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REYKJAVIK – A day before the Republican South Carolina primaries, Donald Trump has made another bold claim in his bid to become President of the United States. “If elected,” he said at a large rally filled with angry white people, “I will declare war on Iceland for harbouring ISIS all these decades.”
His proposal was met with loud applause and whenever Iceland was mentioned throughout the speech, the crowd booed loudly. “We oughta bomb ISIS-Land back to the middle ages,” shouted Mike McGuffin, an unemployed 34-year old father of two, “and then build a wall that country and make them pay for it. Ain’t nobody from Iceland sneaking into America on my watch.”
Iceland, a peaceful European Nordic country in the North Atlantic and Arctic oceans, is perplexed by the sudden declaration of war by a possible Trump-led United States. “We are peaceful people,” said a shocked Ólafur Ragnar Grímsson, President of Iceland, “we do not even have an army, navy or air force to defend ourselves.”
The country has isolated itself from political entanglements over the past century, preferring to keep to itself and broker peace agreements. The coast guard is its only form of protection for the nation of approximately 300,000 people. Its only scare in the past decade, besides Trump, were a flock of unruly sheep, who refused any orders from their shepherd. “The Hafnarfjörður Sheep Crisis of 2007 was one of the darkest moments in our nation’s history,” said a solemn Grímsson.
Americans, especially those at Trump’s rally, felt that “ISIS-Land” were gearing up for something sinister. “I just finished watching D2: The Mighty Ducks with my kids,” said Tony Tucoretti, a 42-year old plumber, “and who were the bad guys? ISIS-Land. They were damn good at hockey and you can be damn sure that they’ll be good at terrorism too.”
When asked how he’d take care of the ISIS-Land problem, Trump gave a vague response. “If elected, I will do everything in my power to stop ISIS-Land from doing anything bad to anyone, ever.” This response resonated with American voters, as Trump widened his lead in the polls after declaring war on Iceland.