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Written by: Hamzah Moin
It’s been awhile since I last talked about Facebook. Facebook went through bajillion facelifts and feature changes since then. Poking used be to the sole annoyance on Facebook… now there are at least seven new (annoying) trends on Facebook facing Muslims. Oh joy.
Parents joining Facebook
You know, it’s nice to have parents joining Facebook to spy participate in their loved ones online lives but I think parents need to realize they’re opening a can o’ worms by sending a friend request to their kids.
So a parent sends out a friend request to their kids… what are their kids supposed to do? They’re just faced with a huge problem: either declining the person who helped bring them to existence or accepting and altering dinner table conversations forever.
“Wait… isn’t your friend Sumaya a hijabi?”
“Wow I never thought the imam’s son was so aggressive in his dawah… going to night clubs is a great place for dawah. MashAllah he has so many young Italian wives?”
“Son, did you accept my Farmville invite? My farm is so, as you say, awesome.”
Even if you don’t add your parents, they’ll either find you or Facebook, now becoming nearly self-aware, will “suggest” you become friends with your parents. Facebook knows. It wants to destroy your family life and dinner table conversations. It’s step 1 in its plan to rule the world.
Ugly mirror shots
This one applies to sisters mostly but for some reason some guys think it’s “hot” to take pictures in front of mirrors too. Look at this tool:
Yeah, it’s nice to see that you have one of a billion cellphones that take pictures. You’re already cooler than the rest of us. Forget taking beautiful pictures of nature and the outdoors… what we all really want to see as your Facebook picture is you in your bathroom, with the lights off, taking a picture of yourself in the mirror making a kissy-face.
The world really needs more stupid mirror shots. Really. I heard if you make a mirror shot your profile picture, future employers and recruiters would scan your Facebook page and think you’re oozing with charisma and intelligence and hire you on the spot. You should try it.
People who add you for no reason
There sure are a lot of weirdos out there. That doesn’t mean you have to be a nice person and accept everyone because you’re afraid of hurting their feelings. Weirdos don’t have feelings. If someone wants to be web-friends with you because of your profile picture, they obviously aren’t captivated by your witty status updates or hilarious links. This smells like a superficial relationship.
What also falls under this category are people who insist on adding someone without even really “befriending” them. It’s called FRIEND request. Normally a 10-second exchange of “Do you have the time?” “Yes it’s quarter past three” wouldn’t qualify someone to be your friend but in the Facebook age it does. You better believe that dude that just asked to borrow your pencil will be your new Facebook friend tonight. Or the person who asked when the bus is coming. Thanks to Facebook, the definition of “friend” has been redefined.
Not that I mind people adding me though… I’m pretty awesome like that.
PDA (Public Displays of Affection) I wish I didn’t see.
Before Facebook, Muslim couples were intimate in their own home and NOBODY had to know about it. It was bliss. The couple was happy. Everyone else was happy because we weren’t tortured by their PDA and because Muslims couples sort of have a code of conduct in public. You know, like keeping the lovey-dovey stuff private and for the spouse only?
Facebook came along and the line between what should only be in the bedroom and what everyone else sees has been sort of blurred. Today we are now tortured with heart signs <3 for every birthday and anniversary, winky emoticons and other lame flirtatious techniques, bizarre nicknames you wish you didn’t know about and honeymoon albums that you could have sworn were accidentally uploaded online and not supposed to be viewed by the world.
“But at least they’re married. It’s all Halal. It’s cute.”
No. It’s not cute. Stop it. Not on Facebook.
<3 <3 <3
Okay. This was supposed to be a neat concept. Organizations, celebrities and causes now have a home. Amazing. I’m glad people won’t abuse this feature…
Oh… there’s a fanpage for Bananas. That’s a bit weird… must be an anamoly. I’m sure the rest of the fanpages are more normal and in-line with the purpose.
Oh… a fanpage for… The Other Side of the Pillow Because It’s Cooler… well that’s a bit dumb.
Okay. Fanpages are yet another Facebook feature that has been abused beyond belief.
Now people are making Fanpages over the most mundane things. Like the broken tap at the Masjid…
Not just that, but some Muslims feel it’s okay to make fanpages for things like Jannatul-Firdous. Really? Who ISN’T a fan of Jannatul-Firdous? Why does it need its own fanpage?
And why is it in the travel category?
Like, Like, Like, Like
It seems the big thing nowadays is to ‘like’ everything. ‘Liking’ something is akin to saying “I agree” or “I approve” or “I’m down with that”.
The problem is some people ‘like’ literally everything on their newsfeed… unaware of some of the things they are actually ‘liking’.
If someone is making the announcement for the passing of a loved one or pet… it’s not the best idea to “like” it.
In other words:
“That’s the saddest Janaza prayer I’ve ever-”
Almost Real-Time Status Updates
Lastly, it seems some of us are getting TOO used to the whole status update thing. Like we’re literally posting every second of our day.
From the start:
And now with the ability to tie in cellphones with our Facebook statuses, people can literally update their Facebook from wherever they are. Including places and times where you didn’t think it was even possible to change your status…
What new annoying trends does Facebook have in store for all us? Dun dun dun…