TweetWritten by: Hamzah Moin A new Kellogg’s cereal has stirred a lot of controversy in …
Written by: Hamzah Moin
In a depressing turn of events, the Pewsborough Masjid has gone completely broke and are asking for even more donations due to the Masjid Board’s habit of falling for online scams.
“We told ourselves ‘OK, this time we’ll actually use this donated money to spend it on the youth by getting them an EZ-Bake Oven or a big POG collection'”, said Masjid President Kamal Jafar, “but time after time we just see emails of people in need and we have to act on it.”
One email that entirely depleted the Masjid’s bank account was from a so-called Nigerian King who needed to store his millions of dollars somewhere and would give a cut by wiring money to their bank account. “Listen, when an email starts with Assalamu Alaikum, you have to read the whole thing,” explained Jafar, “besides, it was written entirely in CAPS so you know it had to be serious.” Unfortunately, instead of receiving millions of dollars, the masjid board’s bank account shrank to peanuts.
Other mosque patrons are growing weary of donating to the mosque. Long-time masjid-goer Omar Gonzalez, 46 is getting fed up. “Everytime I donate to the mosque I always hear about the dumb things they fall for. One time they used the money in a Primerica pyramid scheme where they kept harassing us to ‘invest in an amazing business opportunity’.” The masjid’s Primerica investment lasted under a year. “The khutbahs were all about how we all could have been millionaires if each masjid member found 25 people to join the model… it was strange.”
The Pewsborough Masjid Board are known to react to any emails that come their way. From boycotting Girl Scout Cookies to declaring the Pope as a jinn, the board has been known to prematurely act on any email forwards that they receive. “Bill Gates and Steve Jobs still owe the masjid a lot of money because they said we’d get paid if we forwarded their email to everyone on our lists to keep their servers up” said vice-president Abdul Kareem Usman. “I mean I already put Microsoft and Apple on my resume as an employee.”
The Masjid Board remains determined and is seeking justice from the assailant who robbed them. “When I find that Nigerian king I am going to punch him in the stomach” said Jafar, “I have already complained to the United Nations about him so he’ll get what’s coming to him.”