftime shows in between the 2 khutbas too, maybe invite celebrities, fireworks, u know? and finally someone explains why my birth certificate says “metro convention centre south” under location..
July 4th, 2008 at 1:50 pm
absolute gold.
You da man
July 4th, 2008 at 1:50 pm
I hope it works out for you and Tasnim
July 4th, 2008 at 4:31 pm
i can never look at gulab jamuns the same way again.
July 4th, 2008 at 10:55 pm
Is it bad to have that sinking feeling in your stomach when you get invite after invite after invite to events that promise you will be a better/stronger/purer Muslim when all you want to do is get takeout, go home and watch Gossip Girl?
July 5th, 2008 at 3:51 am
There is no need to be so frivolous and critical for an Islamc event that increases the eman and strength of a Muslim. Rather, it should be supported and helped in its endeavors. I once considered your articles beneficial for Muslims, I hope you put this article aside, and continue that trend in the future, with the permission of Allah.
July 5th, 2008 at 4:29 am
lol finally a good summary of my inbox life story
i wonder if a specific recent event triggered this article..?
keep it coming
Souzan
July 5th, 2008 at 5:25 am
So, I think my favorite part is the “Wet Hijab Contest” flyer that’s used in th “Life-Span of Average Muslim Event Flyer” picture. Sly!
July 5th, 2008 at 5:26 am
Oh wait. I forgot the “e” after my “th”. So unprofessional.
July 5th, 2008 at 5:43 am
Ok this one was much funnier.
July 5th, 2008 at 6:27 pm
hahaha, good stuff !! keep up the good work. p.s. facebook reference was MONEY.
July 5th, 2008 at 7:03 pm
This is so true! I’m so glad this article was created.. now I dont feel so bad 4 hating the masses of Islam-related emails I get filling up my inbox, because I’m not the only one who gets annoyed!! lol =P
July 5th, 2008 at 11:07 pm
If so many of us understand the absurdity in certain ways of promoting religion, then why do masses of people still do it, I wonder…
Hamzah, your articles are always funny and (sort of) educational. Keep them coming! And thanks for the laughs.
July 6th, 2008 at 3:29 am
Ahahaha, I completely agree with the facebook spamming. Currently, I am facing the same problen and am getting /so/ ticked off by the same groups/events spamming my facebook message inbox! Argh! /Less/ is more.
July 6th, 2008 at 5:46 am
july 11 and 12…be there!!!
July 7th, 2008 at 1:50 am
I would have enough gulab jamuns to say no! lol
July 7th, 2008 at 9:48 pm
Salams,
Bladder-busting humor. Too classic. Too original. Too good.
Props to you bruh; Keep it up.
Best,
zG
Wassalam.
July 8th, 2008 at 2:04 am
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July 8th, 2008 at 3:21 am
haha, this is true. I’ve just been questioned over & over by so many people on facebook if I was going to attend a muslim youth formal dinner! but not as incessant as your facebook example.
LOL at Tasneem’s message. :)))) nice touch! (or is it for real? )
July 8th, 2008 at 4:50 pm
“…they didn’t have the gulab jamuns to say no.”
Omigod that is hilarious!!! I’m going to use that phrase now!
July 10th, 2008 at 3:55 pm
LOL that was hilarious… may Allah reward you.
July 10th, 2008 at 7:53 pm
LOLLL.. my personal fav being the folders… for email blitz ahahaha.. girls who rejected me, potential cha chings.. omg ur hillarious!!!
July 15th, 2008 at 7:51 pm
Hahaha. Give your excuses a wedgie! hahahahahah
July 17th, 2008 at 2:43 am
I like the reference about “Gulab Jamuns” man you crack me up
July 25th, 2008 at 5:35 am
Assalaamoalaikum brother,
It’s a nice post. Jazaak Allah khair for enlightening me. May Allah reward you Ameen
July 26th, 2008 at 9:43 pm
Do you twirl like a dervish yet? lol
July 26th, 2008 at 10:35 pm
Twirling Dervish: No I don’t. How is that relevant to anything?
July 28th, 2008 at 3:57 pm
One of THE BEST, seriously. xD
Masha Allah, keep crankin’ em out!
July 28th, 2008 at 11:12 pm
LOL! This site is so funny, because it’s all so true. Especially this article.
August 5th, 2008 at 1:17 am
“u r kinda cute n sorta funnie. perfect 4 a husband ;)” your were right about the facebook thing. you meet new people that you can flirt with.lol.
August 5th, 2008 at 5:44 am
lol “tentative speakers confirmed” and “we have a list of 100 speakers, most cant make it though” lol so silly
August 6th, 2008 at 6:12 pm
Fun article, cracked me up
JazakAllah…
August 13th, 2008 at 1:05 pm
true!!
August 19th, 2008 at 8:04 pm
This was good!!
August 20th, 2008 at 5:13 am
A tad harsh I’d say.
August 23rd, 2008 at 12:46 am
lol i was rolling on the ground by the time i came down to ‘u r kinda cute…’. i dont know if anyone else did but i actually took the pain to search for ‘tasnim siddiqui’ in facebook. just as i guessed, she has no friends! must be another one of MM jokes. great one! don’t worry hamza, i don’t have my eyes on tasnim siddiqui, u alone can have her waly’s number lol.
HOW do u come up with these? seriously, how?!! is this the exam week of ur uni?
ps. why so many allusions to desperate girls in ur recent pieces? r they really troubling u or r u trying to set examples of desperation and encourage other innocent sisters into desperation by pointing out ur cuteness and/or/nor fun-ness? (sorry, could not resist asking!)
best wishes from down under
August 23rd, 2008 at 4:00 pm
haha nice .. i actually read this article because of an advertisement in facebok from someone you know
August 23rd, 2008 at 7:51 pm
LMAO! at the girls who rejected me haha. ur articles always make me laugh