TweetWritten by: Hamzah Moin OSLO, NORWAY – The surge of right-wing violence erupted with yet …
VANCOUVER – A woman shocked the congregants of Masjid At-Tujmi’a Isha prayer last night by performing what appeared to be yoga stretches in the sister’s section.
Vanessa Perkins, 33, apparently had arrived at the mosque thinking it was a hot yoga studio. “I always see crowds of people walking in at specific times of the day so I figured there were hot yoga classes going on,” she said, “I mean, the women’s section definitely felt like a sauna so it was a great workout.”
Perkins was actually 100% correct as Masjid At-Tujmi’a was literally a community pool before it was converted into a mosque and the women pray where the sauna used to be.
The men on the other hand, pray in the empty pool area which is now carpeted. Congregants have to climb down a ladder to enter the prayer area. Unfortunately, the mosque’s board of directors were unable to remove some remnants of the community pool. “I wish we could remove that stupid diving board,” said Mosque President Talha Taqi, “all these late-comers to the prayer use do these crazy flips off the diving board to land a spot in the congregation. We’ve had a lot of broken necks last Juma.”
Perkins didn’t notice the men’s section when she arrived in the women’s area to perform her exercises. “Honestly, I had no idea this place was a mosque. The women’s area is just as steamy as a hot yoga studio. It even smells exactly like how a hot yoga studio should.”
Vanessa was dressed in a $200 Lululemon yoga top, $250 Lululemon yoga pants, $75 Lululemon yoga socks and a $50 Lululemon yoga headband, which she insisted were all on sale. “She was dressed so inappropriately,” said Ghada El-Akhi, a regular commentator of what people wear in the sister’s section, “I mean, seriously. What guy would be into that?”
Single men of Masjid At-Tujmi’a proceeded to offer her a plethora of marriage proposals upon finding out of her arrival. “I mean, I can help her become a better Muslimah,” said Ismail Sayed, 35, who was still searching for his soulmate. “I can cook too. If not her, then any girl with a pulse. Seriously, please get my bio-data out there to your readers. Just as long as she’s fair-skinned.”
Unfortunately, nobody directly told Perkins that she wasn’t in a hot yoga studio. Aunty Zubaida, who is known in the sister’s section as ‘the old lady who yells at everyone to straighten their lines and cover their naked feet’ was barking at Vanessa to straighten her lines. “I don’t know who that lady was, but she was an amazing instructor. I really felt my straightening could use a lot of work.”
The experience overall was quite positive for Perkins. “This was probably the best hot yoga session I’ve ever had. I’ll be back next week.”