Biting Back Hurts

Written by: Hamzah Moin

In the midst of a hiring, The Interviewer is forced to choose between two employees.

The Interviewer: Well you both have some solid applications.
Tahir: Thank you.
Ibrahim: Thank you.
The Interviewer: However I’m going to give the edge to Tahir here…
Tahir: Yes!

The Interviewer: With that being said, I give Tahir the Paradise Seal of Quality. Congratulations.
Tahir: Wahoo!
*The door bursts open. A mysterious looking man walks in, whispers something into The Interviewer’s ear and walks back out*
The Interviewer: Oh I see. I guess this changes everything. Can I have your applications back? I need to make some changes.
*The Interviewer takes out a red pen, scribbles all over the two applications and hands it back to the interviewees*

Tahir: What the? You just scribbled out all my stuff…
Ibrahim: …and added it to my application. Thanks!

The Interviewer: Congratulations Ibrahim. You’re hired!
Ibrahim: Oh thank you thank you!
Tahir: Hey! I thought I was hired!
The Interviewer: Your application sucks Tahir. Barely has anything on it.
Tahir: But you scribbled it out! LOL!
Ibrahim: LOL!
The Interviewer: Don’t LOL me. I don’t have time for losers like yourself.

*The Interviewer kicks Tahir out of the office*

Tahir: Damn it! You idiots! I’m the best damn guy in the world!

*Suddenly, a mysterious looking person arises out of the mist*

Charlie: Salam effendi.
Tahir: Who are you?
Charlie: That is irrelevant… the question is what are you doing out here?
Tahir: I got the boot. The Interviewer betrayed me and hired some moron instead. I hate that Ibrahim. He’s so stupid and conniving and …
Charlie: Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Tahir: What?
Charlie: Didn’t you learn anything?
Tahir: Of course not. Was I supposed to learn something?
Charlie: Sigh.

*Charlie takes Tahir inside a mysterious looking building*

Tahir: Where the hell are we?
Charlie: That is irrelevant… the question is have you read the Charles Dickens story called “A Christmas Carol” or seen the movie?
Tahir: No I don’t celebrate Christmas. The Imam at my mosque told me not to be affiliated with Christmas at all.
Charlie: That’s a pity. It’s a good movie. Anyway in the story there is a Ghost called “The Ghost of Christmas Past”…
Tahir: I thought ghosts were part of Halloween?
Charlie: No. Wait yeah they are but…
Tahir: Isn’t Halloween Haram as well? My mosque made a program called “Halaloween” to encourage kids to do Halal things. LOL @ title of Halaloween.
Charlie: Yeah yeah it has nothing to do with Halloween. Anyway, technically I’m like the Ghost of Christmas Past. But to make it easier for you we’ll call myself The Ghost of Eid-ul-Fitr.
Tahir: So you’re a jinn?
Charlie: No! Okay listen forget all this ghost crap. Just call me Charlie.
Tahir: Are you a revert?
Charlie: Just shut up for a second and listen. Basically I have access to a lot of the dumb things you did in your past. We’ll call them flashbacks. Do you like flashbacks?
Tahir: Flashbacks are fun.
Charlie: Good. Now I’m going to show you a few throughout this evening. For starters: What is your opinion of Ibrahim… the fellow that just took your job.
Tahir: He’s a bast-
Charlie: Okay that’s enough sonny. Do you ever find yourself backbiting Ibrahim a lot?
Tahir: Yeah I remember this one time in the gym… He was doing some girly push-ups so I told him to ‘be a man’ and I bit his back.

Charlie: Hang on sonny… I think you are mistaken with cannibalism. That I believe is Haram too. We shouldn’t eat one another.
Tahir: Oh I see.
Charlie: I’m talking about backbiting as in the tongue. Do you find yourself talking ill of Ibrahim when he’s not around?
Tahir: Oh all the time.
Charlie: Why do you do it?
Tahir: Well… it’s not like it damages HIM does it? It only makes ME feel better.
Charlie: But don’t you think other people would get a bad impression of him?
Tahir: Well that’s the point. They should see how he really is y’now?
Charlie: I have a flashback that I think we should watch…

Tahir: Man Fatima was hot. I can’t believe she married that idiotic doctor…
Charlie: Hey!
Tahir: What?? It’s the facts ma’am.
Charlie: That’s your problem T-man. You realize that “Factbiting” is the same as Backbiting right?
Tahir: I don’t believe it Charles.
Charlie: If everyone knew every single fact about you do you think people would like it?
Tahir: Of course they would. Chicks would dig the fact that I have no hair on my legs or that I have a birthmark on my chest. I’m concealing a lot of potential chick magnets y’know?
Charlie: I guess you don’t mind me telling all the sisters you know that you still wet the bed to this day or that you have a secret obsession with Barbie dolls.
Tahir: Hey! I told nobody about that stuff! How did you…
Charlie: That is irrelevant … the question is factbiting is backbiting.
Tahir: That’s not a question at all man.
Charlie: Woops… I mean do you think factbiting is backbiting now?
Tahir: Yeah yeah. But who cares if it’s fact or false? I would have said that crap to his face anyway. I’m a man like that.
Charlie: Hmmm I think I have another flashback…

Tahir: Seriously though… that is one stupid shirt.
Charlie: Tahir..
Tahir: What?! I said it to his face. I rock.
Charlie: I don’t think saying bad things in front of people makes it any better. It just makes you look more like a jackass.
Tahir: But –
Charlie: And Muslims are not supposed to be jackasses right?
Tahir: True… but there is this one “Muslim” website filled with morons called MuslimWa-…
Charlie: That is irrelevant. The question is have you learned anything?
Tahir: Backbiting is for losers who have no life because they fill their own empty life with the misery of others?
Charlie: More or less.
Tahir: Can you explain who you are?
Charlie: Just a mysterious guy who tells interviewers if their future applicants suck or not.
Tahir: YOU.
Charlie: Hey don’t worry I hooked you up.
Tahir: *blush* Thanks man.
Charlie: Oh I got you a present. Here…

*Tahir opened up his present.*

Tahir: Oh the new Barbie!
Charlie: There’s more…
Tahir: And new bed sheets! Thanks man!
Charlie: Don’t mention it. Try not to think of water before you sleep.