Annoying Stalker Brothers

Written by: Hamzah Moin

One of the main criticisms I get on this site is that I’m too mysoginist or sexist or manly or awesome or whatever. Apparently I’m too hard on the sisters. *sniff* I guess that’s true. Sort of. So I decided to divert my attention to the brothers for a change. One thing I notice is that there are a lot of brothers that are friggin’ creepy. I’m not talking about “Man that brother’s Salam was really sleezy” sort of creepy or “Damn, that brother just winked at me and licked his lips” sort of creepy… I’m talking about those REALLY scary ones. The ones that keep you up late at night.

Here’s a list I gathered from reports I heard from sisters. Most, if not all are based off of real people.

The Facebook Stalker

I know I’ve written plenty about Facebook but this one seems to be a no brainer. You think all those cute girl party pictures are only viewed by girls? Think again suckers. That’s only a Facebook utopian dream. We’re dealing with people like this:

If you haven’t fixed your privacy settings… now would be a good time to do so.

Getting poked from a stranger on Facebook is like getting poked in real life by a stranger: there’s a potential to catch diseases. I know people that sit on their computers all day poking random people just for the sake of poking. Imagine doing this in real life?

I take it most people wouldn’t poke back in real life. Unless you are some sort of freak.

The Sign-Up Sheets Stalker

Ever notice that brothers-only events or sisters-only events hardly get people coming out but when they’re unsegregated all of a sudden the place gets packed out and you get dozens upon dozens of volunteers, begging how they can help out in the event? Yes… of course you do.

Ever wanted to join a committee and had to sign some innocent looking paper with your name and e-mail? That could get scandalous… because sometimes you might get a random snooper who wants to snoop other things if you know what I’m sayin’.

Other times the roles might be reversed and you might find yourself as a team leader in a committee. Sometimes you’ll get random brothers joining because “they love the initiative you are starting” or something. In reality they want to start some other initiatives if you catch my drift.

Gross.

The Sahih-Bukhari Stalker

This one is pretty sly. He’ll get your e-mail address and send you condescending e-mails about how you’re a big fitna to the campus and how you should stop even going to school because you’re a Walking-Haram. Your crime: going to class.

He’ll then provide Hadith upon Hadith on why you should stop going to school and why it’s better for the ummah for you to stay at home. Staying at home means less distractions for the horndog brother and everyone is happy. This is really a front… deep down the Sahih Bukhari Stalker is madly in love with you and is just showing off his Qur’an + Sunnah skills to impress the females.

I saw something similar to it on the Discovery Channel once.

The Staring-Problem Stalker

You see we sort get sinned if we take a lustful second look. This is why most guys play it safe and make one really, really, really long first look. First look is free I suppose.

This is probably the most creepiest one because whenever someone is starting at you, you sort of look away but you can still ‘feel’ the stare. It’s pretty gross. A good tactic to get rid of the staring problem stalker is to wear bright colours and/or a shiny hijab.

The Stop-Wearing-Bright-Colours Stalker

Every once in awhile I’ll walk by a sister and shield my eyes. This isn’t because she is extraordinarily ugly or anything… it’s because her hijab is ridiculously shiny. It’s like staring at the sun. You just have to cover your eyes because her hijab emanates such blinding shininess. But hey, that’s not a bad thing. Whatever floats her boat I suppose.

But apparently some guys aren’t fans of this. In fact, some guys would actually volunteer themselves in the khutbah slot on Fridays to speak about the ummah’s biggest problem: shiny hijabs. A 30 minute khutbah on why shiny hijabs are a fitna is something we all need to hear for sure.

Shiny hijabs are a weapon actually because guys look away. It’s a good away to force them to ‘lower their gaze’. They just sort of frustrates the Stop-Wearing-Bright-Colours Stalker who then just settles as a Facebook stalker and thus starts the Cycle… the Cycle of Stalking.

Don’t guys do the cutest things?

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