Masjid Olympics

Written by: Hamzah Moin

Abdullah Jones: Welcome to another edition of Masjid Sports Centre. I am your co-host Abdullah Jones…

Aisha Shahbaz: … and this is Aisha Shahbaz.

Abdullah: Tonight we’ll be recapping today’s events at the Masjid Olympics. It was a very eventful day today, wasn’t it Aisha?

Aisha: You got that right Abdullah. There were 7 events happening throughout the day today and it was incredible to see all the action.

Synchronized Abloution

Balal (left) and Talal of Pakistan have been synchronizing their wudu for years.

Aisha: In Men’s Synchronized Ablution, two brothers from Pakistan, Talal and Balal, took home the gold today with their beautiful synchronized wudu performance.

Abdullah: They just nailed it! Right from their opening intention to the end of their last foot, these two were really focused today.

Aisha: That’s right Abdullah. A lot of the other teams had trouble during the mouth and nose rinsing. But Talal and Balal were able to hit the right notes and harmonized throughout their performance.

Abdullah: Their biggest competition came from Haitham and Taha from Oman but they were unfortunately disqualified for not washing up to the ankles.

Aisha: That’s a pity. But still, all the performances were beautiful today. Just beautiful.

Marriage Suitor Long Jump

Marriage suitor being bypassed by Sister Laila of Afghanistan.

Aisha: Next up is the Women’s Marriage Suitor Long Jump.

Abdullah: We had some amazing performances in this competition Aisha. Sister Laila of Afghanistan received proposal after proposal not only from desperate brothers but also from aunties trying to get their sons hooked-up.

Aisha: It sure looked scary for her Abdullah but she never lost her confidence. She really used the fear to jump over the really scary-looking brothers.

Abdullah: And we knew they were scary because they kept Facebook Messaging poor Laila. When will brothers learn that Facebook messages aren’t the way to woo potential soulmates?

Fundraising Box Shotput

Brother Amir of Bosnia chucking the heavy fundraising box. Although painful when it hits someone’s head, the fundraising box shotput has been successful in soliciting funds for the masjid.

Aisha: We now turn our attention to one of the masjid board’s favourite events: Men’s Fundraising Box Shotput.

Abdullah: The masjid board usually enjoys chucking this heavy box into the congregation. They usually pick the night when the crowd is in its most vulnerable state.

Aisha: So basically half-way through Taraweeh during the night when they complete the Qur’an.

Abdullah: You got that right Aisha. Brother Amir of Bosnia has the record for hitting 6 people with the same box in one throw!

Aisha: That is amazing Abdullah. Most of the congregants fear for their lives so they give pre-emptive donations to avoid getting clobbered.

110M Prayer Row Dash

Brother Tarek of South Africa pulling ahead in the 110M Prayer Row Hurdles

Abdullah: This event is just adorable.

Aisha: It IS absolutely cute. The Youth Olympics’ 110M Prayer Row Hurdles has been a fan favourite for some time.

Abdullah: Brother Tarek of South Africa was on pace for hitting the record in this event. He avoided those keys and wallets better than anyone I’ve ever seen!

Aisha: It was unfortunate he got clotheslined by that uncle… he lost precious seconds.

Abdullah: The key is striking a balance between running super fast and not being naughty. Because we know where the naughty kids go…

Naughty Kid Weightlifting

Sister Balqees of USA hits an overhead jerk with a 40 pound kid.

Aisha: Yes we do Abdullah which is a great transition to our next event: Women’s Naughty Kid Weightlifting.

Abdullah: The sisters side for some reason has this magnetic quality that attracts all the naughty kids.

Aisha: It’s a good thing sisters have developed the most effective disciplinary techniques too: lifting the naughty ones above your head for a couple of seconds usually does the trick.

Abdullah: And Sister Balqees of the United States went on to win her competition by giving the naughty little Iqbal an incredible overhead jerk.

Aisha: I guess you can say little Iqbal got a taste of his own medicine. Hiyoooo.

Moon Sighting Boxing

Brother Tawfiq of Calculations (right) lands a blow to Brother Ikram of Local Sighting

Abdullah: Men’s Moon Sighting Boxing came about after years and years of non-stop disputing over Ramadan and Eid dates.

Aisha: And the best way to settle it was in a knockout tournament between the four competitors.

Abdullah: Brother Ikram of Local Sighting soundly defeated Brother Abdul Wahab of Saudi in a tough fight during the semis.

Aisha: And Brother Tawfiq of Calculations gave a good whooping to Brother Ilyas of Global Sighting.

Abdullah: It seems the fighters of Local Sighting and Calculations are actually on their 47th round. This one looks like it won’t be ending anytime soon folks. We’ll get back to you once something eventful happens.

Segregation Wall High Jump

Sister Rania of Lebanon clearing the wall

Abdullah: For the final competition, we had an impromptu event in the sister’s section with Women’s Segregation Wall High Jump.

Aisha: Yeah those poor sisters unfortunately had a really tough time in there Abdullah.

Abdullah: They sure did Aisha. For starters, they realized the sound system came from a Burger King drive-thru. Some sisters even started to order Fish-Filets, it was just terrible.

Aisha: That it was Abdullah. Not only that, but the board installed a new wall and didn’t realize that you couldn’t see through it until after it was installed.

Abdullah: Budget cuts, Aisha. What made matters worse was the blistering heat melted the door-knobs so the sisters couldn’t exit!

Aisha: And so Segregation Wall High Jump was born. Sister Rania of Lebanon successfully cleared the wall and freed all the sisters. It was the feel-good story of the year.

Abdullah: It sure was Aisha. That wraps up all the events for today.

Aisha: Until next time, this is Aisha Shahbaz…

Abdullah: … and Abdullah Jones …

Aisha: Signing out.