TweetWritten by: Hamzah Moin Islamic Conferences can be grand. It’s a time where people from …
Written by: Hamzah Moin
People fight tooth and nail to get the right people on MSA/ISOC executive boards. I always wonder why elections are such dramas in most organizations and I figure it’s usually because the people involved don’t want “the others” to join in. You know, the crazy “out there” ones. The ones too conservative for the hardcores or too liberal for the wacky liberals. And imagine having both of those extremes on one exec? Damn.
It’s important to have a nice balance of being in touch with the Muslim population as well as being grounded in the deen. If an executive sucks at both then you might end up with some really weird MSA ideas. Let’s take a look at some REALLY bad MSA Event ideas starting from executives that are a tinsy-bit too conservative.
Enjoining the Good, Forbidding the Evil TOURNAMENT
Ah, the ETGFTE Tournament… nothing like starting off the year with a bang by correcting other people’s Haram ways. I’ve always wondered why the ones who are most eager to correct other people are usually the ones with the worst people skills and/or bad breath. Seriously. I’m all about enjoining the good/forbidding the evil but it almost seems that the people who are gung-ho about it are the ones who don’t have an off-switch. Like this for instance:
“I’m part of the ETGFTE Tournament and I don’t know a lot about females… but I do know all you females have ‘vacation-times’ every month…”
“Uh… this is uncomfortable.”
“But every day I see you eating during Ramadan. Surely no girl’s ‘vacation-time’ can last that long!? ASTAGFIRULLAH. Come on sister. Don’t make excuses about fasting. Give your excuses the black eye.”
“I’m diabetic. Idiot.”
“Yeah sure you are. Stop making excuses. Why am I talking to sisters in the first place? Astagfirullah”
I guess the best place to start accumulating points for this tournament is to look in a mirror.
Astagfirullah Scale: High when catching a perpetrator.
Lower the Gaze SURVIVOR
Sometimes even the hardcore-iest of MSAs/ISOCs will pull off events that will make you shake your head in disgust. Or in this case, lower your gaze in disgust. I think the object is to line up a lot of hot and humid women and see if the guy will crack. Whoever lowers his gaze the longest is the SURVIVOR.
Lowering the gaze is an awesome thing however one has to master walking-with-the-head-down-technique.Sisters are better at it than guys I think. I had a friend who stopped lowering his gaze because he kept falling down the stairs and smashing into walls because he couldn’t steer where he was going. He also kept smashing into hijabis due to his horrendous sense of direction. Deep down I think this was his way of adding them onto Facebook. Sneaky bloke.
Astagfirullah Scale: Low but could potentially get high when asking the “models” to pose for the event.
Halal Under the Hilal – SEGREGATED DANCE
I think we’re starting to approach executives that have a mix of two extremes. They plan events for those who love dancing and flailing their arms or whatever but also plan events for those who want to keep it Zabiha. The results? Something that nobody enjoys. The people at this event basically have to dance by themselves in a corner to someone singing the Arabic alphabet because they didn’t allow music at the event mashAllah.
The wall also poses a problem to anyone who spent more than an hour to get ready to “look good”. You might have people trying to break down the Berlin Wall by charging at it at full speed, head-butting it or taking frequent bathroom breaks so they can hang out in the “neutral” hallways.
Astagfirullah Scale: Extremely high before the wall goes up. Extremely low after the wall goes up. Could get extremely high again if the brothers start dancing with each other.
Muharram Madness: BASKETBALL TOURNAMENT
Some MSAs/ISOCs have a fierce rivalry between brothers and sisters. Once I was walking outside and all these sisters started chasing me and throwing rotten pieces of bananas at me for no reason whatsoever. Well maybe because I released a mouse on the sisters’ side of the prayer area. Whatever. That is because my MSA had a civil war between the brothers and sisters. Sometimes it can be a healthy rivalry like competing to raise money for orphans or an unhealthy rivalry like competing in inter-gender basketball games to settle “everything”.
I won’t say who won the basketball game. Basically the entire Muslim population loses either way.
Astagfirullah Scale: High when there are a lot of “fouls”. Usually the cute people get fouled more for some reason. Damn.
Comedic Khutbah Contest
We’re now approaching executives that have little to no regard of the deen. Ouch. I know I write a lot about khutbahs and khateebs on this site but I do it out of love in hoping to get khutbahs back to the way they’re supposed to be. Or something.
Although the things khateebs say can be unintentionally funny, it shouldn’t be made into some sort of stand-up comedy affair. I mean look at the crowd in the picture. They are going more ballistic than the time the khateeb ran an hour over his timeslot. No good. No good at all.
Astagfirullah Scale: Extremely high. Higher if the stand-up khateeb uses dirty humour. Off the scale if he drops an F-bomb.
Wet Hijab Contest
Astagfirullah Scale: Wrong on so many levels.
If you’re on your MSA or ISOC executives then you should really avoid the events listed above. It’s not that difficult to achieve the right balance in catering to the masses AND be grounded with the Qur’an and Sunnah… is it?
Just serve free pizza at Juma prayers or milk and cookies at halaqas if you want to boost numbers. It’s not rocket science. Even monkeys can run an MSA executive. Think like a monkey.