Inside the MSA

Written by: Hamzah Moin
It doesn’t matter what the name of the Muslim organization is at your university/college … they all have the same face and characters. These characters are what makes the MSA (Muslim Students’ Association) or Islamic Societies what they are.

Here’s a breakdown.

The Hardcore Guy

Do you ever have that guy at your school that makes you feel like you are going to hell? Well that’s what The Hardcore Guy does. Everything you do and breathe is probably Haram according to him so just accept it.

Once I saw someone praying with long pants on and The Hardcore Guy started rolling up his pants in the MIDDLE of prayer. He also slapped a kufi on his head. Needless to say I haven’t seen that brother around anymore. Hardcore Guys tend to talk really loud and feel that arguing louder makes their point more correct.

Sometimes they go by the name Biddah Police or Fatwa Bandits.

I saw the Biddah Police in full force the other day when they tackled a guy to the ground, arrested him and threw him in the Biddahmobile (Dodge Caravan). His crime: eating Skittles.

The Gossip/Drama-Queen

Probably the most redundant character on this site. I got a lot of feedback with my other articles that is based off this character. Some of the feedback wasn’t rosey.

“lols u guys r a bit stewpid 2 tink dis way bout girlz k? thur r many smrt girlz out der”

“stupid article by stupid boys. you don’t know anything about girls you stupid boy. hey 1984 just called and they said they are missing stupid people from their stupid factory. how did you become so stupid stupid-head?”

“I hate you Hamzah Moin. How are you going to get married if you always insult girls and make it seem that all they think about is marriage?”

Right.

On the flip side, I’ve seen guys who are worthy of the title “Drama-Queen”. That’s a bit disturbing.

The Ignored

He or she talks.
Nobody listens.

This continues for 4 years.

The Resident FOB

Say hello to the Resident FOB (for those who don’t know, FOB stands for “Fresh off the Boat”. These international students are new to the country and still haven’t adapted to the culture completely. The MSA FOB usually come in two flavours:

The South Asian Fob.

The Arab Fob.

The South Asian Fobs tend to stay together in libraries or computer labs. They usually bring food from their mom’s tupperware: biryani or salan. If there’s any sort of open space on campus, you’ll find a cricket match and Fobs heard screaming “Baago, baago” or “He’s out yaar!”. Curry fumes have also been reported.

The Arab Fobs are more energetic and hyper than their South Asian counterparts. If there is any open space of grass at your university, it will most likely be occupied by a game of soccer/futbol where the Arab Fobs could be heard screaming “ALLAHUAKBAR” or “WALLAHI I SCORED”

Because of the freedom of not living with their mother, FOBs tend to go a bit … extreme.

The Liberal


“She isn’t my girlfriend, really.”

The Sisterly-Brother

This one is really annoying. Well the Sisters probably find this one helpful but Brothers are usually very annoyed with him. You see, most MSAs tend to be somewhat segregated. Brothers do their thing while the Sisters do their thing. Yet there’s always that one brother who is usually with the Sisters more than the Brothers. Hey, I’ll give him 70 excuses. But when this brother eats with them, chats with them, studies with them, plays snooker with them, plays Dance Dance Revolution with them, plays Twister with … okay that’s enough.

I borrowed a cell-phone off one of these Sisterly-Brothers once and I “accidentally” looked through their address book. I scrolled past “Ali” and “Asim” and realized those were really “Aliya” and “Asima” in disguise. A bunch of other names on the list were like this too.

My point is that The Sisterly-Brother knows more about Sisters than he does Brothers and that’s a bit alarming. The Sisterly-Brother is usually a superstar volunteer at MSA events but for the wrong side. They’ll always find stupid excuses to go on the sisters side, even when the sister side is completely perfect and happy.

Take an example of this segregated iftaar event held by some random MSA. In one building the brothers are eating their food while in another building the sisters are doing their thing. Well look who decides to show up.

MEANWHILE, on the brothers side all HELL is breaking loose.

And where is The Sisterly-Brother when all this is happening? I think that’s obvious.

Someone needs to make sure that the Sisterly-Brother’s Y-Chromosome didn’t turn into an X.

The Hitch

This one sorta pisses me off.

Every once in awhile I have to have some obligatory chit-chat with a sister about school, etc and other completely Halal things. As soon as the sister scurries off, The Hitch comes out of nowhere and starts firing questions. Probably spying on me

“Hey who was THAT? WOW. Oh my God she is perfect. You and her man, you and her. Let me see if she isn’t taken. I think this is it man. OMG this is perfect!”
“That was a guy with long hair.”
“Oh.”


So have fun matching people in your MSA with this list. I’m sure every MSA has one of these characters. Unfortunately.

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