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CHICAGO — Tensions rose at Masjid Devon last night when an elderly man took a knee to his head after the ‘eight rakat exit crowd’ took their usual leave.
“Those guys had it in for me,” said Qaiser Jilani, 71. “Last night I told them to keep it down and lo and behold I get a swift knee to my head.” Jilani refused medical treatment, despite twelve doctors in the crowd advising him to do so.
The perpetrator of the incident, Dr. Hassan Shah, 34, insisted that it was a complete accident. “I’m somewhat of a professional when it comes to climbing over people after prayer to beeline it to the exit… his head just happened to be in the way of my knee. The guy is just an 8-Rakat-Crew hater.”
The 8-Rakat-Crew was a new club founded by Dr. Shah to ensure safe passage of those leaving after eight rakats of prayer. “Ten years ago, when I wanted to leave after eight rakats I was condescendingly judged by people like Uncle Qaiser to feel inadequate. It was like we were girls in middle school. Today, more than two thirds of the masjid leaves with me.”
Jilani, founder of the Original-20-Squad, denies there is any animosity. “I don’t care if they do eight, eighty, seven and a half… I just want them to leave quietly.”
Brother Qaiser had noted that many hooligans in the 8-Rakat-Crew simply hung around the foyer to loudly talk about things they wish they could do in Ramadan like drinking coffee in the morning or swearing. “One time for the entire prayer the only thing I could hear were their plans to go to some shisha bar to eat these sub-par shawarmas for sahoor. I hate them and their stupid shawarmas.”
Dr. Shah has gotten used to Jilani’s condescending attitude. “He’s just really injury prone. One time he sprained his neck because his head got caught underneath someone’s thobe during prayer. Another time someone smashed his face in with their butt during a tight prayer. I think he got a black eye from it.”
The community still remains heavily divided from the incident. “Honestly, you can’t please everyone,” said Imam Mohammad Mufta, “I think it’s time to come to a consensus to end this sticky conflict once and for all.”
Next Ramadan, Masjid Devon will be trying something new to please both camps: 14 rakats. “It’s six more for the 8-Rakat-Crew and six less for the Original-20-Squad so I figure it’s a good compromise,” explained the Imam. “We plan on settling the Eid debate the same way by picking a day that nobody wants.”