Four Dead in Hijabi Massacre

Written by: Hamzah Moin

Montreal – In breaking news, four people have died in hijabi-related choking incidents on the weekend during a soccer tournament.
“I knew this would happen,” said Keith Johnson, a senior referee in the Girls under 12 Soccer Tournament, “wasn’t it a good idea to ban the hijab or what? I knew these kids would be dying left and right if we kept it in the game.”

Farah Al-Jabbar has pleaded guilty on all accounts of manslaughter. “I didn’t think my scarf was that deadly.” Farah has agreed to spend the summer in the Juvenile Delinquents Correctional facility to fix her murderous habits. “I deserve it I guess… getting killed on the field makes the game unfun for other girls.” She will play the rest of the season.

Apparently during the tournament, Farah’s hijab sprang to life and started smothering all the other players on the opposing team, choking four of them to death.

Farah Al-Jabbar’s father was also asked to shave his beard because the referees were worried that he could accidentally cut and disfigure other people’s faces in the spectator area with his beard. “We also watch out for the safety of our spectators as well,” said Johnson, “and I heard reports of people using their beards as knives to slash and stab people. It’s completely unsafe.”

Mr. Al-Jabbar complied with the referees. “I think things like religious freedom should be put away if it makes people uncomfortable. We need to make people feel safe of course because people with beards can be scary.”

Having religious symbols banned for safety reasons isn’t really exclusive to Muslims. Last Summer, a Christian-based team called the Charestville Crusaders were asked to stop praying before the game. “Apparently we could poke an eye out if we raise our hands in the air so we were asked to stop praying before the game. We now have a 14 game losing streak but that’s okay… safety first.”