TweetWritten by: Hamzah Moin In a stunning turn of events, a cell phone erupted in …
Uh oh. Halloween is around the corner. That means within Muslim communities, talks of jinn stuff increases.
For those who don’t know what jinns are: they’re basically the other thing God created alongside humans. They’re invisible and they can see us whilst we can’t see them… so they are prime targets of spooky stories.
Since we can’t see jinns, we blame them for all our problems. We blame them when our car keys go missing, or when that leftover cake your wife wanted goes missing or when the sibling that was bugging you goes missing. Jinns make great scapegoats.
Sometimes parents would use jinns as a discipline technique like “You better clean this room or else the jinn will come” and that would naturally terrify and probably cause some major anxiety issues with children. Some parents would take it a step further and show some of their tech-savvy kids that they had the jinn on speed dial and could summon them at the push of a button. I think it’s borderline blasphemous but hey, I had never seen kids tidy up so fast.
Unfortunately, jinn-abuse is now a reality because of this. They are now being capitalized by society:
Like toy stores:
And Hollywood (this is an actual movie that was released in theatres):
But by far the worst jinn-abuse is in the hands of Muslims with our insane theories.
“We can turn into jinns”
Yes, there are people who ask this (albeit without question marks):
Facebook now gives us an option in the gender field to choose something other than male or female.
Similarly, I can foresee Facebook allowing something other than humans to join Facebook and we’d be forced to pick between the human and jinn fields.
Though we already have a hard time with humans creeping on our pics… imagine if you throw jinns into that mix? Like how creepy would it be if a jinn likes your profile picture? What would THAT mean?
I reached out to Facebook and asked if they can prevent jinns from joining Facebook. They haven’t gotten back to me yet.
“We can marry jinns”
You know someone is having a hard time finding a spouse when they ask this question:
I’m sure there are a lot of decent single Muslims out there still but no, someones already seeking a spouse outside the human race.
Some things to consider before marrying a jinn:
– You’re going to have a jinn mother-in-law
– The wedding is probably going to be very weird
– You’re essentially insulting anyone you previously considered or rejected. “Seriously, he took a jinn over me?”
Have some decency. Marry a human.
“Dinosaurs are jinns”
The one question that plagues every Q&A session at conferences, every halaqas on finance and every watercooler discussion at work: what’s the deal with dinosaurs?
For whatever reason this is wracking the brains of a lot of Muslims. Some believe it’s some sort of crazy conspiracy put out by all the archeologists in the world so they can justify having a job. Others don’t believe they’re real and these fossils were put together by accident.
Some go a step further and believe every single dinosaur in history: from the Triassic to the Jurassic to the Cretaceous… every single one of these dinosaurs were actually jinns.
This theory has now wrecked one of my favourite movies. I mean seriously, do people actually think that you could take blood from mosquitos frozen in ambers from millions of years ago and combine them with amphibian DNA and get this?
“Aliens are jinns”
This is another classic example of explaining away things by slapping the jinn label on it.
I then went to that website and found that it was a teeny-bit obsessed with linking jinns with UFOs. It was a little bit weird:
Hang on… jinns can CREATE UFOs? That explains everything.
Next time you watch Independence Day, just know that all that destruction was caused by those pesky jinns and their ability to create UFOs.
And what’s their beef with cows? Sounds like if we show them how much fun cow-tipping is they’d probably mutilate the cattle a bit less.
“Barack Obama is influenced by jinns”
Obamacare. Drones. Attacking ISIS. What is influencing President Obama’s domestic decisions and foreign policy? Well…
That’s right folks. Thanks to an eagle-eyed Youtuber, we have finally figured out who the real puppetmaster is in the Whitehouse: A vague reflection of a vase is controlling everything.
Vote Vase / Scented-Candle in 2016!