Lowe’s Confusingly Apologizes to All

Written by: Hamzah Moin

MOORESVILLE, NORTH CAROLINA – In a groundbreaking PR move, Robert Niblock, CEO of home improvement retail giant Lowe’s has offered an apology to two completely different groups: the Muslim community and those who fear them.

Lowe’s was the first major company to publically withdraw advertising support to the TLC show, All-American Muslim, after receiving complaints that the show painted a positive picture of Muslims. “They didn’t show an accurate portrayal Moslems” said a concerned American citizen, “I know all about Islam. They want to take over America. I read it on the internet so it must be true.”

After pulling advertising support from the show, Lowe’s unknowingly angered another group with a passion for boycotting: Muslims.

“I just wanted to first apologize to all the Islamics and those from the Moslemic faith. We didn’t think that by listening to people who fear Muslims would make Muslims so angry” said Niblock, in the press release. “Muslims are amongst the wealthiest demographic group in America and we hope to never anger people with so much money.”

Knowing the reaction the apology press release would bring, in the same letter Niblock apologized to those who had issues with the show in the first place too. “At the same time we also want to apologize to those who are afraid of Muslims… we hope that by apologizing to the Muslim community doesn’t deter you from shopping at Lowe’s as you are our most important and loyal customer base.”

Many commenters on Twitter were perplexed by the odd apology that simultaneously insulted both Muslims and bigots at the same time. “I want an apology for this half-baked apology… stop sucking up to the Muslims Lowe’s!!! Haven’t you seen Aladdin? They will chop off our hands!! LOWES: Stop insulting my intelligence and IQ!!!” tweeted user @JerseyShoreRocks1211, somehow violating the 140 characters rule.

Other people in the Muslim community were confused by the sudden commotion the Lowe’s controversy was bringing. “I had no idea who or what a Lowe’s was” said mosque patron Jamal Nasim, “I thought it was a grocery store so to be safe my wife and I boycotted all grocery stores… it’s been a tough week. We’re starving.”

Mosque president Nassir Hakim felt his soon-to-be-constructed-masjid put a lot of pressure on Lowe’s. “America probably has over thousand mosques in construction limbo. All mosques will now be using Home Depot for their construction materials. Lowe’s should have known that the Muslim community loves building mosques. It’s like our hobby. Whenever we’re bored we build new mosques.”

The company has a history of boycotting shows that offend conservative Americans. During the 1980’s, Lowe’s was known to pull advertising from the Cosby Show because it had received complaints from a ‘diverse spectrum of people’. At the time, the Cosby Show yielded comments from conservative Americans that it presented too-positive of a portrayal of African-Americans. “The Huxtables were an upper-class family of black people. It never showed black people robbing white people or eating fried chicken all the time.” Lowe’s caved in to these types of complaints then too.

Lowe’s hopes to make amends by offering an exclusive and enticing deal next week to the Muslim community. “We have learned our mistakes from prejudice and stereotyping and hope to create an inclusive atmosphere to Muslims by offering free hummus to those who buy over $50 of goods in-store or online.”