America Seeks New Villain

Written by: Hamzah Moin

ABBOTTABAD – With the death of Osama bin Laden last night in Pakistan, America is seeking a new villain to blame all of its problems. “Finding a scapegoat is really difficult” said Ron Johnson, Head of U.S. Villain Recruitment, “they have to be mean enough to hate America but not too evil where they seem like a cartoon character.”

Osama Bin Laden has had the monopoly on the Top U.S. Villain position for the past 10 years. Many Americans wanted a new villain because Bin laden was starting to get stale near the tail end of the decade. “Had they waited until say, the next presidential elections to capture him people would be like ‘who’s that again?’” explains Johnson. Bin Laden’s villainous career had been in the slumps after a string of video flops. His sharp decline in popularity and hits reminded many critics of Britney Spears’ career.

Tyra Banks, host of the popular reality show America’s Next Top Villain, feels the public should vote and have greater involvement in the selection of the next enemy of America. “We live in a democracy and it’s the American people, not the government, who should decide who they want to blame their problems on. The people want a villain who has the evilness of Voldemort but the wacky charisma of Charlie Sheen”.

Pundits say that the next top villain will garner a significant following on Twitter and interact with their enemies more through social media. “I think tweeting death-threats, vlogging YouTube videos and insulting people in the comment section are going to be some popular tools for bin Laden’s successor” states Johnson.

Some Americans however, refuse to believe bin Laden is actually dead. Donald Trump, star of hit reality show Celebrity Enemy Apprentice, future Republican presidential candidate, and winner of “Best Hair 2006-2008” by Women’s Health Magazine has controversially denied Osama Bin Laden’s death as legitimate. “I’m not convinced until we see the long form of his death certificate.”

To eerily echo another deceased celebrity who is no stranger to conspiracy theories, Tupac Shakur, some of bin Laden’s best work has been done after he had died. “Seriously, I’ve gotten countless ‘Did you see Osama’s death video?’ requests on Facebook because of this stupid virus. The guy is terrorizing us beyond the grave” explained Banks.

Johnson has had many applications for the coveted top villain spot but unfortunately hasn’t been able to find the right villain just yet. “This is the one job where being a Muslim puts you on top of the list and you won’t have your application rejected right away like regular job opportunities. It’s just a matter of time until we find a new scapegoat.”