Tales From the Minbar

Written by: Hamzah Moin

Sometimes I can’t help but wonder how certain things get said on the minbar. Sure we might get nervous and pull some major freudian slips (I had a friend who committed shirk in a khutbah by saying “Please guide us to the straight path, O Lords of the World”) but other things sound like the khateeb actually PLANNED on saying it. The following list are either true or slightly exaggerated accounts of actual things said on the minbaar. I’m not crazy enough to make this up.

“The science is the problem!”

Usually a khateeb who has no science background at all will get on the minbaar and do a khutbah about, you guessed it, Islam and Science. This will lead into a khutbah that’s like a science class… without the science.

“And apparently they tell us we come from monkeys! But you know what! A long time ago Allah (SWT) actually cursed tribes that disobeyed Him and turned them into monkeys! And now we got reports of them finding half-human, half-monkey bones! Coincidence? I THINK NOT! And what about the atom? Some scientists discovered the atom this century but the Qur’an talks about it 1400 years ago. Coincidence? I THINK NOT! The Qur’an should be taught in every science class in the world! SubhanAllah!”

Have you ever tried using scientific miracles on non-Muslims? They usually don’t care. Spread Islam the way it’s always been spread: via the message of the Oneness of Allah(SWT) and the example he left for us. I’m sure your co-workers couldn’t give a flying hookah what a jinn looks like or what rock is shaped like a certain something.

“Not reading the print-out beforehand is the problem!”

High school Juma khutbahs are funny because the students usually get the most ‘hardcore-looking’ guy to do the khutbah. Usually the hardcore looking guys commit a little bit of khutbah plagiarism in order to get the job done. Unfortunately it’s hard to take the khutbah seriously when the 16-year old khateeb doesn’t read the print-out beforehand and says something like this:

“… and that’s one of the major problems of this society: scantily-clad girls. When I first came to this country back in 1972 I saw such horrible things that I found it difficult to lower my gaze. Alhamdullilah I’ve taught my children just as you should teach your children that Shaitaan is evil and will corrupt them if they aren’t careful…”

Giving khutbahs in high school + having children = manliest Muslim ever.

“The corrupted youth are the problem!”

Time and time again you’ll find a random khateeb who speaks on behalf of youth. It’s fairly obvious that the khateeb doesn’t have kids of his own and his upbringing probably consisted of a lot of beatings and/or corner time. But apparently THIS is why we’re corrupted:

“Do you know what your children do at night? I do. I’ve seen this and heard this from reliable sources that the Muslim youth become corrupted when they aren’t being watched. They sit around in coffee shops all night long and talk about girls then after they go race their cars. It starts off by drag racing then they start fornicating and turn to violence. WE HAVE TO PROTECT THE MUSLIM YOUTH.”

I’d like a double-double with that zina.

“Not complimenting the wife is the problem!”

Sometimes the khateeb will put his ah, macking skills to good use by explaining how increasing the love between a husband and wife for Allah (SWT)’s pleasure is a good thing. But sometimes the advice is just stupid.

“Wallahi sometimes I wonder why Muslim brothers never compliment their wives. You should ALWAYS compliment your wife. You should buy her gifts and tell her ‘Wallahi habibty, when I saw this dress at the store window I thought it was the ugliest dress ever made. But when I bought the dress and put it in you it became the most beautiful dress in the world.’ If you compliment your wife like this everyday Wallahi your love will never expire.

The khateeb remains single to this day.

“The gay is the problem!”

Usually bad marital advice can frustrate young Muslims… apparently this makes them do the gay thing. Admittedly, sometimes you get Muslims who start gaying up the religion by bringing in a homosexual flavour to it by re-interpreting verses and whatever. I’m all for treating gay people like human beings and all but no need to gay this religion up… its fine the way it is.

But some khateebs are concerned that the Muslim youth are becoming so gay that they are forced to address this gay problem with relatable examples like filling up a car with gasoline (or petrol for Brits). Like I said, I’m not making this up and if you have a weak stomach, please skip this.

“Someone needs to tell The Gay that it’s Adam and Eve… not Adam and Steve! If they still don’t understand then tell them this: when we bring our car to the gas station we have to fill it up with gas. When we put the gas nozzle into the gas tank, it re-energizes our car… it makes the car feel good. But when we put the gas nozzle into the muffler of the car… the car blows up. This is why the Muslim youth should not be gay.”

That had to be the gayest metaphor I’ve ever heard in my life.

“The porn is the problem!”

Pornography is pretty filthy and we avoid filthy stuff but that doesn’t make Muslim youth immune to the problem. Sometimes porn can get addicting for certain people. But sometimes it’s a little hard to believe.

“I kid you not! Pornography is being watched by your children and you should do something about it. It is filthy! It is disgusting! It is evil! Believe me, I know! I kid you not! One time I was at the mosque and an 8-year old walked up to me and said ‘Imam, I’m addicted to porn.’ I told him ‘NO! Porn is not for 8-year olds! In fact, porn is not for Muslims!’ The boy was so cute too! I kid you not!”

Either a) the 8-year old’s parents are giving him a bizarre crash course of sexual education, b) he works illegally in an Adult Video store or c) the Imam forgot a whole ‘1’ before the 8.

At 8 years old the only thing I was ‘playing’ with were Ninja Turtles and Hot Wheels. The closest thing I got to porn was undressing a Barbie doll. Don’t ask. I kid you not.

Maybe it isn’t the khateeb…

Sometimes the khateeb is spot on, but sometimes someone in the crowd might have some silly beef with the scholar about some irrelevant issue and well… chaos.

Khateeb:Those are some of the great examples that the Prophet (SAW) left behind for us to learn from. We should purify our hearts and try to get closer to Allah (SWT) and…

Random guy standing up during khutbah: HEY! WHAT ABOUT SEPTEMBER 11th?! HUH?


Another random guy standing up: HEY! DON’T YELL IN THE MOSQUE!


Anyone else smell the Day of Judgment?