TweetWritten by: Hamzah Moin The washroom/bathroom is already an awkward place for me. I mean …
Being a hafiz is pretty cool. You got the entire Qur’an in your head so you can spit out verses without having to pull out any massive book or a smartphone app to check out a verse.
But what if you take all the best ones and put them on a single team together? Introducing:
Leadoff Hitter Hafiz
Rakats Read: Isha prayer
Qirat Style: Smooth like smooth peanut butter
Scouting Report: Nothing like a dedicated Isha specialist hafiz. They’ll start your evening off with a bang.
He often uses a “previously, at Taraweeh prayers ” type prologue to recite the last few verses from last night’s Taraweeh, to bring people up to speed… especially those part of the 8-rakat exit squad.
Some Isha specialists / Leadoff hitters wish to show their hafiz prowess by sneaking in some of the Taraweeh recitation. Some Hafiz All-Stars might feel the Leadoff Hitter is broaching on their turf… usually the Not-So-Humble Hafiz has these thoughts.
Contact Hitter / Not-So-Humble Hafiz
Rakats Read: 1-4
Qirat Style: Loud
Scouting Report: If the Not-So-Humble Hafiz had it his way, he’d lead every prayer on earth and hog the imam mantle forever.
He was the bully during hifz school and mocked those who knew less Surahs than him and occasionally gave people wedgies. When the hifz teacher said it wasn’t really a competition he only proceeded to give more wedgies.
Luckily, they are a rare breed.
Three-Hole Veteran Hafiz
Rakats Read: 5-10
Qirat Style: Majestic
Scouting Report: The Veteran Hafiz typically takes the most rakats. He has a huge fan following and there are Facebook groups dedicated to him.
Non-Muslims walking by the mosque and hearing his voice usually embrace Islam after a few seconds. Muslims typically re-embrace Islam after hearing it.
Bands have tried recruiting him to no avail.
He’s going places. Probably Jannah insha’Allah.
Rakats Read: 11-14
Qirat Style: Ferrari
Scouting Report: Despite people really enjoying the Veteran Hafiz’s voice and style, they still are completionists and want to finish the entire Qur’an during the month of Ramadan. At the rate the Veteran Hafiz is going, they’d be lucky to have finished the first juz of the Qur’an by Eid.
That’s where the Clean-up Hafiz comes in. His clock-speed has been reported to be as high as 5 juz an hour. You won’t really understand him and you hope he’s reciting Arabic.
Some people have been reported to get nosebleeds due the inertia of his recitation style.
Position: 5th (Corrector)
Rakats Read: Just corrects their mistakes
Qirat Style: Ambitious
Scouting Report: The corrector has something prove. He wants in the line-up and wants in sometime during this Ramadan.
Despite being a hafiz, he’s been relegated as a main corrector. He’s basically the permanent understudy for all the reciters.
When an imam does make a mistake, the Corrector will correct him as loudly as humanly possible, often frightening small children and some small men.
Sometimes his correctional habits will slip into his everyday life. He’d constantly try to correct his wife’s cooking which resulted in a lot of couch-sleeping. It’s been rumoured that he tries to correct his dreams if he spots a mistake.
Rakats Read: 15-16
Qirat Style: Humble
Scouting Report: Many people are unaware that the Humble Hafiz is in fact a hafiz. When you ask him how much Qur’an he knows he’d reply with “I know a few Surahs” and it’s only after you press seven or eight times he’d reveal that he “Sort of knows the entire Qur’an”.
When people line-up to pray, he’s usually found in the back as most humble people tend to hang out back there. When you insist that he lead the prayer he’d simply put his hand over his heart and look down smiling.
This usually results in a lot of confusion for about five minutes before the prayer could even begin.
Rakats Read: ?
Qirat Style: Um?
Scouting Report: When someone asks, “is there a Hafiz in the crowd?” before a prayer could begin, nobody expects an earring-clad Bollywood hero to raise his hand.
The only proof of him being a hafiz is his driver’s license: it’s his first name. This is what causes a lot of confusion.
Some people in the crowd, usually sisters, make 70 excuses for him whenever he does lead the prayer and deep down believe he’s an actual hafiz. So far, he has only recited Surat Al-Ikhlas and Surat Al-Asr.
“But maybe he just really loves those Surahs… what’s wrong with that?” they say.
Rakats Read: 17-20
Qirat Style: Cute
Scouting Report: Awwwww. That’s usually what the crowd says when the Newbie Hafiz steps up to the plate.
He does have some detractors. Some claim he’s still too young to lead and demand to see his long-form birth certificate.
Fans of Newbie Hafiz insist he is past the age of puberty and his pre-pubescent sounding voice is just his style.
Nobody really knows except that everyone can agree that he’s adorable.
Witr Closer Hafiz
Rakats Read: Witr
Qirat Style: Epic
Scouting Report: The Witr Closer has an important job: they can close the night in the most epic way possible. They are usually the ones responsible for the dua.
Since there’s a bit of free-styling involved, the Witr Closer is usually great at improvising and rolling with the punches.
Some of his most famous duas during witr include:
– “Help those suffering around the world”
– “Help the single Muslim males”
– “Allow me to find a wife”