TweetWritten by: Hamzah Moin What do older retired masjid uncles and your distant relatives have …
Written by: Hamzah Moin
Ramadan comes once a year and it’s a time that we should really reflect on a lot of things and avoid our bad habits for awhile. However once we drop some bad habits, new ones appear to arise. The following are some things done in Ramadan that need to be stopped and/or reduced.
Sometimes Taraweeh prayers can get long … REALLY long. People make fiendish plans to make shortcuts.
“Hey I think he’s almost done the first rakaah”
“Let’s hit it up… GO GO GO!”
“Shoot he got up too early. Now everyone will know we’re late.”
“Let’s get the hell outta here… GO GO GO!”
Unfortunately these were two uncles.
Be a man (or woman). Pray the full two. Only wussies join before the first rakaat is ending.
Amazingly, I hear people complaining that they gain weight during this month where we are supposed to fast. After seeing their plate at iftaar, I think I found the problem:
– Plateful of biryani.
– Side of hummus
– Some mashed potatoes
– A banana
– Fruit chaat (or fruit with spices in because some cultures put spices on virtually everything for some bizarre reason)
– Caeser’s salad sans bacon bits
– Roti (why not?)
– Goat curry
– Another banana
And upon second serving the person had this:
These plates could feed an army. If you’re gonna eat like a pig, don’t complain when Dr. Atkins comes knocking on your door for Eid.
Zakaat Gone Wrong
In Ramadan people tend to give charity a lot more because they’re in a more of an altruistic state and that’s cool and all but please, some people really need to get the hang of donating. I mean when we give charity, our left hand shouldn’t know what the right hand gave. Instead I see some random Joe Ali’s donating to let EVERYONE’s left hand, elbow and nostril know what Joe Ali’s right hand gave.
If you see anyone like this, make sure you give ‘em a right hand of your own.
But all blame can’t go to the person. Sometimes in the midst of Taraweeh prayers the mosque board would start ‘fun’draising, holding the second half of the Taraweeh hostage. You won’t be able to continue praying unless you pay up. Although donating to the mosque is nice, charity is sorta screwed up when they read out your name and read out how much you donated with commentary.
“Oh Br.Abdullah… I seen your house… you could have added a few Zeros at the end of that number.”
“Sr. Fatima… very good! If I knew you make this sort of cash I would have married off my daughter to your son.”
Breathing on People
An awesome part of Ramadan is that we have an excuse for having bad breath. And although our breath may smell better than musk to Allah (SWT), that doesn’t mean we should breathe on everyone we see.
Tip: talk less in Ramadan. It’ll be better for us all.
To cover up that bad breath, we are allowed to “brush” using a handy stick called the miswak. Now brushing your teeth with a stick would normally be funny, but this is sunnah we’re talking about and judging by scientific reports, miswaks totally own toothbrushes. Although brushing our teeth might be cool, doing it in front of our non-Muslim friends could be fatal.
“Hey Yasir have you finished the- … holy mother of shampoo! What the hell are you doing?”
“Brushing my teeth with a stick.”
“Don’t knock it until you tried it.”
“Maybe I will!”
So after giving your friend a miswak without proper guidelines you end up seeing this in the newspaper the next day.
Make sure you attach instructions to the miswak next time. No need to let your miswak go on a murderous rampage.