TweetWritten by: Hamzah Moin Once upon a time, there lived three Haram pigs on the …
Written by: Hamzah Moin
HOGWARTS MSA MINUTES
Attendees at meeting: Farooq (President), Abdul Wahab (Vice President), Sophia (Secretary), Raza (Treasurer)
1. Low numbers
2. Khutbah problems
3. Segregation issues
4. Islamic Awareness Week
Farooq clutched his long beard as he jogged down the corridors, carefully avoiding the prefects as he crept along the shadows. He knew planning late night meetings would be risky but he knew deep-down that all the risks were worth it. “Six years of HARAM,” Farooq thought to himself, “will soon come to an end inshAllah!”
Naturally being the president of the Muslim Students Association at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry would raise some eyebrows amongst students but Farooq was confident that he and his MSA Executive would spread Islam at Hogwarts. They even found a permanent meeting place late at night which really aided their endeavours.
Farooq was gasping for breath as he reached the Room of Requirement. He stared at the door and concentrated. “I need a room for an MSA Meeting” he thought to himself. “Bismillah” he said aloud as he walked into the room, right foot first. He smirked when he saw the greatest MSA meeting room before him, already filled with the entire Muslim population of the school: Raza, Abdul Wahab and Sophia.
Raza seems to be the “utterly confused” type and often forgets why he bothered attending Hogwarts in the first place. He is a lousy at magic and he often forgets the terminology of the wizardly world. Whenever he doesn’t understand something he tends to scrunch his nose like a bunny, perhaps as a way to psychologically help him remember something. Most other witches and wizards usually make fun of his nose scrunching.
Abdul Wahab was known to be more of the rogue type. He cursed himself when he found out he got accepted into the Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry and vowed never to use magic. He also curses at all the children at school that use magic and throws rocks at anyone who flies near him with a broom. Magic seems to have no affect on Abdul Wahab and he savagely beats up anyone who attempts to hex him. He also has a really long beard and crumbs of food often get stuck in there. He sometimes keeps extra quills in his beard for emergency use.
Sophia on the other hand, is a polar opposite to Abdul Wahab. She seems to take a liberal interpretation of magic and uses it freely, much to Abdul Wahab’s dismay. She also wears pink and has a crush on nearly every boy in the Gryffindor house. Abdul Wahab has repeatedly told her that she is going to hell but Sophia thinks Abdul Wahab is just playing hard-to-get. Her favourite subject is Potions and she likes to wear bright pink sparkly hijabs a lot.
“Well, well, well… look who decides to show up” sneered Abdul Wahab, the Vice President of MSA.
“Sorry I’m late,” panted Farooq, “Peeves started throwing rotten apples at me again.”
“Who the crap is Peeves?” chimed in Raza.
“A mischievous jinn” sneered Abdul Wahab again.
“What the crap?” replied Raza as he scrunched his nose like a bunny.
Farooq wiped the sweat off his glasses. He knew managing the MSA Executive at Hogwarts was going to be tough but he was confident. He knew Islam could spread all over this school someday. He stood up and started his meeting. “Assalamu Alaikum. Look I know we haven’t made much progress these last few months but I think we should be optimistic! We’re the LARGEST religious club at Hogwarts and-”
“Obviously” interrupted Abdul Wahab as his lips curled, “we’re the ONLY religious club in this school.”
“Hey how many Muslims are there at campus?” questioned the oblivious Raza.
“Uhhh four… the people in this room makes up the entire Muslim population at Hogwarts” explained Farooq.
“What a charming group of individuals.” sneered Abdul Wahab sarcastically.
“How many Jews are there at Hogwarts?” asked Raza, his nose showing signs of scrunching.
Sophia opened her mouth to say something but instead started to tuck some loose hair under her hijab.
“Two… but they’re pretty high up. I think they’re prefects and-”
“ISRAEL SCUM!” shouted Abdul Wahab.
“Hey, I think Neville Longbottom is interested in Islam. Salaaam Neville teehee.” giggled Sophia as she buzzed in her with her two cents.
“Who the crap is Neville?” Raza asked.
“Some magic-using, plant-loving kafir” scoffed Abdul Wahab, as his lips curled even more.
Farooq shook his head at this executive. “Are these the only Muslims in school?” Farooq hopelessly thought to himself. He wanted a QUALITY executive, not just random Muslims who were on the Muslim Students Association just because of their name. He sighed to himself. “Okay ummmm, Sophia. What’s the first thing on the agenda?”
Sophia’s eyes lit up and got out her wand. “Agendum Patronum” she chanted as a puff of smoke formed into letters indicating the meeting’s agenda for that particular night.
“ASTAGIFRULLAH. WHY ARE YOU COMMITTING SHIRK AT THE MEETING?”
