The Need To Eid

Written by: Hamzah Moin

After vigilantly observing the people and happenings of Eid, I have decided to compile some “common questions of Eid” for those who want to know why Muslims do certain things on this joyous day.

Why do some people get passionate on the mic?

Usually before the Eid Prayer, we do a thing called Takbeerat. Some mosques do the Takbeerat silently while others say it out loud in unison. The ones that do it out loud either a) have one dedicated guy on the mic saying the Takbeerat to encourage everyone to recite together or b) riskily pass a portable mic around to give other folks a try at it. It’s quite simple … you say “Allahuakbar, Allahuakbar, Allahuakbar … Laillahaillalah [God is Great, God is Great, God is Great, There is no God but Allah], Allahuakbar, Allahuakbar, Walillahil Hamd [God is Great, God is Great, To Him belongs all praise]”. That’s essentially it. There are some “bonus Sunnah” versions of this but this is the basic one that everyone does.

Typically, when people pass the portable mic around they continue in the same melody and style as the congregation. But there is always this one guy that sounds like his vocal chords were coarsely mutated in a radioactive explosion or something because when the mic somehow lands in his hands, the nice melodic and serene atmosphere grinds to a halt and Eid is turned upside down.

Masjids or Eid prayer congregations needs to ban people like the above right by making an official Eid Takbeerat Blacklist. Horrible vocal chords can unnecessarily ruin Eid for many people. If the person beside you is awful and it’s his turn to have the mic then do whatever it takes to destroy the microphone.

Why do Muslims hug like that?

As per tradition, Muslims hug once, then move heads to the opposite shoulder, then back to original shoulder again. Onlookers are puzzled when they see Muslims hugging like this in public.

To me, it’s a nice brotherly or sisterly hug. Things only get puzzling when the hug starts breaking up and complications arise in the midst of hugging. There are several ways for a hug to get messed up. One, there is the hazardous “BEAR HUG” where one guy (usually a bigger, wider person) squeezes the smaller person into a state of agony and anguish.

Another problematic part of the 3-way hug is that sometimes a miscommunication erupts and the hugger and huggee start on the same side. As a result, the hugging turns into a little more than a hug and left-wing people become happy. This is obviously not part of Islam.

Lastly, another problematic kind of hugging are the complete Haram ones… they look something like this:

I don’t think it can get anymore wrong than that. Unless it’s a combination of the above two which I would probably get sinned for illustrating.

What’s the deal with killing the goats? Let them live!

I’m sorry but when a bunch of green-loving hippies start lecturing me on nutrition and describing the Zabihification and Qurbanization of cows and goats as “inhumane” because animals are living creatures then maybe they should stop eating or smoking so much grass because they’re screwing up the environmental balance in their brains and in this world. If humans aren’t allowed to eat animals, then tell the animals to stop eating us. I lost three friends last year because goats mauled them on the street and another friend was in critical condition when a cow started eating him because he made some racist remarks to the cow. It’s unfair that animals can eat humans but not vice versa. I say eat up, be merry!

Have these hippies ever talked to the goats and cows and asked them what it’s like to be sacrificed on Eid? For some reason I’m getting the idea they think it’s like this:

This couldn’t be further from the truth. I actually talk to animals all the time and they tell me it’s more like this:

Basically they like it and wait all year for this day. It might not seem like it but you can’t speak on behalf of goats when you never talk to them. Eid is a goat’s favourite day of the year. And biryani lovers.

How come some Muslims look angry when they’re checking their cell phones on Eid?

Usually, most people are delighted to have a cell-phone because it gives us an exit to boring conversations (“Excuse me, I have to take this…”) and if you are sitting all alone in a restaurant you can still look like you have friends by talking on a cell-phone loudly and/or obnoxiously.

However there are many curses to the cell-phone as well. People somehow ONLY call us while in prayer but the bigger and more expensive curse is the Eid Text Message bonanza. You see, since Eid day is a happy day people tend to get really excited and send an “Eid Mubarak” text message to everyone in their phonebook. Consequently, some people don’t have text message packages and it costs money to receive them. Eid day alone could cost them upward of $30 depending on how many friends they have and how bad their cell-phone plan is.

The frustration on someone’s face on Eid when they check their cell-phone is because they are calculating how much their bill is going to be with all these “extra” text messages. I know Eid text messages are cute and all, but they get pretty freaking annoying after the 50th one… and that’s still before the Eid prayer. And since we can never decide which day Eid is, I get text messages like days after the real Eid from late lateefs. *GROAN*

How come people fight on Eid?

This usually happens when people refuse to think that Eid is on a different day. We seem to be really fixated on the whole “unity” stuff of everyone doing Eid together, forgetting the fact that it wasn’t too long ago when Mecca and Medina used to fast on different days based on the moon sighting. Both global and local moon sightings are legit so I don’t know why people get all cranky when their buddy does Eid on a different day. The ummah isn’t going to collapse because we can’t decide on Eid. It never gets this bad:

Muslim haters might smile when Muslims are “disunited” on Eid day but the jokes on them: we have two days to celebrate our holiday. What do they got? Some crappy corporate holiday that has lost all meaning and love which is centred on some fictitious fat-man. I say bring on the disagreements for an official Eid day … there can never be two Christmases right? We win again.