7 Creepy Ways to Find a Wife

Written by: Hamzah Moin

Honestly, every other day I have a friend bugging me to find them a wife.
“Yo Hamzah man, how are we supposed to find any good Muslim girls in this town?”
“Well be yourself… how have you hunted for a wife in the past?”

Then they started telling me the sort of ‘tactics’ they’ve used and honestly I wanted to cry. Sometimes I channel my inner human and exhibit these things called ‘emotions’ and I get a soft spot for Muslim sisters… I feel sorry for them… and that only happens when I listen to my guy friends’ not-so-romantic ways of courting Muslim girls.

I have listed some REALLY creepy tactics Muslim guys could court a Muslim girl… and if any of you guys use the following methods then you deserve to be single forever.

1) Open a Hijab Clothing Company

I see families selling hijabs at booths at the masjid and conferences all the time. Old uncles selling hijabs? That’s normal.

Square hijabs. Triangle hijabs. Octagon hijabs. I don’t get it all these Hijabisms. You know why I don’t get it? Because guys my age aren’t supposed to understand intricate hijab terminology. So when I see guys my age opening hijab shops I know deep down they aren’t really honing their entrepreneurial skills.

Unfortunately, they quickly realize it’s just really old aunties who end up buying their daughters the coolest trapezoid hijab around.

2) Conduct a Sisters-Only Halaqa

Sisters have a lot of their own problems. Like a lot of their own problems.

On this website I have started to tackle all of them until I realized I would have better luck finding Atlantis or Big Foot than figuring out the infamous Girl Problem… (The Loch Ness Monster and UFOs I have chalked up to jinns). So I gave up figuring out girls.

But then I see stupid advertisements for Islamic classes like this:

Surprisingly, it gets a turnout.

Honestly, if Big Foot was Muslim he’d probably have way better luck getting married than some of these Muslim dudes.


3) Create a Fake Facebook Profile

Some sisters are pretty protective on Facebook and would only add their own species (females). I know this because they have profile pictures that say “No Guys Allowed” or “I hate men” or something.

So what’s a guy supposed to do to penetrate this seemingly impossible-to-get breed of girls?

Well the most disturbing thing to do is to create a fake Facebook profile and pose as a girl…

Sisters… if you ever get a message like the above then just remember… on the other side it’s probably someone like this:

Honestly, I think half the girls on my list are guys too. I hope all those marriage proposals I got weren’t from guys… Oh God.

4) Sneeze the Right Opportunity

I hate two things in this world: centipedes and people who hold in their sneezes. Actually, if I had to choose to go into a room filled with centipedes or a room filled with people holding in their sneezes, I’d choose the centipede-room.

Sneezes are meant to be heard out loud (and proud). Inside sneezers need to catch up with the rest of humanity. There is only one instant where I would tolerate inside sneezing: to avoid the sneaky Yarhamukallah.

I know some creepy guys that just wait for a sister to sneeze and come out of nowhere with their Yarhamukallahs.

and then even their convert friends:

and they even accidentally misfire time-to-time:

So sisters, if you ever find yourself smothered by the smell of cologne and/or coconut oil… then you know a sneaky Yarhamakallah is near. Go with the inside sneeze.

5) Feign unconsciousness at a Sisters CPR Training Event

Wrong on so many levels.

6) Harvest Muslim Sisters’ Phone Numbers

Sisters, careful when you hand out your phone numbers when you register to some organization’s event or cause. The person inputting all the data could be some really big (single) creep. What doesn’t help is if this guy works at a telemarketing company and has spare time after work.

Telemarketers are lame. Desperate Muslim guys bugging sisters are lame. Combining both?

Sales quota still remains at zero after all these years.

7) Infiltrate the aunty section

And when guys don’t have much luck courting young Muslim women… what do they do? Start aiming at the older demographic.

But honestly guys… if you want to know the secret of finding Muslim girls and successfully courting them then you have to —

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