TweetFrom: Hank Richmond <hrichmond@…> To: Tarek Abushukr <tabushukr@…> Time: August 28th, 9:04am Subject: Final Q3 …
PETERBOROUGH – In the town’s first non-mosque/non-cow related arson incident, Wayne Carlson accidentally burned down his own home after attempting to cause further damage to Peterborough’s mosque. “It was a pretty awful mistake on my part,” said Carlson, 42 and unemployed. “I hope nobody got hurt in my neighbourhood. I was just trying to burn the mosque down the street.”
Neighbours in the area felt that it was only a matter of time before Carlson caused harm to himself. “Honestly, the guy is a huge klutz,” says an anonymous neighbour, “We see his wifi network, ‘I HATE ALL ISLAMICS‘ pop-up in our networks list but he didn’t password protect it so we’ve been stealing his bandwidth for years.”
Carlson feels that he was being setup. “I bought the lighter fluid at the convenience store down the street and the guy was wearing a turban… name was like Hummusdeep or Superjeet or something… I think he was part of ISIS and gave me the faulty equipment.”
Carlson’s ex-wife, Stacy, says that is quintessential Wayne. “He always blamed all of his problems on other people. When I reminded him that he forgot our anniversary, he said he was too distracted by all the recent terrorist attacks and forgot all about it.” Stacy filed for divorce after the sixth consecutive missed anniversary.
A week prior to the arson incident, Carlson, embroiled in rage due to the rising amount of ISIS shenanigans, had a sudden urge to punch someone to send some sort of message to the terrorists. He picked an evenly matched target: a hijabi teenaged schoolgirl. Unfortunately for Carlson, his target wasn’t a hijabi schoolgirl but a man wearing a hoodie who was also a champion MMA fighter. “After he practically tore my arm off with an armbar submission I realized I should have made been more careful and made sure that I was in fact punching a small girl.”
This was the eleventh time he picked on the wrong target. He once yelled at a bunch of Catholics nuns to “go back home”, mistaking them for a gang of hijabis. The nuns, who were already walking home, obliged to his odd request.
Carlson wasn’t hurt during the fire that burned down his two-bedroom home. Luckily the firefighters extinguished the fire fairly quickly. “It could have been really scary,” said Muhammad Habeebulllah, the firefighter dispatched at the scene, “but luckily we arrived just in time to save his life.”
Wayne’s physician, Dr. Ambreen Khan, says that he didn’t sustain any major injuries from the incident. “He just needs to be more careful the next time he decides to burn down our mosque.”