Cooties Are Halal

Written by: Hamzah Moin

It takes quite some time to write an article. It takes even longer to think of what to write about. But whenever I get stumped I think of the opposite gender (no, not think OF them but think of topics I can do ABOUT them because they seem to give me an endless supply of arsenal). Marriage is the hottest topic on campus and if it was Halal to bet, I’d bet you a hundred bucks you’ve thought about marriage a few times this past month. If you’re a girl then change “this past month” to “this past hour”.

For some strange reason there is this bizarre stereotype that all sisters think about is marriage. Like it or not, the stereotype is partially true. Sisters of course deny it and even while reading this they’re thinking “Oh my gosh like that is so untrue what an idiot… I so wouldn’t marry someone like him!”. Take innocent Brother-A who after Juma is just innocently tying his shoes outside on an innocent afternoon. A pack of hungry sisters roam nearby.

Sister A – **giggle**
Sister B – Do you think he saw me? LOL
Sister C – No. I wore a bright yellow hijab today so he’d notice me.

Modesty gets flushed down the toilet unfortunately. Flush.

Stop grinning Brothers. We’re not angels either. If anything we’re much worse. At least sisters just giggle and gossip amongst themselves. The worst they get is to spread rumours about “so-and-so” loving “so-and-so” around campus. That’s cute. But Brothers man, there’s certain situations where I just grimace in pain and get ashamed that I have a Y Chromosome.

For example, if you’re really anxious to get married you shouldn’t make a list of “potentials”. Make sure you don’t have that list in your school binder. Also make sure you don’t forget about this list and let a sister borrow your notes. In addition, make sure that sister isn’t on your “potentials” list. That could lead to years of turmoil and embarrassment and will cause you to write articles such as this one to let out the frustration.

Another thing brothers are terrible at is the approach. If you have strong feelings for a sister, the most Halal thing to do is to marry her. Unfortunately, many people neglect to mention this part and just cut to the chase. Take Brother-B and random Sister at an Islamic conference.

“Assalamu Alaikum sister, do you have a minute?”
“Ummmm okay.”
“In Islam, if we are to love someone of the opposite gender for the sake of Allah then we should marry one another. If I do not marry you I am sinning.”
Random sister runs away. Brother-B does not give up.
“No… wait! I do announcements at Juma! I’m a good Muslim! Honest!”

But this isn’t as bad as other Brothers. Some brothers go by the motto, “if you throw a thousand darts in the air one will hit the target”. Brothers who adopt this strategy tend to print their bio-data on business cards and give them to random sisters at Islamic events. Once I was wearing a hoodie and a brother mistook me for a hijabi and gave me his card. I was so flattered that I blushed like a tomato and giggled like Tickle-Me-Elmo. I declined his offer.

So how does one propose to cure this marriage fever that is so rampant on campus nowadays? If you’re a sister then try to avoid any talks that have anything to do with “Brothers C, D and E”. If you catch your friend talking about Brother D then she has to buy everyone lunch or carry their schoolbags for the day or something. Or for a crazy twist you ban her from talking. This will ensure nobody brings up this topic.

For a guy, let’s stick to our usual topics: useless stuff. If a brother brings up marriage then he has to do a few push-ups in front of everyone. The fever will die if everyone stops talking about it.

Figuring out the opposite gender takes 90% of your brain power. If we concentrate on our books instead of “who is good marriage material” then we can get some decent grades to impress the future in-laws right? Of course. Books before looks.

Things were great when people believed cooties were real. If anything I think it’s the most Islamic approach to handling the opposite gender. Sisters, imagine seeing a marriage prospect walking down the hall. If you want to avoid this awkward situation you just shout: “EWWWW THAT BROTHER HAS COOTIES” and you run down the hall, flailing your arms in the air. Brothers, I’d tell you to imagine this situation but some of us already do it in real life.

In summary, believe in cooties. They are real.