Muslim Chat Do Nots

Written by: Hamzah Moin

I seriously don’t know what the big deal is with e-macks. People who hit on the opposite gender online tend to be people who lack confidence and are too wussy to do it in real life (it’s not really Halal anyway). People build up this thing called e-courage and say things or do things that they wouldn’t do in real life. Here are some things that you should avoid:

1) Justification

First off, in order to convince ourselves that we aren’t doing anything too Haram, we tend to make some sort of whacked out justification.

Nabeel: Salam Jamila. I need to talk about Islamic stuff and such.
Jamila: ws… sure what’s up?
Nabeel: Well, I was just wondering if my beard qualifies as sunnah. What do you think?
Jamila: hmmm well from what ive seen of it, it seems to be pretty sunnah-like.
Nabeel: Okay thanks… so what’s up? :)

See that? Sly. But lame. Whenever your mother yells at you from downstairs and asks you what you are doing, you usually respond with “Oh just doing dawah/Islamic work/MSA etc.” and you’re clear to go. Or are you?

2) Lame compliments

After we justify it, people tend to dive a bit further into the conversation by exchanging compliments.

Nabeel: And so I said to the guy I said, “Roll your pants up, I’m Nabeel ya’ani”
Jamila: LOL omg lol rofl lol roffle
Nabeel: You liked that one eh?
Jamila: u r soooooooo funnie
Nabeel: yeah?
Jamila: and being funnie is being cute lolzz
Nabeel: I think you’re cute too.

Whoa easy there tiger. Compliments lead to unnecessary flattery where everyone starts to feel all giggly and LOL-y. Feeling giggly and bubbley is stupid.

3) The Wink

Usually after a compliment, we tend to bust out the infamous wink. These things are TROUBLE.

Nabeel: Go on, go on. I like compliments.
Jamila: you also make a killer athaan before juma lol
Nabeel: I know.

I mean normal smiles are okay because “Smiling is Charity” but the elusive wink tends to give people the wrong idea. Take one sentence and compare the connotation:

Nabeel: hey…salam
Nabeel: hey…salam

The latter is for the morons.

4) Pic?

Okay now it gets REALLY bad.

Jamila: nabeel I want your opinion on something.
Nabeel: Sure.
*transferring file jamila.jpg*

Nabeel: oh nice hijab
Jamila: lol
Nabeel: I just took a picture. Wanna see?
Jamila: okay lolz
*transferring file boypose.jpg*

This is what I don’t get about Muslims. Why send a pic when you know you won’t (or shouldn’t) receive a compliment about the way you look? What the hell are you expecting… “MAN YOU ARE HOT MASHALLAH” ? “Cute beard??” “Your hijab really brings out your beautiful face??” Get some self-esteem will ya?

5) Webcam

Unfortunately, some people go all out with the webcam. Here’s probably what would happen if you get too excited with it.

So stop ka-slapping around and get your mind out of the gutter.