New Caliph Chosen

Written by: Hamzah Moin

In stunning move last night, Muslims in Guyana chose Talal Ally as the new Caliph for Muslims everywhere. Although he was unable to be interviewed, it was reported that he would “run tings” in the Muslim world.

Members of the Guyanese government are thrilled at the announcement as it will increase the ever-throbbing Guyanese tourism industry. The new Caliph is currently the second hottest reason to visit Guyana, the first being bird-watching.

This announcement obviously ruffled a lot of feathers in the Muslim world. “What the hell is a Guyana?” asked Egyptian Imen Dhakir, who was posed as becoming the ‘next big Caliph’. “Why did they choose HIM and not ME? I mean I’m Egyptian and everybody loves Egyptians right?” It has been reported that Dhakir ran 10 kilometres a day in training to be the new Caliph. He was also on a strict South Beach Diet.

The Arab world planned on holding a “Caliphate Footrace” in January where the winner would become the next Caliph. This would have been the only way to settle the whole ‘Caliph fiasco’. Ironically, the Hizb-ut-Tahrir decided that they would hold the footrace by a democratic vote.

Hizb-ut-Tahrir representatives felt this whole situation was very bittersweet. An anonymous HT rep explained, “It’s sweet because all of our unrealistic goals came to fruition overnight but it’s bitter because we didn’t expect the Caliph to be from Africa or Oceania or wherever the hell Guyana is.”

Guyanese Caliph or not, most nations have said that they would only follow a Caliph from their own country. “I’m only following a Jordanian Caliph… that’s final!” said a representative of the Jordan Support Team. Other nations felt the same way. Even Muslims in Micronesia agreed that they would only follow a Micronesian Caliph.

When asked as to how Hizb-ut-Tahrir would solve the nationalism problem amongst Muslims, the representative simply made a vague hand gesture that seemed to imply “footraces”. When asked a follow-up question, the representative ran out of the room.

Although most Muslim nations are not going to listen to the new Guyanese Caliph, he continues to be a great role model for Guyanese Muslim youth everywhere.