Boycott the Prom

Written by: Hamzah Moin

What’s the one question in the world that we all know the answer to but insist on freaking asking it anyway? If you have an ounce of logic in your head or at least caught a glimpse of the title, you probably have realized by now that this article is about proms and boycotting them of sorts. The question “As a Muslim, can I go to prom?” usually gets asked about oh, let’s say 5000 times a week or something. Most imams and local sheikhs have developed a standardized reply. They sound like this:

Confused Muslim student: Sheikh, can I go to my school’s prom?
Sheikh: No.
Confused Muslim student: But-
Sheikh: Proms are Haram.
Confused Muslim student: But-
Sheikh: If you go you’ll be Haram
Confused Muslim student: But-
Sheikh: Don’t be Haram.
Confused Muslim student: But-
Sheikh: Shut up. Go pray two nafl.

I’m not here to give you a scholarly opinion. That’s not my job. I’m here to tell you why proms are for people who don’t really have much spunk in their lives which is why you shouldn’t go. If you have an ounce of coolness in you you’d boycott your prom just as I did.

“But Hamzah, isn’t like the prom the most amazing thing ever? Oh my gyad it’s like the kewlest thing ever invented.”

Yes… I’m sure its “kewl”. But it’s only cool for morons who have nothing else to do in their lives. Observe the following chart: it lists the most important events in a non-Muslim’s entire life.

Proms are the pinnacle of a Western person’s life. Exactly what’s so amazing about it? Hell I don’t even know. You still see the same people after and the world is EXACTLY the same. Proms aren’t magical. And if they were then it’d be super Haram because black magic is a no-no.

“But I just want to go to the prom or post-prom party and hang out with my friends LOL”

Yeah I’m sure you will. You’re just gonna be sitting in the corner on a crappy wooden chair while twiddling your thumbs and thinking to yourself, “Man this is so much fun. I’m glad I spent $300 on a suit/dress that’s getting wrinkled right now. I’m not here to impress anyone anyway but I’m sure people will think I’m cool, despite not being able to drink, dance, smoke, swear, wear shorts above the knees and all those other Haram activities.”

If you go, friends will indirectly pressure you. What happens if they offer beer?

Or when you get macked on?

Or when something else Haram arises?

So the question is… what ISN’T Haram at the prom? Hardly anything. Proms suck. And you will suck for attending.

What can you do instead? Go out with your friends and have a good time. Anything with your buddies is more fun than the craptacular prom. It’s cheaper too. All your friends going to prom? Then hang out with your mom. Moms are hilariously cool.

“But Hamzah, all my friends pressure me to go. I HATE PEER PRESSURE. *screams*”

This one is easy. Do what I did… play off the whole “I’m-too-good-for-this-lame-prom” bit.

“Yo Hamzah, you buy your tickets yet?”
“Tickets for what?”
“PROM! OBVIOUSLY.”
“Nah man. I’m busy.”
“TOO BUSY? WHA-”
“I know. I’m the man. Maybe next time?”

Making yourself look busy makes you appear cool and “above-the-system.” If they make fun of you, then you can make fun of them for spending $400 or more on a night they probably won’t remember because they’ll get hammered.

We’re too good for proms. Spend your time doing something cooler. I hear Jenga is amazing.

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