Ask the Maniac: Gender Problems

Written by: Hamzah Moin

For some reason, since people believe I have this mutant power of ‘thinking like a girl’, it automatically makes me the ‘sheikh’ of gender relations. Oh my.

my name is iqbal and i like ur site but listen!!!!!! you have to help me! i live in res with this other muslim guy and sometimes at night i see him watching porn on his computer. he thinks im asleep but no!!! im awake!!!!! its a small room too so its kinda nasty knowing how close he is to me. its disgusting and he has gigs upon gigs of pornography!! and not just haram porn but like REALLY REALLY haram porn! and sometimes when hes gone i watch it too but astagfirullah i shouldnt!!! how do i tell him without offending him?!


I like how you slipped the “by the way I watch it too” in there. Remind me not to shake your hand!!!!!!!!! I’m pretty certain that your friend knows its Haram but he just needs some extra guilt to slap him silly. Here’s my suggestion:

You make your own porn movie. Only it’s not really a porn movie because right when the actors are about to get their hanky panky on they say “Hey, you know what? This sucks. Let’s become Muslim” And so they embrace Islam and the porno duo spread dawah throughout the entire “porn video” by going to porn addicts and telling them why its Haram. Porn addicts usually look up to porn actors so hopefully this celebrity endorsement works.

Finally, you end the video with a surprise twist ending by having a special interview with your friend’s mom who says “Son, please stop watching porn. It’s disgusting and I hate it” to which she ends the video with a thumbs down.

Save the movie as bestpornever.mpg and leave it on his desktop. If that doesn’t stop his porno tendencies I don’t know what will.

hey ur the maniac muslim right? Lol ur site is jokz but stop bein so hard on us girls… were not ALL like that hmph.
but i got some weird advice though… like there are ALOT of cute guys at my school and i want to make it less obvious that i think theyre cute lol… i want to give them the cold shoulder ahahaha. bhat should i do!?!
-anonymous hijabi

Lowering the gaze is an art. At times the girl simply casts her eyes on the ground to stare at the brother’s feet. Unfortunately you probably are fully aware that the feet is probably the most attractive part of an average MSA brother’s body. This is why we need to upgrade the lowering the gaze tactics.

I have seen some hijabis pull this off at Islamic conferences when a cutie patootie walked by them. They sort of lowered their gaze but they hid this by ADJUSTING THEIR HIJABS at the very moment the guy walked by. Here’s how it goes:

Brothers tend to be nice and will stare at you so you can stare back so he can initiate the Salam. If no eye contact is made then the brother risks throwing a “lost Salam” where there is no receiver. This will humiliate the brother.

Target is locked and Salam commences.

For some reason a simple “Salam” can ooze into a sister’s heart and thus creates the ‘shocked’ reflex. Usually the sister desires something more than simply ‘lowering the gaze’. They want to lower the gaze in style.

Lowering the gaze isn’t too difficult as long as one can start to ‘adjust the hijab’ the moment the brother says Salam. This is the most crucial part of all the steps.

You know it worked when the sleezy brother has no other opening to further the conversation.

In reverse, brothers can use this tactic by stroking their beards and fixing their kufis when they see a pa-paow-paowish sister walk by as well. Lowering the gaze with class.

Now although the above tactic was done with ‘hijab’… for those wondering how to do it without a hijab you basically just put a napkin on top of your head and adjust that as the cute brother walks by. Ta-dah.

hey maniac im part of my msa (muslim students association) and i heard ur part of one too……
at my school everyone in tha msa gets married with each other ahahah what is this the marriage students assocation??? LOLOLOLOL. hahahah omg. hahahahahaha.

That is so funny.

Salaaaaam maniac bhai,
I realized u can help me… I always talk to this girl from my msa online cuz I need to plan stuff for Islamic awareness week but she keeps on changing the topic and trying to flirt with me… what should I do? -Arif

Ah, I know what the problem is… the fishing-for-compliments thing. You know where the girl would say something dumb about herself and expects you to transform that negative comment into a positive one thus becoming a compliment/flirtation?

Arif: so u r gonna set up the food for the ramadan iftaars?
hijabi_girl_teddybear786: yeh. Omg i feel so bad planning the food lol
hijabi_girl_teddybear786: lol im getting so fat ughhh

Uh oh. Trapped. What to say? What to say? Here’s probably what a “nice” person would say (and what the crazy sister is probably expecting):

hijabi_girl_teddybear786: lol im getting so fat ughhh
Arif: no you’re not. mashAllah you’re so fit I wish the other sisters could get fitness tips from you or something because damn
hijabi_girl_teddybear786: LOL awwwww thanks
Arif: Awww yeah

Pretty awful isn’t it. But then there is the other extreme… you know like “agreeing” with the sister on her tubbiness.

hijabi_girl_teddybear786: lol im getting so fat ughhh
Arif: yes I know… I noticed that too. Must be hard trying to cover your figure lol. I’m going to start saying Assalamu Alaikum twice to you now because damn
* hijabi_girl_teddybear786 is now offline *
Arif: Awww yeah

I believe the best route to take is using the good ol’ Arabic words.

hijabi_girl_teddybear786: lol im getting so fat ughhh
Arif: Bismillah.
hijabi_girl_teddybear786:That doesn’t make sense.
Arif: mashAllah.

Ummmm not those. I was thinking something along the lines of this:

hijabi_girl_teddybear786: lol im getting so fat ughhh
Arif: Alhamdullilah.
hijabi_girl_teddybear786: Ummm okay lol
Arif: Awww yeah

See? The Alhamdullilah response works the best and can get you out of sticky situations like that.