Annoying Marketing Initiatives

Written by: Hamzah Moin

Sometimes you hear about an event it seems so awesome you have to go because everyone else is going and the marketing seems clever. OR IS IT? Sometimes over-marketing a product can get on people’s nerves and cause massive boycotts or whatever. Muslims love boycotting things so you better watch out if you’re organizing an event. Here are some things to watch out for:

E-mail Blitz

You ever wonder what sort of heinous crime you may have accidentally done to a friend where you are punished with pointless e-mails upon even more pointless e-mails? Did I forget to say “Yarhamukallah” when he sneezed ? Did I stick a hijab pin too deep in her hijab? Surely I must have done SOMETHING to be added to this e-mail list where there is no unsubscribe button. Dammit. The best thing I can do is quarantine all the pesky ads into one folder… like this:

If you send more than five non-work related e-mails a day then please go through this list:

1) Do people actually care? Everyone on your list must know about the mildew growing in the Brother’s Wudu Area. It’s THAT important.
2) can i readz it w/o half-in 2 take 10 hrs to trsn-L8 1 frikn sen10ce? It’s a lot of fun and reminds me of Bumper Stumpers.
3) Is it recent? E-mailing me about events that happened three years ago is awesome because I have the memory of a goldfish.
4) Does the subject line begin with something other than FWD? Because I like receiving e-mail that have no originality or thought put into it.
5) Is it attachment free? One thing that I enjoy is receiving attachments of flyers that fill up my entire inbox’s capacity. Thank you.

If the answer is no to any of these questions then you aren’t doing a good job of annoying your friends with e-mails they would never read. Keep trying!

“Subtle” Juma Messages

Sometimes you go to Juma to get awesome reminders about Islam or whatever. Sometimes you might be really engrossed in a khutbah but the reminder somehow changes course and the khateeb starts spewing out an abrupt advertisement for an unrelated event or product.

“Brothers and sisters you must take heed as the Dajjal is coming soon and there will be a lot of fitna in this world. We must remain vigilant and stand firm with the Qur’an and Sunnah. By the way tomorrow is Muslim Day at Six Flags Amusement Park so whoever wants to hit up Scooby Doo’s Fun Coaster with me then holler.”

Our khateebs could be like NASCAR drivers soon with and have every khutbah sponsored by something. I’d love it if my khateeb was sponsored by Halal Rice Krispies Squares or Zum-Zum Water. It’d be very refreshing.

Frequent Flyers (Miles)

Sometimes leaving Juma is a mission. Having to tip-toe past the people praying extra nafl prayers is tough because they get in your way and are always the ones blocking the exit. The other people you have to sneak around are the poor flyer distributers. For some reason, someone suckered the Frequent Flyers into giving out these lovely leaflets after Juma and they didn’t have the gulab jamuns to say no.

For starters, I can’t stand keeping flyers around the house just because some schmuck decided to write Bismillah in Arabic on the flyer thus making it “trash-proof”. Some flyers I can understand, but Halal Hot Dogs shouldn’t have that.

Let me make something else clear to Islamic organizations: you don’t have to print out 20,000 flyers to an event that only 100 people will show up to. Nobody reads the flyers and the environment gets completely owned. We’re supposed to be tree-huggers! I think. Muslims should be hippies without the weed.

Here’s the process of the average flyer for a Muslim event:

Less flyers = less sad trees.

Haggler

By far the most annoying form of marketing is the face-to-face kind. Usually it’s the most effective. After all, when a buddy recommends something to you then you obviously listen.

You stop listening when your buddy doesn’t shut up.

“Hey bro you coming to the seminar this weekend?”
“Naw man”
“WHY NOT? OH MY GOD EVERYONE IS GOING TO BE THERE. THE ENTIRE WORLD.”
“Maybe next time inshAllah?”
“You might be dead next time I see you so keep that in mind.”

Morbid isn’t it? And even when you have a valid excuse they might turn around with some go-to replies.

“Dude, seminar is tomorrow. Can’t wait. You reaching?
“Well my wife is pregnant and is expected any minute and I think I need to be at her side and-“
“GIVE YOUR EXCUSES A WEDGIE MAN. I DON’T WANT TO HEAR IT. ”
“I uhh, what?”
“Bring your wife too. Your baby should pop out in a seminar filled with haqq. That’s how I came into this world mashAllah.”

That sort of explains a lot actually.

Facebook Spam

What I like about Facebook is that I get really excited when I get new messages. It usually means I’m important. I’m a nice guy though and I like supporting groups or events that are for a good cause. What I don’t like is getting inboxes filled with this garbage:

More isn’t always better. Unless the conference is giving away free ice cream as a promotion.

Damn, that’s actually a pretty good idea.

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