Juma Woes

Written by: Hamzah Moin

I look forward to going to Juma prayers every Friday. It’s a chance for me to meet all my friends who are cooped in the library studying for some odd Engineering exam or they are too busy in a science lab, cheating off their peers.

Yes, Juma is a time where we all cram together in one room and listen to an inspiring khutbah. Unfortunately the khutbahs can range from outstanding to just plain “what-the-hell-was-that?”. The Khateebs are also very colourful at times. Here are the different types of Khateebs you might see.

The Broken English Khateeb

Well it’s not really Arabic, and it’s not really English. Basically it’s a bastardization of both languages. The only thing anyone will understand is the “Assalamu Alaikum” at the beginning and the occasional grunts and screams.

The Under-FBI-Watch Khateeb

This Khateeb is the most extreme. One too many conspiracy theories and questionable topics in khutbah (ie. Jews are better pilots than Muslims, Christmas promotes hatred etc.)

You’ll notice that a Khateeb is under FBI watch by seeing a lot more “white converts who wear black suits” in the crowd. Coincidentally, all these converts have shades on. The black suits remain at these khutbahs until the Khateeb speaks about friendlier topics (ie. Love everybody, Love animals etc.)

The Angry Khateeb

It appears this Khateeb woke up on the wrong side of the bed in the morning. Perhaps he stubbed his toe on the way to Juma or he spilt coffee on his thobe? Perhaps he entered the mosque with his left foot or filled up his lota with scorching hot water? It is unknown what makes an angry khateeb so angry but it’s most likely due to a sequence of regrettable events.

The angry khateeb also likes to point at things when giving his talk. Basically he’ll point at random people in the crowd and proceed to scream at the top of his lungs. Once he pointed at me and screamed that if I don’t watch my wife too closely or if I commit adultery then I’ll go to hell or something. Now I’m not married so my first reaction was to blush and I was flattered that he thought I was a married man. Another quizzical thing about this was that I was only 12 years old when this incident happened. Gosh, getting married young is quite the controversial subject.

The Marry-Your-Kids-Early Khateeb

This particular Khateeb has a fascination to have the youth married off at an early age. He looks at school calendars and checks which days are school holidays and volunteers to make khutbahs on that day. He talks about how pornography is haram and that marrying the youth is the best thing for this ummah.

Now getting married right out of high school is a bit extreme for me but this khateeb says that if you got hormones, you gotta get them in control. The only halal way to control them is to marry that cute girl in your biology class or that handsome boy you see in the cafeteria at lunch. No time to get to know them…get married NOW!

The We-Suck-Today-But-Our-Past-Was-Awesome Khateeb

This is the standard Khateeb. He highlights obvious points about how today we are lacking and our past was awesome. No…better than awesome. Outstandingly astonishing. But today we’re in the pits. The Khateeb will go on and on about how much we suck and describe that the main reason we’re going downhill is because our kids aren’t married or because of America holding Islam down or something.

This Khateeb will also talk about how Muslims invented all sorts of gizmos and gadgets. It’ll all start off with algebra and chemistry but it’ll move on to other things like microwaves, automobiles, the wheel… I guess we invented the entire world and more.

The Khateeb will then finish off how we will one day take over Rome and Islam will be glorious as the conquest of Rome is one of the signs of the Day of Judgment. Obviously it’ll happen but the FBI agents in the crowd just raise their eyebrows. The Coliseum is ours suckas.

The Jewophobic Khateeb

These khateebs are the most dangerous to put on school holidays but our ingenious mosques still do it. Basically these khateebs will go on and on about how Jews are treacherous and how all of them are secretly plotting to kill us or make a lot of money…possibly both. Jews probably bullied this poor Khateeb when he was younger. The Jewish bullies most likely gave the Khateeb a wedgie in junior high school.
The khutbah will then turn into something like a zoo where the Khateeb starts describing Jews as monkeys, cows, pidgeons, hens and every other animal you can think of. The animal part is the only educational part for young toddlers. Otherwise keep them away from the minbar.

The Ebert-and-Roeper Khateeb

These Khateebs are somewhat modern and actually watch some of the movies that are currently out in theatres. Naturally, these movies have an anti-Islam agenda and have filth that our Muslim youth shouldn’t watch. Make sure you marry the youth early.
The Khateeb will proceed to give a thumbs down to every movie currently out in theatres because there’s too many kissing scenes and curse words. Let the Khateeb watch movies but YOU shouldn’t watch movies.

The We’re-Not-Terrorists Khateeb

In case you forgot, this Khateeb will remind you that Islam is a peaceful religion and we aren’t terrorists. I think we need reminders like this every other week because we have short-term memory.

Yes… it sure is great to inspire our youth with people like this.

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