TweetWritten by: Hamzah Moin Whenever I feel a writer’s block knockin’, I tend to turn …
Written by: Hamzah Moin
A lot of Muslims tell me not to read the comment section on blogs or newspaper articles. I say why not? It’s a breeding ground for stupidity and I want to be front and centre in all that stupidity. I decided to scour the web and picked out some interesting comments (as insane as they might sound, they are 100% real).
This particular piece focuses on Muslims apparently being violent. All of us. These are just 3 of bajillion comments about this. (Comments in bold are directly lifted from the quote)
We apparently have a secret military…
“No, the teachings are not the same [as Christianity]. Read about the crusades on wikipedia. Also while you’re there, check out some articles about islam and read up on what they actually believe in and how they operate.”
Yeah, nothing is more reputable than reading about a subject on Wikipedia.
I know a guy who once proposed to a girl through a Wikipedia article. It was the most romantic thing ever. The stupid Wikipedia moderators deleted the article before the girl could even see it and he still remains single as a result. Curses!
While you’re on Wikipedia, you should read these articles: Grow, a, Brain.
“You may be surprised to realize that islam is like a government and it actually has a military branch. Given this fact, it doesn’t surprise me the FBI is doing this.”
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold the duck up. Islam is a government? It has a military branch? The FBI is aware of this? What else can I italicize?
Since you have mastered Wikipedia, I’ll have to blindly agree with what you’re saying… and if so then AWESOME! I’d love to work for this whole secret military branch thing. It’d be sweet to put on my résumé. How do I join? How does it even work?
“Cadet Abdullah, fire the nukes on Christianity! Then after that, let’s blow away Rastafarianism… those guys are way too chilled out all the time. Then the Jews.”
“Uh, sir… we don’t have any nukes and we can’t exactly fire bombs on a religion.”
“Shut your word hole Sgt. Abdullah! Your very questioning of my orders undermines our entire government.”
“Uh, sir… I combed through every single source of Islamic law and I can’t find for the life of me where it says our religion is secretly a government or even has a military branch.”
“You fool! It’s clearly written in the Wikipedia article. Diiiiiismissed!”
“Dismissed from what? I’m still confused. I just came here to pray Asr.”
Concentration camps are apparently the answer…
Muslims are a real threat in the USA. I think they should all be in concentration camps in the US like Japs in WW2. Then we wouldn’t have 911.”
Wait, why wouldn’t you want 911? I’d die without 911…
“Sir, I finished rounding off the last bit of Muslims into all those concentration camps.”
“Excellent, now get me a glass of -HUNNNNNGHHH”
“Sir! Are you okay?! It sounds like you’re having a heart attack”
“I can’t sir. By putting all the Muslims in those concentration camps 911 has stopped working for some reason… I can’t call anyone.”
“Islam is a disease and Muslims are the tools.”
Honestly, you could have went with “Islam is a disease and Muslims are the mosquitos carrying the disease”. I hate giving Islamophobes tips but but you simply suck at this. I also don’t understand the ‘tools’ part. Unless you were going with “Islam is a workbench and Muslims are the tools” but I think that would make even less sense. Either way, you’re a tool.
“We Americans need the CIA and FBI because if we didn’t have these people [Muslims] could take over – Just like the bomber who had a bomb in his shoe, underware [sic]- he made it bad for everyone flying – now we are strip searched”
Whoa, whoa. I’d go into the whole obligatory Muslim-joke-at-the-airport bit but come on… the only people that have it worse than Muslims at airports are people who are dressing up as Muslims for Halloween or white people with big beards who aren’t wearing Santa hats.
If you’re not Muslims and are getting strip-searched then you probably “accidentally” packed a suitcase filled with guns, knives and/or bombs or you literally asked the officer to strip-search you… and I’m not gonna ask how that conversation went. There are better ways to get free massages.
“- you may be an innocent person who feels the same way about terrorists but because you are Muslim you are going down just the same way. want to avoid that? Change your religion. Don’t wear a turbin. Don’t be Muslim – be american and in your home be whatever you want.”
So many pieces of conflicting advice. I’m sure this bigot was sincere. He just wants whats best for us… a strip-search free lifestyle. First he says to change our religion and not be Muslim. Check… let me try Sikhism. But then he says to not wear a turban… damn! Now what?! Then he says I should be American but then says I can be whatever I want at home.
But wait! Why should I be outwardly American then at home I have a completely separate but secret identity? That smells an awful lot like Batman to me. And Batman has severe psychological issues.
Which leads to believe that EVERY American must live a double-life and are NOT REALLY AMERICAN at home… maybe all these Americans are secretly Muslim? Hot damn. This is gonna be a huge panic. I better call 911… oh wait.
If we’re in charge, we have two options:
“If we go over to live in their country they would laugh or kill us, its time to
send them back where they came from or what the heck give a inch take a few hundred thousand more feet. It is sick what a screwed up country thanks to our govt”
Wait a minute… are we really that bi-polar? You mean to say if we have our own fictional Muslim country and you were to have citizenship in our country that we would come over to your house, ring your doorbell, and our two choices would be to either 1) Laugh at you for an unknown reason or 2) Kill you.
I have to say, if you know the situation is like that then just don’t answer the door. Getting killed sucks but getting laughed at can really hurt your feelings.