Justifying Stupidity

Written by: Hamzah Moin

Although I enjoy making fun of girls on this site, guys are guiltier with much grander things. For every giggle or ‘teehee’ a boppy Muslim girl does, a sleazy Muslim guy macks on about two or three girls (at the same time). Think all guys are innocent? Think again. Uh-oh I hear the fatwa police.


For once I might have to agree with my fatwa bandit friends. There are many Muslim guys out there who try their hardest to put their “game” on to impress the ladies. The silly part about all this is that the guilty party claims to be religious and they have a perfectly justifiable reason for all of this … or so it seems.

“You see brother, since we can’t date we have to at least try to ‘learn’ what the female is like so on marriage day we know how they think.”

This is the #1 justification for every Muslim male on the planet to get chummy with girls. Well more than chummy actually. E-dating… where you first exchange your life stories and pics then move onto feelings and thoughts about one another and become almost lovers when all of a sudden the guy backs off and says “no sister we are just brothers and sisters in Islam… nothing more… teehee.”

I’m sorry brothers but let’s face it… you can talk to 100 women before marriage and think you “mastered the girl situation” but as soon as that Nikkah contract is signed, you’ll soon realize that the “experience” you received from e-dating those 100 Muslim girls in the past was useless. Why? Because girls are unsolvable. Period. Ever stop and wonder why they made the Riddler from the Batman comics to be a male? It’s because if the Riddler was a female then Batman would NEVER be able to solve any of her riddles. The Riddleress would be victorious and that would be the end of Batman forever.

Girls are a riddle wrapped in an enigma wrapped in another riddle, sugar-coated with mystery, enfolded into a puzzle while finally encased in a conundrum. Save your time and internet bills and start fresh with your future spouse.

The whole marriage process done the Islamic way is ample enough time to get to know your potential spouse. No need to instant message each other 4 years before the big day to “get acquainted”. I’d get bored if I already knew everything about my wife after (or before) the Nikkah, wouldn’t you?

Another dumb thing I see is that some folks get all chummy with their cousins and think it’s “straight”.

“You see brother, she is my cousin so no need to worry. Hijab in front of me?”

NONSENSE. I’m sorry if this grosses you ethnocentric fools out but opposite-gender cousins should be treated the same way we treat anyone else from the opposite gender (that is assuming you aren’t loosey-goosey and play patty-cake with everyone from the opposite gender).

I personally prefer it if people marry OUTSIDE their family. Too many cousin-marriages will lead into quite the amplification of hereditary diseases and I’m sure the kids from the cousin-marriage will be scarred for life when they have to make a complete family tree for a school project. “But Abdullah,” said Mrs. Elffab, “why does your family tree have interconnecting branches? It looks more like a family bush. Hey… waita minute.”

Poor Abdullah wasn’t the same again.

Although the advantages of marrying cousins are there as well (cheaper wedding card invites because EVERYONE is family … divorcing a cousin isn’t rough because hey… “you’re still cousins”).

Sorry for going incredibly off topic but I think my message is clear: your son/daughter/niece/nephew will have a tough time if you marry a cousin. That doesn’t mean you can get all fancy-prancy around them either.

“You see brother, this girl here is a Hindu and she isn’t from the People of the Book so I cannot marry her and thus I can try converting her ya’ani right?”

Converting via dawah? Sure… $3.
Converting via Valentine’s presents? Errrr… $9.
Converting via back massages? Uhhhh… $15.
Converting via secretly-making-out-in-a-dark-hallway-of-a-library-hoping-nobody-would-see-them-but was-caught-by-yours-truly? Priceless. I’m out of 70 excuses.