“What?” replied a confused Sophia.
“Couldn’t you just write the damn thing down on paper like normal people you stupid git” jeered Abdul Wahab.
“Well I’m not normal I-”
“That’s common knowledge” sneered Abdul Wahab.
“Would you stop sneering!” sneered Sophia. “As I was saying I’m BEYOND normal. I’m a witch!”
“Hey guys can we just focus on the agenda and-”
“ASTAGFIRUALLAH!” shouted Abdul Wahab, “you are a MUSLIMAH you got that? MAGIC IS HARAM.”
“Gee, maybe you should have seen the fine print when you signed the dotted line when agreeing to come to this school. I think it said HOGWARTS: SCHOOL OF WITCHCRAFT AND WIZARDRY. Oh did I say fine print? I meant the title!”
“Ouch! Scoffed!” instigated Raza.
“LOL nice one Sophia” said Farooq the President.
“Lahowala kuwata illabilla. You think Harry Potter is hot? Hell is hotter.” said Abdul Wahab.
Farooq stood up again and shouted at everyone to calm down. Sophia and Abdul Wahab usually butted heads but today was a really bad day for them both. “Okay looks like we sort of went over the first part about low Muslim numbers at Hogwarts so we’ll move onto item two: khutbah problems.”
“I LOVED the khutbah” beamed Sophia.
“Of course you would you dumb git,” grumbled Abdul Wahab, “it was entirely unislamic.”
Raza looked around and squinted before he started speaking, “I liked Sheikh Dumbledore’s khutbah and-”
“SHEIKH Dumbledore? He’s not even a sheikh!” shouted Abdul Wahab, “HELL HE’S NOT EVEN MUSLIM. THE ENTIRE KHUTBAH WAS FILLED WITH MAGIC.”
“But his beard is bigger than yours…” replied Raza.
“I know mashAllah he has a nice beard that’s fist-length for an ogre but that doesn’t give him sole khateeb rights.”
“Ogres? Aren’t they on Saruman’s side? Ents are on our side right?” quizzed Raza, nose scrunching into bunny-form once again.
The three burst out in laughter.
“HAHAHA! Saruman is in Lord of the Rings!” bellowed Sophia, as she laughed the tears out of her eyes.
“HOHOHO! You read too much fantasy!” bellowed Abdul Wahab, as he laughed the tears off his nose.
“HEHEHE! Ents are fictional silly!” bellowed Farooq, as tears tricked down his chin, “…but elves are real… and trolls and unicorns and vampires and fairies and moving paintings but Saruman and Ents!? LOL they’re fake.”
“Oh now I understand” said Raza.
“So Abdul Wahab,” said Farooq as he glared mischievously at him, “why do you dislike Sheikh Dumbledore’s khutbah again?”
“Well,” began Abdul Wahab as he gave a deep breath, “several reasons. First he isn’t really Muslim. You mind as well get Santa Claus to do a khutbah because it means the same thing”
“You know he sort of looks like Santa and-”
“Second,” pressed Abdul Wahab, “you can’t do a khutbah that talks about why magic is permissible. You mind as well say that it’s permissible to walk around naked.” Raza blushed like a tomato-like bunny.
“Third,” added Abdul Wahab, “not only is he saying magic is permissible but he performed magic IN the khutbah.”
“Oh come on! It was so cool when he roared like a cow!” beamed Sophia. “COWS DON’T ROAR YOU DUMB GIT” shouted Abdul Wahab.
“I guess you know a lot about the sounds of a cow” snapped Sophia.
“That doesn’t even make any sense” sneered Abdul Wahab.
“Ouch. Scoffed!” replied Raza.
Farooq stood up again, wiping the sweat off his glasses. “ORDER! ORDER! Clearly this isn’t going anywhere. I’ll talk to Sheikh Dumbledore to see if there are any other Muslim professors around. In the meantime we’ll have to settle with him. Let’s move right along. Sophia what’s next thing on the agenda?”
Sophia glanced up at the agenda that was floating in the air. “Segregation issues at Hogwarts”
Abdul Wahab’s eyes lit up. “OH! THIS ONE IS REALLY IMPORTANT. STUPID FEMALES.”
Sophia opened her mouth to say something but started to adjust her hijab instead.
Farooq decided to finally give his two cents. “I have to agree that there are segregation issues at Hogwarts. I’m on the Quidditch team and lowering my gaze whenever females fly by you gets difficult and I’ve fallen off my broom several times.”
“Why are you playing such a kufr game?” grilled Abdul Wahab.
“Dawah I guess” snorted Farooq.
“What the crap is Quidditch?” asked Raza.
“LOL you’re such a Squib Raza.” snickered Sophia.
