TweetPETERBOROUGH – In the town’s first non-mosque/non-cow related arson incident, Wayne Carlson accidentally burned down his …
Written by: Hamzah Moin
A fringe Christian group from Florida is dismayed at how poorly their planned Burn a Quran Day ended up turning out. “This was the worst book burning event in history,” said book burning enthusiast Jen Kennedy, “Almost as bad as the time we burned ‘Book Burning for Dummies’”
Pastor Terry Jones has stated that he intended for his church group to burn copies of the Holy Quran on the anniversary of the 9/11 attacks. “Islam is a religion of the devil and we need to burn the books of the devil.” When pressed with the fact that most devils would enjoy things being burned he said “go to hell”.
Unfortunately for Pastor Terry, the book burning event turned out to be a colossal disaster. “I took out three copies of the Koran from the library and set ‘em ablaze and now they’re hitting me with this huge overdue fine that I can’t repay. I owe the library $600″.
Other burn-enthusiasts couldn’t tell the difference between Arabic and other languages and ended up burning Hindi translations of Dr. Seuss books. “It looked like the Koran to me.” said John Cleaver. Arabic translations of the Twilight series, Goosebumps and the Bible were also accidentally burned. “I don’t think burning Twilight was an accident.”
Surprisingly, some Muslims are enjoying the event. “I don’t think they’ve figured out that burning is a respectful way of disposing anything that has Allah’s name written on it,” said Abdul Akbar Khan, owner of Taqwa Islamic Bookstore, “Besides, my sales have gone up 300%…I’ve completely sold out of all my copies of the Qur’an. For every book they buy and burn, I can reprint three more copies.”
According to Pastor Terry, he was astonished when someone told him about the 500-year old invention of the printing press and didn’t know about things like “mass publication”. “I didn’t think they could reprint copies of the Qur’an that fast… aren’t they all written by hand?”
Other angry burn-enthusiasts were shocked when they found out that the Qur’an is replicated digitally on the internet and would be impossible to get rid of completely. “Things got really out of hand when people started taking their computers and burning them too” said Cleaver. Half the crowd had fainted due to the fumes of the burning computers.
Things took a turn for the worst when people told the book burners that millions of Muslims have in fact memorized the entire Qur’an. “I heard it’s illegal to burn people so we had to stop the event because it was getting lame” said Terry, who ended up burning his wallet because it was made in Saudi Arabia.