Soccer Solves Egypt’s Problems

Written by: Hamzah Moin

CAIRO – A soccer game erupted in Tahrir Square this morning to put an end to the riots and stubborn dictatorships. “The winner of this game will win Egypt,” said Tarek Musleh, the organizer of the game. “It’s Rioters vs Hosni Mubarak’s regime for winner-take-all.”

The match broke out when angry rioters challenged Mubarak’s dictatorship to a game of soccer after he refused to step down from power. Mubarak, like any other Egyptian, is genetically bound to accept any soccer challenge. “I need to win this match to shut these rioters up” said the 80-year old Egyptian leader, “They want change and I thought getting a haircut was enough change. I guess not.”

The game started off in an awkward manner with the coin toss being won by the rioters only to have the decision overturned by Mubarak’s team. “The coin is not serving in the best interest of the Egyptian people… it’s better for everyone if my team wins the toss” explained Mubarak. Archives indicate Mubarak has won coin tosses for the last 30 consecutive years.

Mubarak’s team selection was also controversial. Many members of Mubarak’s team were trained by the CIA. “They learned controversial things like illegal slide tackling and diving… what other heinous things did the CIA train his team with?” asked Musleh.

The game was difficult to moderate. The American referee, Brick Abama, tried his best to make calls only to have both teams shun him. “I tried giving them red cards but everyone just ignored me” whimpered Abama. “I even drew angry faces on the cards to show how upset I am.”

After the rioters thought they won the game by a wide-margin, Mubarak’s team extended the extra time not by five minutes, but by five days. “We seriously won this game in regular time but Mubarak’s team refuses to admit that they lost.”

Near the end of the game, Mubarak was nowhere to be seen. The military for some reason took over Mubarak’s team and started playing against the rioters. “We’re the army and we’re taking over this team,” explained the Egyptian General, “Because in Pakistan the military gets in power every couple of years and they’re an inspiration for a stable political system. We must win this game.”

Abama the American referee left a third of a way through the game, completely confused by what went on.