TweetWritten by: Hamzah Moin What do older retired masjid uncles and your distant relatives have …
Have you ever wanted to start off Ramadan with a bang only to fizzle out in the middle of the 2nd rakat during the first night of Taraweeh? Of course you have but fear not! I cracked the Ramadan Code and assembled 5 tips to make your Ramadan super bodacious.
The Overly Dramatic Social Media Exit
Best way to start the Holy Month is to declare to the world that you’re serious about the Ramadan thing. Rather than disabling your Facebook, Twitter or Instagram accounts discreetly like some schmuck, one should always strive to announce their intentions for the whole world to see as you’ll appear much more authentic.
In fact, why stop at Ramadan? This is the perfect opportunity to just go cold turkey, forever.
You do need to see how many likes, retweets, favourites, and “No! Please don’t go!” comments you got. If you didn’t get the result you wanted, post another quit message. Repeat every week until you’ve been unfriended by everyone on your list. 100% effective.
Sometimes we get urges to re-watch some Game of Thrones. Or we need to destroy half our brain cells by watching a movie directed by the esteemed Michael Bay. Perhaps we need to destroy the other half of our brain cells by listening to a lyrically intricate song by Katy Perry before Shaytan is locked away for good?
Sounds like you need to start multi-tasking.
This also works for the bigger sins that you’ll feel guilty about doing throughout Ramadan. You should try swearing on top of your lungs while gallivanting nude in public as a bond accumulates interest in your account. But try not to die as you simultaneously do those things because that’d be a terrible way to go.
Before you ask, yes. You can definitely go back to your terrible habits after the month is over. Obviously.
Condescendingly Judge Those Who Pray Less Than You
Hahaha! Look at all these people showing up to the mosque like it’s their first time here. This could be their first real interaction with the Muslim community. Such noobies.
It’s best to tell them right to their faces that they are “Ramadan Muslims” which they will of course laugh at hysterically.
Oh, oh! Are people really leaving after 8 rakats of Taraweeh? Losers. You should think about how much of a better Muslim you are in subsequent rakats.
Ambitious Workout Goals
Ramadan is also a great time to shed some of that body fat and that should be one of your primary intentions. To look good for your spouse or non-existent-but-insha’Allah spouse by the end of the month of course.
Everyone on my Facebook friends list is apparently a certified health expert and I trust their advice. When I asked them about the best time to workout in Ramadan some said right before you break for iftar. Others said right after iftar. I also heard before sahoor, after sahoor, before Ramadan and after Ramadan.
All these people have good advice but they’re more wrong than right since none of them are me, a certified health expert. I know first-hand based off my own research of a dream I once had that you should be constantly working out around the clock, especially when you’re fasting. Pregnant women and children, I’m especially talking to you.
If you’re feeling heat exhaustion and making excuses like “I think I’m dying” or “No seriously, I think fasting and working out while the sun is at its zenith is a bad idea” or “Can someone call an ambulance?” is just the ravings of a quitter.
It’s not just in fitness where you should shoot for the sky…
Ambitious Spiritual Goals
Did you set some realistic Ramadan goals? Are you able to achieve them? Yes? Then you didn’t aim high enough.
Instead of focusing on consistent, sustainable goals that could keep your level of worship sustained throughout the month, you should instead try to set overly complicated milestones. If you can’t live up to your dreams, then you need to keep sleeping.
20 rakats of Taraweeh a night? Try 100.
Want to finish the entire Qur’an in a month? Why not finish it daily?
If you fail, then at least you can always make a glorious comeback on Facebook.