Awkward Things Muslims Do

Written by: Hamzah Moin

Accidentally saying Muslim lingo to a non-Muslim

When Muslims are together, we tend to throw around lingo that can seem intimidating. Insider “Muslim” lingo like inshAllah (if Allah wills) and alhamdullilah (praise be to Allah). When non-Muslims come to this site, they read all sorts of Muslim-ish stuff and most of them just leave confused which amuses me as I enjoy confusing people.

However when it happens in real life, it actually seems less pleasurable and more awkward. Observe:

On the flip side, if they don’t call the police then they’ll start researching all the funky Muslim lingo and embrace Islam that way. That’s some slick dawah.

The Long Salam

Whenever we depart, Muslims do the whole handshake stuff and exchange the Salam thing. That’s cool. Some take it a step further by reciting some duas or mini-prayers. That’s cool. Some people take it too far by making uber duas while shaking… even when you’ll see them again in a couple of hours.

You just lost all feeling in your hand. The goodbye doesn’t get any more epic than that.

But how could this Long Salam be even more awkward?


Walking in the same direction after a Long Salam

Normally after a Long Salam, you go your way and the notorious shaker goes his/her way.

But sometimes there are hiccups. Sometimes you embarrassingly end up walking in the same direction after a Long Salam.

Reigniting a new conversation would just nullify all the work and countless hours it took for the Long Salam.

It’s best you don’t even make eye contact after a Long Salam. Just stare at the floor or fake a phone call.

Weird excuses when refusing to shake hands with the opposite gender

Some of us wanna be all slick and not shake the hands of the opposite gender. That’s fine. What’s not slick is giving off terrible excuses that would make anyone extremely confused. Some sample excuses below:

“Ew. No. Cooties.”
“I’m worried I might crush your extremely beautiful yet incredibly puny hands.”
“This hand is filled with a contagious disease that could give you diarrhea and/or rabies for a week… it’s really up to you if you want to shake it.”

Wear boxing gloves. Slice off your hands. Sneeze into your hand before every meeting… do SOMETHING. Just do us all a favour and don’t make up dumb excuses if you aren’t a shaker.

Meeting a long lost friend in a public restroom

Honestly I’m glad we have rules about refraining from having long conversations in the washroom. It’s not a place where I like to have long conversations. Or even making eye contact for that matter.

Meeting someone you haven’t seen in awhile WHILE in a public restroom is awkward enough. The conversation below is actually not made up.

“HEEYYY ASSALAMU ALAIKUM HAMZAH! MANIAC MUSLIM? LONG TIME MAN…”
**eying the stall** “Yeah what’s up man… I-“
“OH MAN LOL DUDE WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN HERE?”
“Do I need to give you vivid details?”

Perhaps I should have though.

Captain Buzzkill

Every crowd has a Captain Buzzkill. The kings and queens of destroying all conversations, these people really go out of their way to make sure you feel bad because you’re a lowly Muslim who has the time to talk about something not related to religion at least once a day.

There are three distinct types:

The political buzzkill:

Favourite book buzzkill:

And the always awesome, the nonsensical random buzzkill:

But honestly, why are you even reading this article when you should be reading the Qur’an?

Comments

comments