TweetWritten by: Hamzah Moin What do older retired masjid uncles and your distant relatives have …
Written by: Hamzah Moin
Ever since the internet was invented, weenies and nerds everywhere rejoiced for acquiring the ability to say what they wanted behind the safety of a computer screen. No longer did they have to mumble or awkwardly get through a sentence when expressing their opinion. They now had the ability to say what they wanted to their hearts content! Everyone is at the same playing field on the internet… well, unless you can’t read. In which case, I’m not sure how you’re reading this.
The downside was that the internet gave people a bit TOO much courage. Things started being said in the virtual world that would never be said in the real world. Thus, E-Courage was born. Let’s take a look at the different instances of E-Courage and the types of weenies that use it.
Online Romeo + Juliet
Ah, the online love life. So much love in the virtual air. Have you ever met anyone that were in a situation like this:
Only to have an online conversation turn into something like this:
Talha: Oh. My. God. That was such an amazing Salam.
Zuleikha: I KNOW! I didn’t think you saw me but you TOTALLY did.
Talha: I know… lol. I would have said something more but my dad was RIGHT THERE. I lowered my gaze but I know you looked cute.
Zuleikha: Awww you’re so cute my little Teetu.
Talha: That’s not the best nickname for me but LOL thanks. I think I’m in love with you.
Zuleikha: I can’t wait for us to meet again. We are soooo soul mates.
Then when the two “lovers” meet each other next, it’s something along the lines of this again?
Yeah. I seen it too. If Mr. Romeo or Ms. Juliet cannot even read their love-fueled chat transcripts in real life, then that should raise some flags. Unless you always imagined communicating with your future spouse solely through Facebook or instant messaging… then go ahead and marry ‘em. Domestic disputes could actually be a lot of fun… especially with everyone writing in CAPS LOCK.
Imagine the feeling of talking to your one true love behind a keyboard without worrying about pesky things like brushing your teeth and leaving the house. Just pray the power doesn’t go out. Then you’ll be forced to actually have a real personality. Scary.
You know, I’m all for enjoining the good, forbidding the evil. I love it. People forbid all sorts of evil that I do because I do evil things time to time like littering or tailgating old people while driving. But I like when people stop me. At least, I like it when people give me Nasiha (advice) in real life. It seems more, well, real.
Don’t get me wrong. I like the occasional Virtual Nasiha too. But it’s hard to take it seriously when people ignore opportunities in real life for a good ol’ fashion counselin’ and decide to instead do it behind a computer screen because that’s oh-so sincere.
Check this out… fresh from my inbox (well not really):
I’VE KNOWN YOU FOR TWENTY YEARS AND IT DISAPPOINTS ME WHEN YOU CONTINUOUSLY DO THINGS AND SAY THINGS THAT ARE MEAN. YOU HURT MY FEELINGS. THIS IS A SERIOUS ISSUE. I THOUGHT WE WERE FRIENDS. I’M NEVER GOING TO INVITE YOU TO MY SLUMBER PARTY EVER AGAIN.
YOUR ON-AGAIN, OFF-AGAIN BFF
Here’s a tip for people: unless you’re a dictator of a war-mongering country, don’t settle your differences online. Use things like your mouth and the logic part of your brain to talk things out and communicate. Although it’s five syllables, communication can be easy to learn.
If you are unsure about how to exactly settle things or give counsel in the scary world that is real life then perhaps you can YouTube a video. That’s how I learned many valuable life lessons like how to tie a necktie and how to milk a cow or goat (you never know when you’ll need a nice cold glass of milk).
Speaking of YouTube…
YouTube was awesome when it came out. People could share ideas and communicate with one another when discussing a video.
However YouTube is one of the most popular sites on the internet and it allowed people that should normally stay away from computers to interact with each other. The result? A freakshow salad of idiots.
Here is an example of a typical comment section on YouTube. It doesn’t matter which video you watch, they all end the same. This particular comment section was about a video of a panda staring into the camera.
If you ever feel the need to drop IQ points or wonder what it feels like to be on the same intellectual level as Rush Limbaugh, Ann Coulter or their fans, read some YouTube comments.
Humans love to debate. It’s only natural.
The debating that happens on the internet is far from human though. It’s almost as if mutants or zombies were given access to the internet and instead of eating your brain physically, they’ll eat your brain by wasting all your brainpower on useless arguments like “Deobandi Vs Barelwi… which unnecessary baggage from Southern Asia do you cling more to and why?” or “A Layperson’s Guide to the Direction of Allah” or “Maniac Muslim is part of the illuminati”
After becoming seasoned debater you’ll realize that majority of online zombies actually cannot debate in real life because they either a) have the debating skills of a parrot or b) don’t have access to Wikipedia and thus, have no knowledge on any subject that they would otherwise be online experts with.
Exhibit A: An Online “Debate”
Exhibit B: Same participants in debate, but IRL (the scary, real world)
And that’s why: Muslims with personalities > Muslims with e-personalities.