Ask the Maniac

Written by: Hamzah Moin

People always e-mail me about the site. “Good job man, your site rules”, “MashAllah your site is hilarious”, “Astagfirullah at your site but it was still enjoyable” etc. It was only a matter of time before people actually started asking me advice with these e-mails, as if I was some sort of sheikh or imam or something. Amusing as they are … they hurt. I didn’t want to leave them unanswered so I tried to answer them the best I could.

hi humza gewd site buh jus 1 qestion……………..
wer da dinosars like t.rex and rapter and brontisuras alive wen prophet adam wuz around?
ali mahmood

With writing like this, it almost makes me believe Darwin’s Theory and accept that Neanderthals managed a way to write e-mails. WHAT THE HELL IS THIS? I don’t care if dinosaurs were around or not… if people like this exist today then it makes me wonder if human beings are de-evolving. This e-mail is probably one of the minor signs of the Day of Judgment. God help us all.

hi. i was wondering why i cant pray during that time of the month?

The first Monday of the month is always difficult but hang in there … it took me awhile to start praying on the first Monday of every month too. Hang in there saana, hang in there. That time of the month is tough as I hear it is economically the worst day of the month.

funnie site lolz lolz lolz lolz
small q. a boy at school sed bad things about islam. what should i do? omg i hate him so much.


You probably want me to say “Punch him in the face and kick him in the shins” but that isn’t the way to do things.
It’s obvious by your tone that you’re madly in love with him.

Use reverse psychology. Tell him, “I bet you’re too wussy to join Islam”. Chances are, your dim-witted boyfriend would be like “No I’m not! Islam is a piece of cake!” then you say “prove it” then he says “I testify that there is no God but Allah and Muhammad is his Messenger!”. BAM! Straight up gold.

By the way, if you talk the way you type and you plan on marrying this guy then it’d be ideal if you don’t talk much after the nikkah.

salam i farted in prayer


aoa Hi I just wanted to clarify can I wudu over my wool socks?<
Jamal Ahmed
Austin, Texas

I know taking them off in the washroom might be scary and requires an amazing balance. But say you’re in a public place… by having your hairy feet in the sink it’ll get non-Muslims asking questions about Islam and thus, converting them. I know a lot of people who converted because they saw people washing their feet in sinks.

Non-Muslims will probably think you’re weirder if you sprinkle water on your shoes rather than having your feet in the sink so go with the less-weird route.

Assalamu Alaykum Warahmatallahi Wa Barakatuhu Astagfirullaah you’re site is extreeemely distastefull and Haraam. Please take it down if you fear Allaah. It is Haraam to muck are grate relijon.

You know what’s haram? Your atrocious spelling. You’re from the land that invented English and this is what you give me. Try sticking some more A’s in there why don’t you?


salamz when i went to the farm i saw lots of goats and i ate them all.

Please see a psychiatrist. Eating live goats is a mentally disturbing act. You probably didn’t even say Bismillah.

SALAM A boy at school said salams to me… what should I do?
new jersey

Say Walaikum Asalaam. He doesn’t want to marry you. Stop giggling and blushing everytime he says salam to you. I swear the next sister that I see giggling when I say Salam to them will get a shoe in the mouth.

To sum it up: stop asking me stupid questions. It hurts my head. The moral of the story for the thick-headed is that you should only ask questions to the scholars or sheikhs in your area, not some sarcastic online doofus that you don’t know (and shouldn’t know).