TweetWritten by: Hamzah Moin Montreal – In breaking news, four people have died in hijabi-related …
TORONTO – To end Ramadan on a sour note, Masjid Al-Uthman has failed to meet their lofty fundraising goals for a third straight year. “I don’t know what we’re doing wrong” said Ali Abbas, President of the Masjid, “Was it really unfeasible to collect $2,000,000 in one night?”
“I even extended our fundraising timeslot to three hours (up from last year’s two hours) thinking people need more time to ponder about donating but that seems to have made things worse,” explained Abbas, “I didn’t know people wanted to pray Taraweeh that much.”
Congregants of the mosque felt the fundraising got really awkward. “The President started asking every one of us what our salaries were,” said an anonymous victim in the crowd. “It got to the point where he started giving us financial advice on how to save money and to give our savings to the mosque.”
As a result of the inadequate funds, Masjid Al-Uthman will be removing their air conditioning as a cost-cutting measure. “Perhaps people would donate more if this place felt a bit like jahannum,” mused the crest-fallen president.
Many congregants of Masjid Al-Uthman felt that the mosque’s cutbacks were getting more and more severe as the years went by. “We don’t have an imam anymore because they were too expensive at $3,000 a year,” said another anonymous congregant. “So now President Abbas has declared himself as the defacto imam and leads all our prayers.”
President Abbas’s stint as the imam was not met with favourable reviews. “I’m fine with him reciting Surat-Al-Kawthar every prayer but to do a janaza prayer every time someone throws out too many paper towels is a bit weird.”
Other controversial cost-cutting measures at the mosque include moving the sister’s section to the supply closet and terminating all the teachers at the full-time Islamic school. “The students in my class say I’ve done a great job combining science, tajweed, gym and home economics into one subject,” explained Abbas.
It’s been reported that the six congregants of Masjid Al-Uthman never returned after Ramadan.