A Christmas Special

Written by: Hamzah Moin

’tis the season to be jolly. Or is it? After working in retail for several months I’ve come to realize that Christmas comes in two extremes for our non-Muslim amigos: it’s either the most pleasant time of the year or it’s the most miserable. As a Muslim, it’s fun watching from the sidelines and seeing the chaos that arises. Of course the way we Muslims handle Christmas can come in all sorts of extremes as well.

Christmas Carolers

One thing I find extremely annoying throughout Christmas is that on television you see a group of kids singing Christmas carols in front of a house while the owner of the house stands outside listening to the songs in awe. Apparently the songs “warms their heart” because they’re friggin standing outside in their pyjamas in 30 below weather.

But how do the Christmas carollers know which house to go to? Like what if they show up at a Muslim house?

I mean during Ramadan we sing Nasheeds and stuff but at least we don’t sing annoying CAROLS. Like what happens if you turn something Ramadanish into a carol?

Let’s stick to Nasheeds and promise ourselves never to cheapen Ramadan’s value. Ameen.

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer

One extremely annoying song and Christmas special that comes on television all the time during Christmas is Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. Not only is the song excruciatingly irritating but it also has an equally irritating spin-off holiday special with stop-motion creatures that always gave me nightmares that I still receive to this day.

For those who don’t know the story, Rudolph is this outcast reindeer that all the reindeers make fun of because he has this freakish glowing red nose (and come on, if your nose was glowing you should expect to be made fun of). The moronic Rudolph probably was prying his nose into some radioactive material or blew his nose on some radioactive tissues which caused his nose to turn out this hideous. His horrible mutation is probably his fault but naturally the story skims over such important details.

Now although the song and movie get on my nerves, I have to admit that the person who invented Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had to know his fair share of Muslims in his or her life. The similarities are striking.

Sad isn’t it? Rudolph knows it too!

So the story of Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer could easily be Batinah the Blue-Veiled Hijabi. Same story, different setting. Rudolph’s story is so ho-hum for Muslims. Been there, done that. Yawn.

White Christmas

During Christmas people always sing dumb songs on how things should be a “White Christmas”. What the falooda is a white Christmas? It’s supposedly about the “snow” but deep-down I think there are some massive racial undertones in this.

I’m dreaming of a white Christmas
Just like the ones I used to know
Where the treetops glisten,
and children listen
To hear sleigh bells in the snow

I’m dreaming of a white Christmas
With every Christmas card I write
May your days be merry and bright
And may all your Christmases be white

Sounds pretty damn racist if you ask me. Can you imagine singing a song like this to some of our Somali brothers and sisters? Heck, any non-white brother and sister for that matter… the results will all be the same: absolute disgust.

Why no black Christmas? Or brown Christmas? Or yellow Christmas or a mixed Christmas? I know … it’s probably because Santa Claus himself is racist.

Santa Claus is Racist

Being the innocent 5-year old that I was, it was natural for me to get caught up in the Christmas hype that is drilled into us via our schools, peers and television. I had a chimney but we never really used as the top of it was closed off. How could Santa Claus get through the chimney? With Christmas magic of course. This was probably shirk to believe in but my sins weren’t really accountable at that age so it’s all good. ‘Tis another reason why original innocence rules.

So as you are probably aware, the morning of December 25th wasn’t exactly the rosiest for me due to the lack of presents underneath the imaginary Christmas tree. I wasn’t the happiest kid when I saw my parents.

“Sufferin’ succotash!” I screeched in my shrilly 5-year old voice.
“What?” my dad grumbled.
“Where’s my Christmas gifts?! Santa forgot our house!”

I knew deep down I wasn’t naughty. I knew this because the local Kindergarten bully received a new Nintendo game from Santa and I KNOW he’s naughty. The bully even told me afterwards, “Man, I’ve been so naughty all year and I still got a Nintendo game HAHA” and then he punched my arm. I started to cry… not because he punched my arm but because I was a nice kid and didn’t get anything. I told the teacher that Santa forgot me and she assured me that I was naughty. I looked around the room and noticed the Jewish, Hindu and Sikh kids in my class also didn’t get any gifts either but I knew they weren’t naughty either. In fact, the naughty kids all received gifts while the nice ones didn’t.

It dawned on me that Santa Claus is a big, fat, racist liar. It seems he only gave gifts to the Christian kids or the kids who were tools of commercialization and marketing (essentially every kid). He also has God-like powers for some reason.

Santa Claus is a Rip-Off

Not only is the git racist, but he ripped us off! I’m not talking about our money or ripped us off because he lied to us but because he ripped-off God’s powers. That’s right… he just took them as if they were his.

The only difference it seems is that Allah (SWT) is beyond anthropomorphic qualities while Santa Claus is a fat old man and Allah (SWT) gives us gifts that we tend to take for granted while Santa Claus gives us gifts we don’t need.

I’m personally against the governments for banning the word “Christmas” in schools and replacing it with “Happy Holidays”. To me, this society has the whole mosaic culture backwards. Instead of making schools completely religion-free, why not let ALL religions share their views? Why not have Muslims say Eid Mubarak and Jews say Happy Hanukah and Hindus say Happy Diwali and such? Is it such a bad idea? It bridges understanding and compassion between faiths…something that will unlikely be taught in the private spheres.

Where am I going with this? I say the above because the schools currently ARE NOT secular like they claim to be. Like sometimes they think they are because I said “Oh my God” in my kindergarten class once and my teacher yelled at me and told me to say “Oh my Gosh” instead because apparently ‘gosh’ is neutral. Yet in the same class she went on saying that Santa Claus is watching every single one of us and we should behave. SOUNDS FAMILIAR. Of course it does. Santa Claus is a big fat thief.

If Santa Claus can seep into our public schools and references of God can’t then I think Santa Claus should be stripped of his God-like powers. It’s only fair.

Eid Mubarak.