Trouble With Haters

Written by: Hamzah Moin

You know how we sorta invented like the whole world or something? Every talk or speech there’s always something about how we invented such-and-such. You’d think the world would love us for bringing them such wonderful things like chemistry and algebra but alas, there are still some haters amongst us.

I’m not talking about your everyday “Mozlems are terrorororists” haters I’m talking about the ones who write books and attend pro-war rallies and whatnot. Those guys/girls truly hate our living daylights. I’ve decided to analyze the reasons for the hate because Muslims, outside of mosque politics, are usually timid creatures.

Here are the haters:

Daniel Pipes

Here’s one guy that seems to love throwing around the word Militant Islam. If you agree with him you are a Moderate Muslim. If you fail to agree with him then you’re a Militant Muslim, and should be placed on some sort of list and get kicked out of the United States. I was born and raised in North America and by his standards I should be deported to God knows where.

I think the reason why he is “evil” is because of his eyebrows. In most stories of Good vs Evil the villain usually has crooked eyebrows. It seems that Mr.Pipes was a bit pissed off when he woke up one morning and discovered his eyebrows to be very villain-like. “Ah damn,” he thought, “I better start trashing the Muslims because my eyebrows make me look evil.” It’s understandable. Crooked eyebrows would make anyone say stupid things. Not to say he’s stupid… anyone who uses the word “modernity” a few times per article has to have some ounce of intelligence but some things that come out of his mouth are sheer craptacular (ie deporting “militant” Islamists). However I believe it’s his look that causes him to say these things. I mean I can’t imagine him as a good-guy or hero. Can you imagine him as Indiana Jones?

It just doesn’t fit. Children usually look up to heroes. When I was a kid we used to play Indiana Jones on the playground. I cannot see kids doing the same with Daniel Pipes.

“Okay I’m Daniel Pipes and you three be the evil Militant Muslims!”
“No you always get to be Daniel Pipes! I want to be Daniel Pipes!”
“Okay fine you can be the wonderful Moderate Muslims. Those ones are cool.”
“Ufff fine”

Just doesn’t work at all. Him as a hero? I don’t see it.

Fix your eyebrows Mr.Pipes. Crooked eyebrows turn good people evil.

Irshad Manji

Every once in awhile someone comes and pretends that they will revolutionize the Muslim community. Irshad Manji tried to revolutionize Muslims everywhere with her book “Trouble with Islam”. I work at a bookstore and I see her book plastered all over the place. I could always hide her book or throw it in the Horror section but that’s a bit deceptive and I think the best way to “fight” Irshad Manji is to dedicate a bit of my article to her. I’m not going to refute her arguments. She has been refuted 1000 times over and the point of this article isn’t to refute her swiss cheese of a book. Essentially I just find the way she spikes up her hair quite puzzling but that could be saved for a future article. Let’s get into the process of HOW she wrote this book.

This book isn’t a crime to Muslims. It’s a crime against trees. Save a tree!


Yeah way to go, idiot. You like war? Go to war with your crappy spelling teacher. Or go on war with your barber you hippie. Moran.

RAND Corporation

For those unfamiliar with RAND, they basically analyze stuff and present possible solutions. They specialize in national security. Apparently Muslims are some sort of threat to the country or some load of balogna like that. Basically they split us into groups.

  • Fundamentalists (the people with friggin massive beards, women at home etc.)
  • Traditionalists (more maintained beards, women less at home)
  • Modernists (Islam is capable of modern day hoohah)
  • Secularists (Islam = @ home only, women = men).

To sum up the above: balogna. We’re being divided by a bunch of nerds who sit around all day and spy on us.

Their strategy for the American government: concentrate on Modernists because the rest suck. They also wish to divide us based on our differences. My strategy: become everything to screw up their strategy. Have a massive beard or niqab while playing football. Perform wudu in fancy mall fountains rather than in the washroom. We’re being analyzed by the “smartest” people on the planet… we should feel flattered. Don’t let them divide us. Be a fundotradimodecularist. That’d show ‘em.

If you see any of these people in real life I want you to do something they least suspect. No, don’t be violent. Violence is what they desire from us. Give Daniel Pipes a flower. Give Irshad Manji a box of chocolates. Give right-wingers a Hallmark card. If you see someone spying on you with binoculars, smile and wave politely to them. If there’s one thing I learned from Care Bears is that the power of niceness will do the trick. Anyone can punch Daniel Pipes in the face. But I’m sure he doesn’t get that many flowers (hence the eyebrows). 3-2-1 STAAAAARE.