Muslim Policeman Betrays Own Kind

Written by: Hamzah Moin

BOSTON – A Muslim police officer has a Masjid community in the Boston metropolitan area feeling deceived and angered. “I can’t believe this is happening”, said Masjid president Raheel Mirza, “this police officer is a menace to society.”

Policeman Imran Rahman has been a regular attendee at Greenstown Masjid for years. President Mirza explains, “He was just a quiet normal guy and was one of the Fajr Five but this year I might exercise my immense masjid presidential powers to kick him out of the masjid permanently.”

Rahman recently joined the Greenstown Police force earlier this year. The Muslim community was at first overjoyed at the prospect of having a Muslim on the force.

Policeman Imran Rahman instead used his new-found police authority against the masjid. It started with the parking tickets. “I’ve double parked at this masjid for years,” explained masjid attendee Taha Ismail, “but getting a city parking ticket is a brand new low. I thought the masjid tickets were good enough.”

The masjid already has its own system for parking tickets, which has done little to deter its attendees from triple or even quadruple parking for Friday prayers. “We have these tickets that say, ‘STOP PARKING HERE OR WE’LL TOW YOUR CAR’ and one week we’ll eventually tow one” explained Mirza, who usually parks at the emergency fire route so he can ‘get out easily’.

Rahman explained that ticketing his fellow Muslims was a way for him to work less. “I honestly make my quota for parking tickets for an entire quarter just by attending one Juma. It’s amazing.”

Other masjid attendees didn’t mind Rahman’s aggressive ticketing stance for parking but felt like he was abusing powers in other areas. “I got a speeding ticket for reading Isha too fast” explained the Imam, who once led an entire Maghrib congregation in one breath.

The Imam also has received his fair share of tickets. “I gave him a ticket once because some people in the neighborhood had noise complaints whenever he rinsed his nose for wudu. It sounded like an elephant dying” explained the policeman.

Rahman has also given tickets to people who walked in front of other people while they were praying. “I don’t know why he tickets me for jaywalking in front of people all the time,” explained President Mirza, “I need to make the Juma announcements so there should be some exceptions for me, right?”

Other mosque patrons felt Rahman went too far when he demanded Muslims to celebrate their birthdays and anniversaries a day later if it fell on September 11th. “We can’t have Muslims walking into bakeries and ordering cakes with big smiles on their faces or exchanging roses on this day shouting ‘Happy Anniversary!’ at restaurants,” explained Rahman, “It would be highly suspicious and unpatriotic if Muslims appeared even remotely happy or laugh on this day and, as a member of the law, I implore Muslims to appear sad on this day.”

Mirza is now setting up a masjid fundraiser to pay off his tickets. “Honestly, if that stupid policeman keeps this up, this masjid will be bankrupt.”