Written by: Hamzah Moin

“Hey Salam Hamzah! How’s it going!” says a random girl.
“Good… good…” I replied as the girl walked away.
“WHO was THAT?” asked an eager friend of mine who was walking beside me.
Suddenly… another random guy runs into me. “Hey what’s up Hamzah!” he bellows.
“Chillin’, chillin’.” I replied as the guy walked away.
“WHO was THAT?” asked my eager friend again.
Unexpectedly, another girl comes out of nowhere. “Assalamualaikum Hamzu!”
My friend turned to me, stunned. He knew the answer. And it rhymed with Zasebook.

It seems my popularity on campus escalated with the arrival of Facebook. Random Muslims are now my friends all due to a certain university networking site. My friends, who once-upon-a-time used to make fun of my Facebook shenanigans, now want a piece of the pie and I actually see them using Facebook more than me now.

My MSA had problems getting people out to certain events. No matter how much we advertised we kept getting the same people over and over. I turned to Facebook for help in advertising and VOILA! MSA attendance shot up and people who I previously didn’t think were even Muslim started showing up to our events and becoming heads of committees. All thanks to a certain something that rhymed with Masebook.

I mean it does have some hiccups. Random stalkers for one. Did you know there are people desperate enough to just randomly poke and message people they don’t know in order to increase their friend count? Some brothers at school I know do this to random sisters on Facebook but in real life the brothers are too afraid to even say Salam to them. Lame gooses.

On top of that, Facebook started giving me information that I DIDN’T need to know about some of my fellow brothers and sisters in Islam. Sometimes a certain display picture can tell an entire story about a person. Facebook is the greatest test for the “70 excuses rule”. Allow me to demonstrate with random brother Abdullah here (I have permission it’s okay).

After chuckling to myself at the wittiness of Abdullah’s profile, I decided to indulge further… I decided to check out his picture gallery. Unfortunately I started seeing pictures that just outright shocked me. I’ve been told by Abdullah that Photoshop was probably not used.

With the 70 excuses rule firmly planted in my head, I started firing off everything I could. “Maybe Abdullah just enjoys holding empty beer bottles?”, “Maybe Abdullah likes to drink water from Molson’s?”, “Maybe Abdullah didn’t know alcohol was Haram… which explains why his athaan sounded so funny the other day…”

I mean c’mon now … if you want to booze it up no need to show the freaking world that you have some next-level progressive views.

But it gets worse. This picture again, probably was not Photoshopped.

My excuses started getting more and more difficult to conjure. “Maybe he married all three of those girls?”, “Maybe they’re all his aunts?” “Maybe he is on some bold new dawah initiative which explains why 90% of his friend list are females?”

I say if you want to show the world that you have the capability of making another kid, you do it for those Spyware Pop-up companies, not as your display pic.

But it gets worse.

More sins being flaunted around. I can’t even give one excuse let alone 70 excuses when the picture is clearly labeled with arrows pointing to the accumulated interest money. I mean Abdullah actually makes Progressive Muslims look conservative here.

There are other annoying pictures as display pics that need to go… like those shisha smoking pics. It’s cute that you can blow “O’s” and cover your face up with smoke that probably shouldn’t be inhaled but hey, whatever covers up your face works for me. But these shisha smoking pics are more played out than Irshad Manji.

Other awkward thoughts that occur in my head during a common Facebook visit:
“Waita minute … wasn’t he a beardo… oh…”
“Waita minute … isn’t she a hijabi … oh…”
“Waita minute … isn’t he Muslim … oh…”
And so forth.

Then there were other pictures that were like border-line shirk and I’d probably get sinned for even showing such pictures on this website. Filthy.

You can be my friend if your profile is free from the above crap. This article was not excuse to get more friends… *cough*