“What the crap is a Squib?” asked Raza, scrunching his nose this time.
“I’m trying to persuade the administration to keep the Quidditch matches segregated but I don’t think they’re budging.”
“Astagifurallah. Forget segregating Quidditch. JUST BAN IT. It’s filled with Haram magic. Astagfirullah.” grumbled Abdul Wahab.
“Why on earth did you come to Hogwarts anyway?” retorted Sophia.
“After seeing how some of the kids turned out in Islamic school, I think I have a better chance at Hogwarts” sneered Abdul Wahab.
“That’s true” said Sophia.
“And what about this stupid Yule Ball this year,” added Abdul Wahab, “it’s filled with fitnah, fitnah, fitnah and even more fitnah. Astagfirullah.”
Sophia giggled to herself as she dreamt that Neville Longbottom would ask her out one day.
“Well why not just ignore the Yule Ball?” asked Farooq.
“It is our duty in Islam to enjoin the good and forbid the evil!” barked Abdul Wahab.
“I want to ask out that Cho girl. Cha-Cho-Ching!” said Raza as his face lit up like a bunny.
Abdul Wahab raised his eyebrows then shut his eyes as he put his hands in the air. He made dua for the destruction of Hogwarts.
“ORDER! ORDER!” shouted Farooq as he wiped his glasses once again. “We just have one last thing on the agenda and I promise not to hold any more meetings this semester as it seems a lot us are buckling under the pressure of exams.”
Sophia glanced up at the agenda and read off the last item on it, “Islamic Awareness Week”.
Abdul Wahab finished his dua and stared grimly at Sophia. “I can’t see how IAW will work if the Muslims and especially the Muslimahs lack the basic fundamentals of this religion.”
Sophia opened her mouth to speak but started to tie her shoe laces.
Savouring the insult, Abdul Wahab continued, “I think it’s time we show this school why magic is REALLY Haram.”
“But we have to stop that Shaitaan … he-who-must-not-be-named!” pleaded Sophia.
“We can’t stop Haram with Haram! We must use the Qur’an and Sunnah!” “But how?” asked the nose-scruncher.
Abdul Wahab opened his mouth to speak but started to stroke his beard.
Farooq frowned. “Maybe if you make a whole campaign saying that Muslims are against Voldemort-”
“DON’T SAY HIS NAME” screamed Sophia.
“Err— the-dark-one … that Muslims are against the-dark-one and-”
“We’re not racist… we love black people.” chimed in Abdul Wahab.
“No no, I mean Vol… the dark… the EVIL one dammit!” shouted Farooq. “If we show the world that Muslims are against evil stuff then maybe people can look at Islam with a more positive outlook.”
“Perhaps have the most attractive people at the dawah booth” suggested Abdul Wahab, somehow implicitly referring to himself.
“Well that rules you out” sneered Sophia.
“I think we should have cookies from Honeydukes at our dawah booth” suggested Raza.
“I think we should have a Muslim version of the sorting hat” proposed Farooq.
“What the crap is a sorting hat?” asked the scrunchy-nosed Raza.
“I thought that bloody thing would eat me LOL. CHOMP CHOMP Hahaha.” added in Sophia.
“Too bad it didn’t” snarled Abdul Wahab as his lips curled.
“I said WHAT THE CRAP is a sorting hat?” asked Raza, his nose scrunching even more now.
Sophia cleared her throat and started to explain, “Basically it’s that hat that gets put on your head in first year and it tells you which house you should be in.”
“Oh… I was a Gryffindor” explained Raza.
Sophia’s eyes lit up. “Really?”
“Why on earth am I a Slytherin?” asked Abdul Wahab.
“So what do you think of a Muslim sorting hat Abdul Wahab?” asked Farooq again.
“It’s neat… we can place it on people’s heads and it will shout ‘MUSLIM!’ or ‘KAFIR!’”
“That’s pretty stupid! Only Allah (SWT) can judge who is Muslim or Kafir! Not some dumb hat!” shouted Sophia.
“Oh? So says the magic-wielding cow!”.
“You son of a-”
“COW! Career Oriented Woman. You want to be a Halal witch right?”
“Arright this isn’t getting anywhere at all… the goal for the next meeting is convert somebody at Hogwarts and bring them with you” ordered Farooq.
“Dibs on Cho” snickered Raza.
“Dibs on Neville” snickered Sophia.
“Dibs on Sophia because she has done so much kufr this meeting that she is practically not Muslim anymore” snickered Abdul Wahab.
“LOL you’re funny” replied Sophia.
And so they all walked out of the Room of Requirement and crept back into their respective houses. What will happen next week at Hogwarts for the Muslims? NOBODY KNOWS.