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Written by: Hamzah Moin
If there’s one thing I can compliment Muslims on, it would be their ability to adjust to technology. I mean we hear cell-phones ringing every khutbah, prayer and lecture. We can hear our “athan clock” on our computers blaring, interrupting our instant messaging brigade. Yes…instant messaging. That’s one thing the Muslims have unknowingly conquered and have created a Muslim chat lingo by accident. This may be review for some of you. For others it will be a wonderful tutorial.
The Standard Salam
This is the basic salam. Very simple.
See how easy that was? AA in this case stands for Assalamu Alaikum while WA stands for Walaikum Musalam. People nowadays do not like writing out the whole thing. It hurts their wrists. If we hurt out wrists while typing something out then people would laugh at us at school/work the next day so AA/WA saves ridicule.
The Deluxe Salam
We’re kicking it up a notch.
In this case the recipient decided to one-up the instigator by adding a WRWB. What does this mean in full? It means when HamzERS says Assalamu Alaikum she replied with Walaikum Musalam Wa Rahmatullahi Wa Barakatuhu. Damn. 33 Hasana for her.
The Ebonicized Salam
This one is a bit weird.
Basically if you’re feeling lazy and wish to throw a lot of Z’s in your Salam then feel free to look like an idiot. “Wasalamz” ya morons.
The Sneaky Salam
Some people like to actually say AA how its pronounced.
Simply amazing. Elle oh elle.
Sometimes the guy likes to get a little fancy and write the WHOLE THING OUT. Sometimes you might be busy doing other things or for some odd reason you leave your Messenger on, stare at the screen but don’t feel like talking. This is what you do:
Yowza. Sometimes the shortened salams can leave a big hint. Ooooh that’s gotta hoyt.
In Arabic we say “Jazakallah” instead thanks which means “May God grant you what is good” and in response most people say “Wayakum” which is like “Your welcome” I’m assuming.
Just to note for all: Jazaks and Wayaks aren’t real words. In fact as you will soon find out, most Muslim lingo stops becoming words and looks like a 4-year old child banging keys on the keyboard.
Whenever we expect to do something or get something in the future, we say inshAllah which means God-Willing. So for example instead of saying “Hey honey, I’m going to buy some Tacos” you say “Hey honey, inshAllah I’m going to buy some tacos.” Even if you’re like “YEAH! MIAMI DOLPHINS WILL KICK ALL YOUR BUTTS. SUPERBOWL BABY!” you should instead say “YEAH! MIAMI DOLPHINS WILL INSHALLAH KICK ALL YOUR BUTTS. INSHALLAH THE SUPERBOWL BABY!”
In the chat world, things get different. Even things like mashAllah (all praise is due to Allah) gets a bit weird in the cyber world.
Now some people like to get quite conservative when it comes to this. One cyber-school of thought say you must capitalize A because we shouldn’t lowercase Allah’s name (even though ia has no trace of Allah’s name anywhere). That’s why most people nowadays like to put iA or mA for inshAllah and mashAllah respectively. If keyboard keys could talk, then the shift key would be ecstatic that its being used so much by Muslims. mA.
Sometimes when you gotta sneeze, you gotta sneeze.
Okay…see what the hell is this? After one sneezes you say “Alhamdullilah.” That right there is a butchering. If someone is around when someone sneezes they say “Yarhamukallah”. And in reply to that the original sneezer is supposed to say “YahdeekumAllah Ismibaraku”. The above looks like my cat jumped on the keyboard. If any of you idiots decide to sneeze and type this out, you’re better off sneezing on your computer and hope it malfunctions. Idiots.
This is something that is notorious to the Arabs. They like to throw random numbers in all their words.
How does that look like the Arabic letter Ain? Let’s compare and show those silly Arabs that Ain IS NOT a 3.
Even my own name becomes numberized: Hamzah to 7amza. Ha is a 7 apparently. Don’t ask.
Hey look at me… I can do the same!
YES! ITS SIMILAR TO
So there you have it. We’re weird people that are too lazy to write big words and too dumb to know that numbers don’t belong inside words.