TweetWritten by: Hamzah Moin “Husband… do you want to check out that new Halal Thai …
Written by: Hamzah Moin
Everywhere I go I see boring board games made by Muslims. Muslim Trivia this. Islamic Quiz that. Why must we bore our Muslim children to death with such uninspired board games? Who thought it would be a good idea to use our brains?
Throw those brains away! I’ve invented some of the best Muslim board games EVER. These would sell like hot cakes. I was inspired by hit board games of today!
UH OH! A motorized shirk-spouting shark is behind you. The key to this game is to roll the dice and avoid the shark before he screws up your Aqeeda. Unfortunately many shirk-sharks exist in our mosques, biting our heads off with their insanity-laced rants on the minbar.
Research indicates that shirk attacks are much deadlier than shark attacks.
Guess Who (Niqabi Edition)
I’ve always felt the original Guess Who was made for idiots. I mean I could always guess the dude within 3 or 4 questions. Unless I’m playing with an anthropology major in which case they always purposely throw off my questioning “Anthropologically speaking nobody is really white.” “Anthropologically speaking we are all wearing glasses in a way.” Drives me insane.
That’s why a much harder Guess Who was released for Muslims… a Niqabi edition. This is pretty much how it worked before the cell phone era and you had a Niqabi wife that you had to meet after a conference. “Excuse me… do you wear glasses?” “Excuse me… do you have curly hair?” “Excuse me… are you my wife?”
This game is great practice for those with a Niqabi spouse.
You live in a community that for some reason has 40 mosques… all created for either ethnic or ideological reasons.
You realize that someone needs to take control of all these mosques… to create a MONOPOLY if you will. Everyone united under one community … probably the only time in history when having a monopoly is a good thing.
It’s just like the actual game of Monopoly but with a few clever twists!
The jail is actually the sisters section.
Railroads are now forbidden parking spots (in real-life everyone tends to ignore the forbidden aspect and just park everywhere anyway)
Luxury tax is now a mysterious youth fund … I mean every fundraising dinner I go to I hear the fundraiser shout something about “Donate for the youth!” but the closest thing to a youth program was to mow the masjid’s lawn or help the masjid president move out of his townhouse.
Anyway, this game totally rocks.
I’m always hearing of reports of morons who make a living selling out Muslims, thinking they’re doing something noble by reporting “suspicious” Muslims to the Feds. I’m all for stopping terrorism but being a rat doesn’t count as being pre-emptive before “terror strikes”. It’s a band-aid solution. True terror is stopped by real education. Or a punch to the gut.
But unfortunately our mosques are crawling with wussy rats so we need a game of zany action… a game with a crazy contraption … a game where the fun is catching… INFORMANT TRAP. Now THAT’s awesome.
As a Muslim, I always have to look over my shoulder when playing Jenga in public. I mean one of the most fun aspects of the game is to finally see your shoddy tower crumble and to shout “ALLAHUAKBAR” when that’s happening will really turn some heads.
I mean Jenga isn’t really realistic anyway. Why would anyone on earth remove a section from the 5th story and put it on top of the huge building? I mean I can see the UAE doing that… just to set some dumb world record like “Real Life Jenga Building” or to just make some poor Bengali workers do something for the sake of doing something but usually Jenga just isn’t practical.
That’s why true Muslims practice Anti-Jenga… the game where you just build and build until a structural engineer tells you to stop because it’s becoming unsafe. It’s a boring game but oh well. Because real Muslims build towers… not crumble them.