Confused Muslim Teenager Boycotts Everything

NEWARK – A Muslim teenage boy is bewildered after he lost track on the number of things he is supposed to be boycotting. “If I’m unsure about something I just boycott it,” said Hamed Ismail, 17. “It’s getting a bit difficult to keep track.”


Shortly after this picture was taken, Hamed boycotted the company that made the signs.

Ismail’s mother has mixed feelings about her son’s passion for boycotting. “Honestly, I think he’s taking it a little too far,” she explained. “He started boycotting all the meals I make for him.” Hamed claims this is due to his mother working for a company whose CEO’s sister’s brother-in-law’s step-son donates to Israel. “I think it’s really because he hates my cooking,” his mother added.

Hamed would occasionally receive emails from fellow boycotters on new companies that have been added to the boycott list. “I look forward to the ‘boycott emails’… just last week my contact has indisputable evidence that 100% of all sales for Charmin’s double-ply toilet paper division funds the Israeli Defense Forces. You wouldn’t know it because they  illegally hide that stuff in their annual corporate reports. I have now switched to single-ply toilet paper…. it’s awful but it’s for justice.”

The past few days have been difficult for Hamed however. Lately, all email clients have also been added to the boycott list. “My contact now sends things over by snail mail but we have suspicions that the post office also sends money to Israel so we’re going to try carrier pigeons, provided they weren’t trained by Zionists.”

The boycott has extended far beyond the Israel issue. When Hamed’s favourite Islamic scholar made a public declaration that he’s boycotted speaking at an upcoming Islamic conference, Hamed immediately put the Islamic conference on his boycott list. “I really should go to an Islamic class or something as I hardly know anything about the religion but I already put the local mosque on my boycott list too.”

The mosque in question, Masjid Al-Miraj, was put on the list because its leaders weren’t angry enough about the Egypt dilemma. “I expect the Imam to at least lose his voice by the end of the khutbah,” explained Hamed. “Otherwise, he’s just not passionate enough.”

Ismail is also boycotting attending university, as he would prefer to stay at home to play on his Play Station 4, which is one of the few things that he hasn’t boycotted.

The other thing that Hamed hasn’t boycotted yet is Facebook. “I can’t leave Facebook,” explains Hamed, “how else will I show people what I’m boycotting?”